My thoughts today are very ... uncertain how to explain. While I have been doing very well, I have been pondering about a lot. My flashbacks are stirred up again; but, that is ok. Nothing out of the unusual has been happening. I have been tired from work and from school and this is to be expected. I have not had anything so disturbing that I cannot get through the day. I have been working a lot. The events in the home are being perpetuated and I have come to the resolution that they will continue for a while longer.
I have been thinking of the relationships that I have developed over the past several years. I am amazed at what I have been seeing in others as well as the things that have happened because of them. I am thankful for many things and people. But, they are on my mind. What is it that has happened that has kept them there? I do not know. But, I know that many are on my mind and I am learning to just sit and think about what it is that is keeping them there.
I was thinking about T and about PM. It is odd to refer to him as PM. I refer to him now as MB. It is very strange to not address in the same manner. I have not attended HLCC for some time now and it is getting easier to do. I have been attending CC for the duration. I had found CC last year and was getting to attend on a regular basis. When I have grave shifts, I am unable to make service like I would like to. I have been thinking of them at this new fellowship and wonder about what I want to share with them. What has been heavy on my mind is what JC has told me in times past. I have not called to speak with him at all the past week. There was something that was said to me at the last conversation: "why are you continuing to allow this to bother you?" Well, conversations like this are not all that good. I have been trying to be resolute about what I share and with whom. At times I feel as though the best persons to share with are your bartender and your counselor. But, choose your bartender well. I like to drink for the WELL--my LORD. So, HE is my bartender and serves me living water! SO, I share with HIM.
I realize that JC may no longer be qualified to counsel. I remember telling PD about something and how JC could not answer. He was amazed about it and had said that if he did not know what to say, he could not share otherwise. So, I am seeing things in a different paradigm. What do I say to others about what has happened in the past? Very little. There are those who just do not know what to say or really care to know what to say. But, then again, there are few people that you share your deepest matters with. Certainly. But, when they say that they are there for you, then you really do understand who they are when you do share. Is that any fault of my own or theirs? No. But, it really does make a person feel very poorly when that does not happen like it used to. This is where I am right now. I feel very poorly for sharing with others. I do not want to share with JC anymore. I do not share with MB or PD. And, going to CC now, I am careful about who I share things with as well.
We need to all process through the events of our lives. Yes, that is scriptural. It is called meditation. We must all allow events of our lives to be meditated upon. If we do not, then the events that are traumatic can cause more injury. When I was raped, I did not get the proper counseling. I did not see the importance of it all. The embarrassment of it all was too much. The shame and the guilt that still bubbles up from the whole aspect of what I did. It was not my fault; I did not ask for this horrible event to happen. And now? Many do not realize the importance of sharing now to get rid of it. That injury is there. The scars are visible; but, they are not open wounds anymore. Not anymore. I do not want to discuss these events with anyone new. I do miss having these discussions with MB/PM. I do miss that. Why? He was a safe zone and I was understood; but, even more so, I had developed a rapport and that gave me a level of confidence. However, that rapport was destroyed and it will never be the same again. I am needing that same feeling of comfort again. I would love to continue the discussions. I would love to be able to say just how much a new church is challenging me and how everyone wants to be so "reach out and touch someone". I do not care that much for it. But, no one knows about what I have been going through. And, I have been sharing less and less with others about the kiddo and the cancer stuff. This is not that easy. It is harder than what I would like to say, but it is getting much easier. One day, I know that I will be able to comfortably share and to have just that person to say, "I need to open up to you about things". Yes, I am here. I am doing well.
I have been told that I have done nothing wrong to share. I have been told that I have done nothing wrong in opening up with my inner difficulties. I know that I have not. I do not believe that I will ever feel as though I have done something wrong. But, I do feel hesitatant now because I do not want to take any more chances in losing anyone. It hurts too much.
Looking. Listening. Waiting.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Be ready in season and out of season
For the longest efforts that I have had, I must express one thing that has not been addressed thus far. How to respond back to a person who has experienced trauama. To take an effort and to learn how to respond takes a caring person who is willing to accept the fact errors are going to be made in learning how to respond back. When we share with others our deepest and darkest concerns, we want to know that the other person will be listening and not thinking about tomorrow's dinner. Responding back to a person who chooses to share is so very important.
When I had shared with PM, it was the most difficult thing ever. I had realized that I needed to share. I realized that, prior to all of the chemo and cancer, I needed to start to learn how to share and to trust; it was one of the most difficult things that I could have ever engaged in. Today, I no longer attend HLCC because of the level of engagement that I have partook. I have been brutally honest when the days were requing it and to teach and make an opportunity to show PM what it would mean to be part of the leadership of a CC.
"May I ask you a question?" was how I would open many conversations. When the floodgates of conversation started, it was open and the torrent could not be closed. I had realized that I had been silent for far too long. I had realized, in the more well of my days that I needed to have someone listen and to milk the process and to allow it to come forward. Today, I hold the same position; but, this may not be the outcome that was meant. It was the chance I had to take. Was it worth it? Yes. To me, it was well worth it. For him? Perhaps not. But, in years to come, I pray that he understands what it means to be the one that holds such precious thoughts.
Listen. Do more than just using your ears to hear what is being said, but to physically listen. Sit attentatively. Do not look all around and hope that someone interrupts the conversation. This is cold and heartless. Understand that eye contact, whether the other person can make it or not, needs to be allowed to wander from the person sharing. But look listening. Your facial expressions make all the difference in the world and they are the most impacting and bonding of all. The deepest and most significant gift that may be acquired in all of this is the gift of trust that is bonded inside. This is something that is not given easily and cannot be taken back so easily. Once trust has been established, then the sharing process has begun and a seed of hope has been planted. It will be a difficult process; but, it is a process that must come. Be prepared.
What to say. No one can easily understand what to say. When a person is sharing, they are searching for a way to describe what had happened. Some may be rude and vulgar about the event--it is merely the anger of assault and trauma. It has to come out and be said. Do not be afraid to hear words that are related to body parts. Do not tell the other person that they need to use better language. This is cathartic, and once it has been said, it will be easier to overcome it, accept it and to then overcome the next process. Healing.
Dialogue. Allow the person who has been traumatized to discuss. This is a process that the person has been needing to engage in. The horror of the experience is very real. Every experience is different and every experience has the same outcome--pain and injury. Even if your thoughts and comments are minimal, your presence is more than what is needed. That helps to begin the healing process. This does not mean that everything will come out all at once. This may take days, weeks, or even months. But, this is the beginning. I still feel the need to discuss some things in depth. Just because the event has been discussed once, twice, or multiple times, does not mean that the process is complete. You are in the process and the process is doing what it is supposed to do. It is designed to allow the healing to begin and for the other person to understand what they are feeling and to help identify the emotions and to work them out in their own due time. Does this mean that the other person does not need direction in the discussion? All the more so for it. The other person would hope that you help to make some sence of what has happened and from that point, to continue to look for the answers. Some of these answers are life-long. So, do not be afraid of time that is well spent. The victim within is emerging to the victor without. Victory is the finish line. It is more than just becoming a survivor. It is more than just recovery. It is learning to be what was removed in a single ugly act. It is the equivelant of transplanting daisies for peonies.
What not to say. This can be more of a discovery process for both; but, you will learn quickly what not to say. Do not say that "just get over it" is enough. It is not a matter of "just getting over it" or even "pity party". This is a time of healing and grieving for what is lost. Healing, like any other illness, requires time. It requires therapy in many forms. It requires a warm and needed touch to a hurt and arid place--the heart of the person. This place is very important to rebuild. It can make the difference of life or death. This is not melodramatic. Many men and women engage in self-abuse and harm. Their lives are impacted with substance abuse and alcholism or even suicide. There will be days where no one will know what to say; but, at that point, compassion is the greatest key. Know when love is all that you need and to encourage in care and caution. To avoid such events of abuse and self-harm, the sooner the help and communication the better.
There may be that individual who may not be able to recover the way that you would like. There is that person who maintains complete resistance. There will be times when you will not feel like wanting to continue your sharpest; but, I guarantee you that it is the most rewarding thing ever. When you know that a person that you have shared with listens, it is more precious than anything else in this life. It is more precious than the air in your lungs.
As a woman of faith, I do not count it as a lack of faith to experience my emotional days. All the more so the contrary. The LORD specifically intends for all of us to share in our emotions and to be aware that they are present during time of difficulty. The medicine is on the way. The only way to overcome these things is time and with that the gifted hands of a healer. Take that opportunity to continue. You know someone who may need to have those hands stretched out. Walk carefully and understand that when you are gifted with the secret that you will receive, it is more precious than anything. In the same aspect, the burden of knowledge can change you in ways that you had never expected.
Looking on. Reaching out. Pressing in.
When I had shared with PM, it was the most difficult thing ever. I had realized that I needed to share. I realized that, prior to all of the chemo and cancer, I needed to start to learn how to share and to trust; it was one of the most difficult things that I could have ever engaged in. Today, I no longer attend HLCC because of the level of engagement that I have partook. I have been brutally honest when the days were requing it and to teach and make an opportunity to show PM what it would mean to be part of the leadership of a CC.
"May I ask you a question?" was how I would open many conversations. When the floodgates of conversation started, it was open and the torrent could not be closed. I had realized that I had been silent for far too long. I had realized, in the more well of my days that I needed to have someone listen and to milk the process and to allow it to come forward. Today, I hold the same position; but, this may not be the outcome that was meant. It was the chance I had to take. Was it worth it? Yes. To me, it was well worth it. For him? Perhaps not. But, in years to come, I pray that he understands what it means to be the one that holds such precious thoughts.
Listen. Do more than just using your ears to hear what is being said, but to physically listen. Sit attentatively. Do not look all around and hope that someone interrupts the conversation. This is cold and heartless. Understand that eye contact, whether the other person can make it or not, needs to be allowed to wander from the person sharing. But look listening. Your facial expressions make all the difference in the world and they are the most impacting and bonding of all. The deepest and most significant gift that may be acquired in all of this is the gift of trust that is bonded inside. This is something that is not given easily and cannot be taken back so easily. Once trust has been established, then the sharing process has begun and a seed of hope has been planted. It will be a difficult process; but, it is a process that must come. Be prepared.
What to say. No one can easily understand what to say. When a person is sharing, they are searching for a way to describe what had happened. Some may be rude and vulgar about the event--it is merely the anger of assault and trauma. It has to come out and be said. Do not be afraid to hear words that are related to body parts. Do not tell the other person that they need to use better language. This is cathartic, and once it has been said, it will be easier to overcome it, accept it and to then overcome the next process. Healing.
Dialogue. Allow the person who has been traumatized to discuss. This is a process that the person has been needing to engage in. The horror of the experience is very real. Every experience is different and every experience has the same outcome--pain and injury. Even if your thoughts and comments are minimal, your presence is more than what is needed. That helps to begin the healing process. This does not mean that everything will come out all at once. This may take days, weeks, or even months. But, this is the beginning. I still feel the need to discuss some things in depth. Just because the event has been discussed once, twice, or multiple times, does not mean that the process is complete. You are in the process and the process is doing what it is supposed to do. It is designed to allow the healing to begin and for the other person to understand what they are feeling and to help identify the emotions and to work them out in their own due time. Does this mean that the other person does not need direction in the discussion? All the more so for it. The other person would hope that you help to make some sence of what has happened and from that point, to continue to look for the answers. Some of these answers are life-long. So, do not be afraid of time that is well spent. The victim within is emerging to the victor without. Victory is the finish line. It is more than just becoming a survivor. It is more than just recovery. It is learning to be what was removed in a single ugly act. It is the equivelant of transplanting daisies for peonies.
What not to say. This can be more of a discovery process for both; but, you will learn quickly what not to say. Do not say that "just get over it" is enough. It is not a matter of "just getting over it" or even "pity party". This is a time of healing and grieving for what is lost. Healing, like any other illness, requires time. It requires therapy in many forms. It requires a warm and needed touch to a hurt and arid place--the heart of the person. This place is very important to rebuild. It can make the difference of life or death. This is not melodramatic. Many men and women engage in self-abuse and harm. Their lives are impacted with substance abuse and alcholism or even suicide. There will be days where no one will know what to say; but, at that point, compassion is the greatest key. Know when love is all that you need and to encourage in care and caution. To avoid such events of abuse and self-harm, the sooner the help and communication the better.
There may be that individual who may not be able to recover the way that you would like. There is that person who maintains complete resistance. There will be times when you will not feel like wanting to continue your sharpest; but, I guarantee you that it is the most rewarding thing ever. When you know that a person that you have shared with listens, it is more precious than anything else in this life. It is more precious than the air in your lungs.
As a woman of faith, I do not count it as a lack of faith to experience my emotional days. All the more so the contrary. The LORD specifically intends for all of us to share in our emotions and to be aware that they are present during time of difficulty. The medicine is on the way. The only way to overcome these things is time and with that the gifted hands of a healer. Take that opportunity to continue. You know someone who may need to have those hands stretched out. Walk carefully and understand that when you are gifted with the secret that you will receive, it is more precious than anything. In the same aspect, the burden of knowledge can change you in ways that you had never expected.
Looking on. Reaching out. Pressing in.
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