Always remembering. Ok. That is quite ok. What I am excited about is moving past the remembering parts and to look toward another aspect of the journey. Yesterday, I spoke with someone whose memories are far more wrenching than mine. I know another person whose memories are just the same. There are too many people out there whose lives have been changed by sexual violence. Even more so, the cost that comes is quite crippling. There are few that press charges and there are few that care to discuss it. I can see just how much the stain of it all can last a lifetime. It really should not. Although the memories that I keep are less intimidating, I can see just how much it is very much so intimidating to others who are victims of the same montrous act. This should be. The day that sexual violence--all persons can be victims of sexual violence--is no more is a day when the LORD returns. There is no excuse for this type of violence; it creates so much harm and unleashes so much evil.
I know I have discussed it very much. What is there that has been unleashed? Well, I can certainly say that I am a little more open and vocal about things. My emotions have been rocky, for certain. But then again, that is menopause as well. Hot flashes galore!!! But, too, the emotions of what has been opened in me are there and I must recognize them and address them accordingly. Accordingly. What excuse do I have? I am adult who knows how to put myself through my own assessment. I must be able to work the situation out and to look for whatever behavior that may be offensive, grab it by the horns and then go from there. It is my responsibility to get that completed. It is my responsibility to examine myself and to find areas that could improve. I must improve them. How could I not?
Last Sunday was one of those days. I have been experiencing a lot of long days with my kiddo and have not been wanting to be bothered. I have noticed that I will be more aloof from others and to keep myself at a distance because of the issues that I must address. Just the same, V decided to come and talk with me and to give me a hug. Well, I certainly did not care to be encroached upon and decided to just step back. Amazing that some do not understand what is going on and continue to persue the issue. I ended up walking out to the parking lot and just wanted to get a breather and V continued with me. I know that I have been very difficult this past year and things are very challenging at times. I wish that others would just recognize matters as they are--tired, cranky, and other things. If I am moving around quickly, then that means that I am not able to sit comfortably. I am wrestling with things. But, needing to wear a bulletin? Ah, I know--sarcasm. I will be careful.
I am working on many things. I think about things a lot and seek an opportunity to be able to rest and relax. This year, I hope very much to be able to get that time to relax and put my feet up. I am looking forward to some outdoor time and getting some great pictures. This would be great for my webpages and blogs.
Pushing on. Pressing in. Hunting on.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Sunday, January 8, 2012
So much more than my feelings
I am very curious about the events of this past year and all. I have had many opportunities to write about my emotions and where I stand with some people. I am looking forward and looking backward from where I have come and where I am choosing to go. I am ready to move forward to more. I have been diligent toward this cause and I am willing to venture into more aspects of my personal care. Personal care. To say it means quite a bit. I am choosing to move forward outside of insecurity and to move toward days of strength and vitality. I am looking back at how much I have discussed things with PM and am not facing no more support. I had said a long time ago that he could not handle my share. I remember that he had said "you need to stop venting and you need to start sharing." I recall that I had emphatically said "you cannot handle my share". OH, sure, now he sees that he cannot handle my share. Certainly there are events that have transpired that has changed his daily walk. Sure, there are events that have occurred that has changed his perspective. Sure, I understand that daily activity will not be the same. I look back and I see that many aspects have changed.
When I look at the strength of my palliative care, I can see that much was lacking. I certainly hope that the aspect of palliative care can be redefined. The church does a very poor job about palliative care--not just ours, but the larger aspect of the church. I want to be able to help make a difference in that care. Sure, we cannot meet the needs of all, but we can sure make an effort to be outreach and care for the best of them.
I must say that I feel like I am losing something important. Perhaps it is time to allow this to go. But I have to say that I am very much so scared about not being able to discuss my thoughts and my feelings too. I have to look at what has happened this past year. This will not be difficult; this will be something that I can do. I must do it.
I know that I have discussed this many times; I suppose it will be discussed as many times as needed to feel comfortable with the loss. I know that I have shared so much and more is to be shared. For the most part, it feels as though I have shared the deepest of me and there cannot possibly be any more to share. There has been and there will be more to come. I want to feel comfortable with reaching in and digging for more.
In the meantime, I am feeling more comfortable with what I have shared. Knowing that many are out there readng my deepest thoughts is enough. I know. It will be ok; I know. I think about all of the other women out there that may not be as fortunate as I regarding people to talk to and to discuss things with. I look forward to a place in the church where there is a healing and recovery services for women like myself. I know that children will need the same services.
For the most part, I am doing much better than what I have been doing. But, I will be insisting upon many more things to come. For the purpose of continuity of care, I want to continue to share, but not at the extent of creating more harm than good. I want to be able to resist the desire to share. It would be pointless to want to share. I realize that sharing with PM would create more harm than good. It is quite interesting that when I was told to "share" I wanted to resist. Now, I have no choice. When asked, I do not want to share. I want to protect from any harm that could occur. This hurts quite a bit because the issues that I had to deal with, between the sexual assault and the cancer, was too much for PM to bear. How intersting it is that I must be very careful to not cause any more harm to him. When I had asked if "I had injured him", he had said "No", but with hesitancy to his voice. I knew then that what I had shared had been too much for him to handle. He has been hurt at the aspect of the pain that I have had to endure regarding this entire matter. Now, what he does not know will not hurt him or injure him. I must be certain not to share or place myself in the position of sharing. I know that when we share imporant feelings, we must be careful about the hearer. We must be responsible to share carefully. I believe that I have. I still look forward to muchmore to come.
Pushing on. Pressing in. Moving beyond.
When I look at the strength of my palliative care, I can see that much was lacking. I certainly hope that the aspect of palliative care can be redefined. The church does a very poor job about palliative care--not just ours, but the larger aspect of the church. I want to be able to help make a difference in that care. Sure, we cannot meet the needs of all, but we can sure make an effort to be outreach and care for the best of them.
I must say that I feel like I am losing something important. Perhaps it is time to allow this to go. But I have to say that I am very much so scared about not being able to discuss my thoughts and my feelings too. I have to look at what has happened this past year. This will not be difficult; this will be something that I can do. I must do it.
I know that I have discussed this many times; I suppose it will be discussed as many times as needed to feel comfortable with the loss. I know that I have shared so much and more is to be shared. For the most part, it feels as though I have shared the deepest of me and there cannot possibly be any more to share. There has been and there will be more to come. I want to feel comfortable with reaching in and digging for more.
In the meantime, I am feeling more comfortable with what I have shared. Knowing that many are out there readng my deepest thoughts is enough. I know. It will be ok; I know. I think about all of the other women out there that may not be as fortunate as I regarding people to talk to and to discuss things with. I look forward to a place in the church where there is a healing and recovery services for women like myself. I know that children will need the same services.
For the most part, I am doing much better than what I have been doing. But, I will be insisting upon many more things to come. For the purpose of continuity of care, I want to continue to share, but not at the extent of creating more harm than good. I want to be able to resist the desire to share. It would be pointless to want to share. I realize that sharing with PM would create more harm than good. It is quite interesting that when I was told to "share" I wanted to resist. Now, I have no choice. When asked, I do not want to share. I want to protect from any harm that could occur. This hurts quite a bit because the issues that I had to deal with, between the sexual assault and the cancer, was too much for PM to bear. How intersting it is that I must be very careful to not cause any more harm to him. When I had asked if "I had injured him", he had said "No", but with hesitancy to his voice. I knew then that what I had shared had been too much for him to handle. He has been hurt at the aspect of the pain that I have had to endure regarding this entire matter. Now, what he does not know will not hurt him or injure him. I must be certain not to share or place myself in the position of sharing. I know that when we share imporant feelings, we must be careful about the hearer. We must be responsible to share carefully. I believe that I have. I still look forward to muchmore to come.
Pushing on. Pressing in. Moving beyond.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
This is what it is all about
I realize that what I have been working on is something that is very serious and difficult to discuss. I will always be willing to discuss and to move forward with it. I am not afraid or unwilling to continue. I have always said that I am willing and able to work on this. I am dismayed at some things and must say it. I have high expectations and am willing to express just how much these expectations do impact me. I do expect that others should know what to do and are willing to stand up and do the right thing. Certainly, we have heard of passer-bys that have watched people getting beaten or robbed and have not done anything to prevent or stop the assault from happening. This is not what we should be doing. I do have the expectation that if someone knows you are having a difficult time to be able to get up and assist. But! What are we supposed to do for teaching others to help out. We really do need someone to teach us to be human. I want to teach people how to be compassionate and to understand the human responsibility of what to do.
I am looking back at all the long days that I have had. Yes, there are many things that persist. I was at work today and felt very uncomfortable about a situation. No, no one knows about this situation. You are the first to understand and to read about my situation. Today, while at work, I had to go to another part of a client's home--the garage. I hate this part of the building because it is so cluttered and messy, but very enclosed. The worst thoughts entered my mind and I had a great difficulty in wanting to stay in the room. But, I do recognize that it is an unfounded fear and I will not be subject to such things that would prevent me from being able to complete my job sucessfully or completely. I did linger a little bit and was not going to be stymied about it. I am determined to not have these feelings become so overwhelming that I am not able to complete my tasks. I am bull-headed and stubborn to complete what I have set my mind to do.
I have been willing to look at things much deeper. As I have said, I have access to a room that I have not had for some time. I am looking into a room that has not been lit up well. I can see my baggage and garbage and it is not good. I can see cobwebs and the sort and it is not ok. I do not want to be complacent or to be unwilling to change. I am looking at the garbage bags and want to have them moved and removed from where they are. I realize that I do not need to have a label for each and every one of them. I do realize that I do want to understand that I can have them gone permanently. So, what are they? Could it be possible it is just more aspects of fear? Perhaps. Perhaps it is more. Unforgiveness? Wrongs? Past hurts? Possible and more.
What has this assault done to me? I have seen many years go by and see how the events in my life are impacted by the way that my life has been neglected. Yes, I can say neglected. I have been more diligent to work on the personal issues of my life. Is this easy? No. By any means, NO!! So, this does mean that I have been working on the things that have been making me a challenge. For example, what am I compulsive about? Am I compulsive? I may have another aspect about this, but to look at things with the ability to identify and to overcome. I am an overcomer and I will be able to look at the issues of my life and find the correlants. I am willing and able. I must also be very careful to not be too hard on myself in the process. Physician, heal thyself? Hmmmm
Pushing on. Pressing in. Digging on.
I am looking back at all the long days that I have had. Yes, there are many things that persist. I was at work today and felt very uncomfortable about a situation. No, no one knows about this situation. You are the first to understand and to read about my situation. Today, while at work, I had to go to another part of a client's home--the garage. I hate this part of the building because it is so cluttered and messy, but very enclosed. The worst thoughts entered my mind and I had a great difficulty in wanting to stay in the room. But, I do recognize that it is an unfounded fear and I will not be subject to such things that would prevent me from being able to complete my job sucessfully or completely. I did linger a little bit and was not going to be stymied about it. I am determined to not have these feelings become so overwhelming that I am not able to complete my tasks. I am bull-headed and stubborn to complete what I have set my mind to do.
I have been willing to look at things much deeper. As I have said, I have access to a room that I have not had for some time. I am looking into a room that has not been lit up well. I can see my baggage and garbage and it is not good. I can see cobwebs and the sort and it is not ok. I do not want to be complacent or to be unwilling to change. I am looking at the garbage bags and want to have them moved and removed from where they are. I realize that I do not need to have a label for each and every one of them. I do realize that I do want to understand that I can have them gone permanently. So, what are they? Could it be possible it is just more aspects of fear? Perhaps. Perhaps it is more. Unforgiveness? Wrongs? Past hurts? Possible and more.
What has this assault done to me? I have seen many years go by and see how the events in my life are impacted by the way that my life has been neglected. Yes, I can say neglected. I have been more diligent to work on the personal issues of my life. Is this easy? No. By any means, NO!! So, this does mean that I have been working on the things that have been making me a challenge. For example, what am I compulsive about? Am I compulsive? I may have another aspect about this, but to look at things with the ability to identify and to overcome. I am an overcomer and I will be able to look at the issues of my life and find the correlants. I am willing and able. I must also be very careful to not be too hard on myself in the process. Physician, heal thyself? Hmmmm
Pushing on. Pressing in. Digging on.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
A new day is dawning
I wanted to take this opportunity and to comment about what has been going on. This is the beginning of a new year and to look back at what has been going on is so important. This time last year, I was really struggling with being touched and being around a lot of people at one time. This is still some of my issues today, but not as intense. I am looking back at what I used to be and finding out that this is not the same. I am curious--is this because I am less afraid or that others know what I have been through to be able to get beyond what I have had to contend with. I am not sure and I hope that my paradigm will change and continue to be healthy and beneficial to myself and others.
What I have noticed is that the emotions that I have battled are not as rigorous as they used to be. Certainly, chemo had a huge amount of responsibility, but not all of it. I can look back and see that the things that haunted me were very deep and that I needed to take the time to address it and to move along. I have done more than just "move along". I have addressed them and battled each and every one of them. I have addressed the fear of being touched. Yes, this still is an underlying issue for me but it is not something that will cause panic in the mix. I am leary about being touched to some degree, but it does not cause fear and unrest like it did before.
I have addressed the whole aspect of fear. One of the most incidious emotions that a person can leave with is fear. Fear of being told something that you don't want to hear. Fear of someone knowing the darkest things about a person. Fear about entering places that you may not want to go. Fear of the proverbial unknown. I have really addressed these matters. I hate having to look back and see just how much fear that I had existing inside of me; but, the best thing to say is that the fear does not hold me back as it used to. Do I have more inside of me? Yes, I do. I have so many more insecurities that I will be attacking this year and looking forward to overcoming them as well.
I have overcome a huge deal of enclosed spaces. I hate it very much but I am less afraid of it now. I can move around a little bit more. I am very curious if chemo just creates a mess that is not normally there? Just the same, I can feel more comfortable with some circumstances and places. I have been able to use more of my "tools" and have been able to look less compromised. I have to use more self-talk and am looking forward to moving beyond this as a concern.
I do have to say that I am still a little leary about being touched too much. I do guard my back still and am not looking forward to someone wanting to just give me that warm "touch on the shoulder". I am very careful about the new friends at the church not understanding the difficulties that I have had this past year or so. I don't want anyone to share that bit of news with them. It has been a long and difficult trek and I am glad that things are coming along nicely. But, I must say, I feel at times that the whole ordeal could easily be brought back up again if easily compromised. I really do not want to feel compromised. I am glad that PM understands a little more. I am glad that many understand more. What others think really does matter to me. I know that we tell others not to worry about what others might say. For the most part, I hold others' esteem valuable. What I mean by that, is what people that I know that are able to speak into my life. Just the average "Joe Blow"? No. I really do not care about that. But, I do have cares about what I am to be. I am looking forward and not all that behind. I am looking forward to what more I can change and what more I can be.
On a humorous note, PM says that I need to move forward in the pews and slowly move forward to the front. I have existed in the back pews for years and have never really cared to be part of the up-front. I have hidden in the back to do homework or to read or to be distracted from what the sermon was being preached. For years, I did not like the preaching because it was watered down and I could easily get a stronger message at BHW. Ok. That has changed and so now? What? We are going to see, aren't we. And? I was told that I might look good in a dress for Sunday. Hmmmmmm. I have not worn a dress for a long time. But, with my hair growing back and things looking very "butch", I am not sure how I want to venture out with that. I am looking forward to wearing one of my dresses. I think that I would like that. But, I have warn pants and my boots for a long time; I am very comfortable with that. We shall see.
Looking. Pushing. Pressing.
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