Hard days are here

I do have to admit that there are hard days that I have seen and still more yet to come. Today, was one of the hardest days that I have seen in a long, long time. I was able to get to church this morning, but it was more difficult than anything else. I have had a migraine for a couple of days and it has been a doozie. I have been dizzy, nausous, irritable and just general malaise. I really hate these. But, the most frustrating thing has been this overwhelming intollerance to colognes and scents. No matter how much I try to sit and be ready to just relax, it does not work. I cannot handle it. But, what got me today was PD. I wanted prayer, but this was not going to work. My issues of being touched is enough; but, to pull me? That was more than enough. I hate coersion. I really hate that so much is not understood; I felt horrible this morning and it just was not understood. I worked hard to make it to church and from there, it turned out to be just too difficult.


Today, I felt like a freak all over again. I really do not like feeling like that. I hate having to explain some things; but, more importantly, I felt very vulnerable. I wanted prayer so much and by going up to be prayed for, I was extremely nauseated by PM's cologne. This is just too much. I am getting quite frustrated at the fact that all around me are colognes and strong scents. I had to take my bandanna out and cover my mouth and nose because it was so strong. Smells are bothering me to much. I have felt so horrible today that I should not have gone to church; but, I did. I ended up putting water on the bandanna and then wiping my face and my head. That helped some, but not enough. I ended up going back to my seat and just relaxed. Then, of course, PD came to me and wanted to know if I wanted prayer. Of course I did! But, the cologne. OH, can I just scream!! Then, I offered my hand to be helped up. Then the comment came. "But you did not want to be touched." Well, I was offering, but then at that point, it was a matter that I pulled my hand back quickly. He wanted me to go to the other room for prayer. That was it. I was triggered and I had to go. At that point, I did not want to be touched or dragged to the other room. I felt very uncomfortable and compromised. I understand that PD wanted to just be helpful; however, that was not the way to do it. I will have to get into a conversation with him to establish some type of protocol. I hope that he will not be uncomfortable about things.

I have no idea what to do about the cologne situation other than just avoid. Nothing good can come out avoiding. I am hoping that a solution will come very soon.

Pushing on. Pressing in. Moving forward.

Taking hold of these

For the most part, I know these insecurities. I have been working diligently to work on many things. I can feel many things starting to bubble up and I know that some things are going to surface more than others. My anger is one thing that I am needing to explore. I have been burying my anger for years. There are many things that I am angry about with respect to this violation. I am angry over the cancer. But, I am angry with myself. I must be very careful about misplaced anger and aggression towards others. I am very glad that I have my dojo time. I have taken that time and opportunity to work out stress and anxiety. I am working to concentrate on developing more discipline in my physical activity and strength.

I did talk to N yesterday. It is nice that I do have someone that I can chat with when my head and heart days are a little more than what I would like. This will be good when I do not have to email PM. I really do hate that I get up in the middle of the night and have a rough time. She said that I can call anytime day or night. I am really not all that keen on calling during the early hours of the day; but, she did say that it was ok.

Thus far, my anxiety is ok. I do not feel all that great. My evening started out with a migraine and went to nausea. I feel like I am coming down with a cold; I am cold and cannot warm up. I cannot wait to get back to bed and enjoy a good night sleep.

Pusing on. Pressing in. Looking on.

The impossible for the day

There is so much going on inside that I have been working through. Seems like it all the time. But, this is ok. This means that things are becoming resolved and I am looking forward to getting things resolved. I know that what lies within must come out. As I have written before, the anger of things is buried very deep. I have waxed things over for so long that when the anger does emerge, I hope that it will be guided very carefully.

Some of the things that I have been very hesitant to do is to seek others as "gatekeepers". With my mistrust alread, I do not know anyone who might actually want to be a gatekeeper for me. I was thinking of Sunday and I know one thing for certain--I really am having some areas being tromped on and I am very careful about my response. I can feel the anger come up and I do not want to be around some people when it happens. There is so much anger in me from everything. I hate that I am not a whole person at times. I have to fight my thoughts of insecurity and persistance. I hate that I cannot look and feel 100 percent at times. I am constantly reassuring myself of things. I have to reassure myself of relationships with others. At times, the battle of just feeling lesser is so much that I just retreat from others and return within. But now, the impossible for the day is to reach out. I really do not want to. I remember the day when PM told me to reach out. He told me to get to know others as a "close knit family". I told him, " I beg of you not to ask me to do that". I still feel that way, but I do realize the wisdom of that. It is magnified more when I have an issue of trusting. How to trust.

Now, for the day, trust is so important. I am sharing more information; but, I want to scream. I am in a place now where I have shared, I am vulnerable and I must trust my emotions to others who may/not understand. This is difficult for me. This is arcane to me. This is not what I want to do, but I must complete this. It makes me feel separate from others and I do not want that. I want to be free from my internal conversation of what others might think.

I want to not be worried about being bottled up as well. I want to be able to feel comfortable in places and not feel like I need to run or hide. One thing that I am looking forward to is being able to sit in a room with a bunch of other people and not feel like I want to bolt. Sunday, for example, at Family Fun Night, I sat next to PM for the games. I had one cheek on and one cheek off ready to go. Awkward!! And the cologne? That still bothers me. I hope that someday the smell of cologne will not upset me so.

But, fear captivates me. Anger makes me hide. It makes me retreat and not lean on others because I do not want anyone to know what is in me. It keeps me separated from others.

Pressing on. Pushing in. Not retreating on.

Wondering and pondering about things

Today was a day that I was expecting to be rather emotional; however, it was not. I was told by T that I looked much better than what I have been. I have to say, not having the monkey on my back about chemo and radiation is nice. So much has been removed from me and it is nice that things are easing. When I had gotten home from work, I was eager to head to church. I look forward to church more and more. Despite it all, it is awesome. Yes, I know there are so many areas of being trapped or touched or just being encroached upon. I am working diligently on trying to just be careful and knowing my surroundings. I do not care to be sitting too close to some.

I was very happy that PD was able to read the material that I had left with PM. It was nice to see that someone understood what I have been experiencing. Rape Trauma Syndrome/PTSD associated with the trauma is what I have been experiencing. My anxiety is higher these days and working through the anxiety is a chore that will be here for some time until the LORD sees it completely gone. I know that it will happen; in the meantime, I know that I am much more safer and that is more comforting now than ever. I am encouraged that I am understood and the pressure to move beyond is not as heavy. The LORD is guiding me in all of this and from that point, I am comforted to know that no matter if I am at the church or not, I am not going to be mocked, scoffed or harrassed for the difficulties that I have been experiencing. They are very real to me and that is the biggest hurdle.

I am eager for more time to go by. I want this to be further and further behind me. I feel a little more confident that my wishes are being respected; even more so, that I am being more understood. I have hated that I have not been understood the way that I know that I could be. I will continue to blog my thoughts. They are so much better for the time being.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Believing on.

Continuing education

I have noticed that I have not made a post in a very long time. As I have been completing the most difficult part of treatment, I have been working diligently on the issues that have vexed me. There have been many things that have been ongoing. The flashbacks are ongoing. I have had some very difficult ones and at the most difficult time as well--during radiation treatment. For the most part, the intensity is less and frequency the same. I continue to pray, listen to my music and to use positive self-talk to dispell these.

Since my last posting, I have had many events happen. I have been experiencing some very interesting challenges to my trust-o-meter. I have been chatting more to one of the ladies in my church--N. I am not entirely sure how I feel about this new and budding relationship of trust. I have noticed that very few people do understand what is going on and what has happened. As more people are growing to understand what is going on, I have been asked some very awkward questions. I have seen others try too hard to make things "better". PM was/is one of them. I did express that I do have difficulty in being in enclosed spaces. Not every enclosed space is difficult. There are some circumstances where the reminder of violation just comes back and is overwhelming. PM had taken it upon himself to try and "lure" me to "baby steps". Hmmm. I had to express to him that I was not there to have anyone "fix me". Yes, I am damaged goods. However, not so that I would need to be felt that I needed to be "fixed". No, walk with me. Walk with me. Literally and figuratively. I do have difficulties in trusting and relying upon others for the things that I should need. However, a day of testation is always needed. I am reminded again and again of the days when we needed help in our long and difficult days and there was none. But, even more so, the looks from others when they know that they should have been helping out and did not. Trust?

Now that I am not challenged with the added issues of treatment, some things are less taxing. However, I can see that PM has been taxed by all of this. I have shared with him some very heavy stuff and leaned upon him for things most difficult. My discussions about all things have been shifted from PM to JC. Yes, little JC--the Rock of Gibraltar. I remember one day, I had asked a question of PM and his was response was very disconcerting. He had said that if he felt that I needed to be referred to anyone he would do so. Fair enough; however, not so. I know that I have had some difficult days; however, please do not make me feel any more like a headcase than I already feel. Thank goodness for JC.

I still have quite a bit of bitterness and anger locked in me from so much. I hate that I have been stained so. I hate that I have had to go through cancer treatment. I hate that I have been separated from others. I hate that this will never be over--I wil be locked in a way that I feel different from others. But, I can say that I am very happy that I have learned to do more than just compensate. I am looking forward to conquering.

Pressing on. Conquering on.

Moving to the next thing

So, I had a conversation today with Another G. The conversation was very good and it was reassuring to discuss some things freely. So, the discussion of Sunday came up. I was hugging others. Yes, I was hugging others. But we discussed that when I openly hug others, it is because I will exchange for that. It is with incredible cost that I do that. That night, I had flashbacks. I was determined to get beyond the hugging and touching despite the flashbacks. Yea, I have been told that this appears to be giving mixed messages. I am working diligently to get beyond the boundaries of all of this but it exhausts me. Why do I worry about this so much? I do not want anyone to expect me to always be willing to be touched without a cost or without any kind of visible frustation. I am working on touching on my terms and time schedule. I am not trying to do this on anyone else's schedule. I realize this.

The touching issue runs very deep. I know that I have discussed this before, but it is always important to me. I can touch many people who are strangers. I have no expectation of being touched by them because everyone has their own personal boundaries. For the most part, many strangers do not care to be touched without permission. We look at each other with a recognition of touching. This can be either a touch on the shoulder, arm, a light touch or shrug. We all do this. The non-committal type of hug or touch is non-threatening. I engage in all of these because they are all acceptable. I do not have to worry about the obligation of the other person. Building relationships and friendships require more than just a non-committal kind of hug or touch. Then the obligation comes. The walls must be addressed and from there the boundaries become very defined. Sometimes the walls can move in closer and closer because of perceptions and concepts that might be overwhelming.

For me? It is all of the above. I do not want to get that close to a person for them to understand that I have been "tainted" by rape. This is my personal concept. But, too, the violation of rape creates the boundaries. I think intently about these things because it effects me severely. I do not care to have to relive some things and I do. The flashbacks, for example, are outcomes of the event. I remember the rape. I remember the feelings that I had. I do not relive the rape but I do remember the feelings of isolation, anger, hatred and frustration. I started to experience the feelings of shame not long after that. I remember that I had started to feel funny/wierd. I remember the days that I walked around and could not place the feelings. I remember the days that I just could not sit still at church. I did not understand what was going on; but, I do now. I remember the days that I could not just get involved with things. I did, for the most part, keep going. I recognized that this was rape and I had to push myself to move beyond the assault. I had to tell myself that it was not going to bother me and that it was not going to prevent me from being who I was. But, it did. Some things just remained dormant. I did not realize that the assault bothered me more than what I gave credit for it. Now, today, after so many years the cancer stirred things up. I am beginning to believe that these things were stirred up for a good long time. I do not need to be actively involved with something (some investment) and to sabbotage my career. I do not need that. I am happy to get through this. I need to get throught this.

I do realize that I have quite a bit still to get through. The anger is still there. There is still much that has not been discussed that I have just allowed to be just under the surface. I have accommodated this and have made adjustments according to the events of my life. This does not mean that I have addressed these things. But, I have worked to recognize the behavior. I know what to expect now. I have compensated the behaviors. I avoid certain events and circumstances. I avoid some people. I do not care to be in large groups that I do not have a way to escape. I do not care to be around a lot of men; however, I relate more with men than I do with women. I have worked hard alongside men to build my career.

Do I feel like I want to blame? I am not sure. I have never placed any blame except for myself. No one could have told me about this person. I did not want to believe it. But, when the behavior started, I was in deeper than what I believed. When the rape occurred, I hated him. That is something that I know that I will need to be addressing. I do not know if I have forgiven him; I know that it is important. I have never prayed for him. I have never cared to. I know that I avoid that issue with everything that is in me. I do realize that the day is coming that I will be needing to address this. When? I am not sure.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Realizing on.

When things happen again

I know that I have said it many times that I hate these flashbacks, but I really do. For the most part, these flashbacks happen less frequently and are still very consistent. I have been experiencing them for far too long now and they are driving me nuts. Sometimes I feel like I am going nuts myself. I know that I am not. Just this past weekend, I had some more flashbacks and nightmares. They create sleeplessness thatI do not care for. I do not think anyone cares for such sleeplessness. I know that when these happen, they leave me feeling insecure, with shame and guilt, and anger. I do not care for the way that I feel dirty or nasty after they happen. I wonder at times if I should keep a log of when they happen, the material or the frequency. I can have them any time of the day or night. Just when I feel as though I can move forward with touching, I am vexed again with a flashback and the feeling of being touched creates a whole new issue for me. I try so hard to be able to get to touch some and then a flashback happens and I am pushed again to just feel like I am issolated once again. I do not care for this at all. I do not want to just retreat from all of this and just not be around anyone; this would be wrong. I have to practice a lot of self-discussion and to reassure myself of what is going on.

What am I going to do about all of this? I do a lot of self-discussion/talk. I am working on my spiritual discussion as well and to build my inner strength. The "inner sanctum" in which motivates me to do what is done needs to be protected. As I continue with the chemo and move on to the radiation, I have noticed that I am very anxious about things. Knowing the type of therapy this will be is making me very anxious. I have to ask a lot more questions regarding this and to be ready to push forward. I do not know how this this going to effect/affect me and so I must be prepared for the whole thing. I do not want to retreat but there will be days that it will be necessary. I am not looking forward to the questions and the looks from everyone. I am looking forward to feeling whole. I am not sure how I want to answer some questins from others. I know that some will not ask questions. I know there are some that will not undestand my emotions and so keeping an even keel will be essential. I must learn to practice covering up and hiding things more. The effects of chemo will be done and I will be mending from all of the side effects. I am looking forward to feeling whole once again.

I must remain fixed to the course on this journey. The feelings that I have been left with are very mixed and very unsettling. I have discussed trust, anger, hatred, fear, anxiety and more. I have indicated that some of these emotions I will be addressing again. I do feel that the discussin is coming once again. I have felt such an impending need to have a release of emotion and I know there is still so much buried beneath it all. As I continue to prayerfully move along, I am working on my plan of focus. I do not want to loose the ground that I have made; in the same respect, the ground that I have made does not feel like I have been successful. I have a sneaky feeling that is when I have made the most success.

I have been examining this through my "trust-o-meter" and my "touch-o-meter". I feel that they are equally balanced and linked. I know that there are certain zones of my body that I do not want to have touched. How do I make people realize that I do not want to be touched. I know that Another G understands. But, how do I make others understand that I do not care to be touched?

Pushing on. Pressing on. Waiting on.