For so many reasons and then cannot think of any

I have been pushing on once again. Yes, I know that the issues of touching keeps coming up; but, it is a real issue for me. This past weekend, I just hit tilt. I just did not want to be addressing anyone and wanted to have my own space and ... of course, we know how it goes. For the most part, things are fine. I deal with my issues of insecurity and wondering. I long to be with people and long to have the opportunity to touch as well as to be touched; but, I am noticing that it is conditional. DF wanted to be more open with the touching and that was something very trying. Everyone seems to think that if they do it more, then that means that it is easier all that much more. Well, it is not. It is not all that easy to be touched all the time and not have an exit. I really do like solitariness at times. It is comforting and rewarding at the same time; however, when I like to be with people, it is something that is of my choice. I have always been that way--even as a child. But, all that much more, I look forward to a time where this is less uncomfortable. However, for the time that it is, I must look up ways to combat this aspect of touching. My personal space is very difficult for me to address at times and I do not like anyone coming across it. I know that N has been providing every opportunity to be able to talk. But, this is not something that is easy to be done. She cannot understand what I am talking about and she cannot understand my feelings. Then again, I am reminded that it is not her issue; rather, it is mine. It is my correlation of events that have brought me to this point. No, it was not my fault. No, I did not ask for this to happen. No, I am not in danger any more. Yes, I will get through this.

I know what I want. I know what I am desiring. I know what just seems to escape me. I know that I am looking forward to the end of this discomfort. I do know what is more troubling. Physical pain? or Emotional discomfort? One can be alleviated with pain reliever; the other is just a lingering beast that does not have a home. I wonder at times.

I had more communication with PM today regarding something very sensitive. I have been wanting to discuss this for some time because it is very relevant. I have been more pressured to be getting out to date and to change my appearance. Oh, that I have been putting on a rough exterior. Certainly, I have not had any intention of wanting to go on any dates. I have not had any intention of showing anyone that I am interested. I am too concerned with the matters at hand and can not imagine adding someone along for the bumpy ride. I cannot even imagine having sex again. That, to me, is quite incredible. I just feel so very different to men. I do not feel like a woman and I do not feel like I am desirable to a man. I cannot imagine even trying to make believe. It is enough that I do not feel like I belong to any particular place. For the most part, I have felt like that for some time. I know that the cancer has created for me a "new normal" and finding where I am to just exist is something else. Feels like a double whammy.

Years ago, I could not have imagined having to go through cancer and all of what is going on. When I was raped, I had no idea what I was experiencing and how to even begin to explain to others what I felt. Now? To some degree I feel the same. But now, when people know what is going on, I am so concerned about being treated differently. I am trying to remind myself of many things. When I remind myself, I must not be hard on myself or submit myself to undue criticism. I can do this!!

Pushing on. Pressing in. Fighting on.

Plan to be and to continue onward

It has been a few weeks since I have shared. I am working on trying to remain consistant about my contributions. For the most part, things are ok. My head days have been within tolerance and my heart days are much the same. But, I have been learning more about what I have been going through and learning about what it is to still be uncomfortable in certain situations. I was pondering my issues of touching today. Yes, touching will always be an issue for me and I do understand that. I remember chating with PD on Sunday last and how everyone is working diligently to encourage me to touch more and to be touched. I wonder about these things. I shudder at the thought of being caught in a group with too many people around. I really do not care to be in a place with so many around; however, I can handle it.

I am learning more about PTSD. It is not uncommon for sufferers to not care to be in enclosed spaces. I thought that I was the only person who did this; seriously, I thought that it was my own personal hangup. I realize that I am not alone in this aspect and look forward to being able to be comfortable in my own skin. I do to a certain degree, however, I look forward to this being just a haze or a shadow of what it should be. It is so uncomfortable to be worrying about things. I have been wandering more at church and am very uncomfortable about sitting down so much. Then again, last weekend I had had serious issues with bronchitis. I had coughed so hard that my chest hurt terribly. I sounded much like a beached elephant seal. Imagine that!

Another aspect that I have been very concerned about is just how much my anger and bitterness is lying just beneath the skin. Too, there have been so many other issues that have been bogging my mind. Having to sort through all the emotional baggage here lately has been a difficult job; but, I have to believe that I am doing what is right. Staying focused is one of the most important tasks for me and at times, I feel like I am going batty. But, I have to remind myself that sorting out emotions is never easy and that I should not be so hard on myself in the meantime.

I do remember being told "I am proud of you for working so hard". That means a lot to me and will always mean a lot to me. Yes, I have been working very hard on things and will not stop until I am happy with the changes that are going on. I am looking forward to some days where the flashbacks are not as bad or the attitude so rough. Some things should not be; yet, other things should prevail. I look forward to those things that prevail much.

Reaching. Planning. Pressing onward.