Tenacity ... is there anything else?

I suppose that anyone who knows me can say that I am, at best, very tenacious. Yes, is there anything else? I must say, no. I am tenacious. I have to be tenacious. If I were not, then I believe that my outcomes would not be the same. If I want to attain the goal of wellness, I must be tenacious. This is for my betterment and not for my destruction. However, when I seek for the higher goal, I must be willing to make the trek. I am and will be doing so.

Over the past couple of years, since my diagnosis, I have been working diligently to get to the "spot". I have been working to get into the "door" and am at the threshold. I am glad that I have been focused on this goal and beleive that I have been there many times. What has happened to make things renewed for me to be in this place? I was told something at church. I have seen this before. It was PM who would work for me to hear "I love you". Now, it is PD to say that I am "pretty". Ok. Now I know that I have got to look at myself in a different mirror. Why? Why should I hear that? I suppose I have an issue with my own perception of beauty? Or a perception of my own identity? I have a strong identity; I believe that I have always had a strong identity. So, this is what has me thinking. Am I to fit the mold of someone else's idea of beauty? I know that since my surgery, I have a hard time with the different sizes of my breasts. That really does bother me. The different types of bras and the concern that I will not be able to look good in one of them other than in a sports bra. I hate it. I have been in the store with another person shopping for bras. It hurts that I may not be able to wear the kind of bra I would like without a prosthesis. I do not have one. I am so concerned that others would be able to tell the difference. I suppose that I will be the only person who will be able to tell the difference. But, I wonder. I am determined and so therefore I will not quit until I get some type of response or desired outcome. I want an outcome that is not what I have been told to receive. I want. I will. I am going to do it.

Too, another thing that I have been dealing with are the flashbacks and the thoughts. Some days are harder than others. I hate that I can be having a nice moment and then it is interrupted with something foul. Sometimes, an association can trigger it. Other times a comment or a precarious situation. Other times, I am steady as a rock. But, I have been pressed emotionally and so, things are bound to be surfacing. I have ordered a book as well. I will be reading more about recovery and assocation. I am not a victim any more; I am a survivor. I have not been a victim for a very long time. I am a survivor and have been one for many years. It is very frustrating to understand that much of this got stirred up during chemo. In so many ways, I am glad this happened. There is nothing like having something like this surface after many more years.

So, now, what are my tactics going to be? Well, I have to continue to do as I have been doing. I will continue to watch what I put into the old noggin' and to allow myself leeway on many things. I have to use positive self-talk and to allow my emotions to not be bottled up. I cannot allow these things to stop me from what I know what to do. I will continue to reach out and to continue to see what I know is right. I will continue to move forwrd. I will not allow nightmares to bother me; I know that there are some to come that I will not care for. But, I can do this. I have been doing this. This previous trauma will not stop me.

Pushing. Pressing. Not seeing.

The steeplechase

What is it that I know? I know so much, yet I do not know. Today, a day that I will remember for some time, felt like a steeplechase. "Over the hills and through the woods [...]" is how I have felt. I had the opportunity to talk to PD. Yes, of all people. We took the time to chat after I had finished with work. With so much going on, just having the time to just shoot the breeze is nice. "Shoot" the breeze. What is it that I must "shoot"? Funny I should say that. As I was talking to him, explaining all the things that have been going on lately is just the thing. It is not easy to discuss things with new people; but, he has been there from the relative beginning. The events and behaviors of my kiddo has been in my immediate forefront. I have been very much so preoccupied with the events of her care. She is in juvie. This is a huge ordeal. But this is not going to be the thing that stops me.

Explaining things today was very interesting. It is good to be able to explain things without heavy emotion. This is very reassuring that the issues and correlations of my life are not so overwhelming to the point of disablement. I am not disabled; I am redefined. This redefinition provides me a hope that I am to hold on to. I like hope. This is a steeplechase. It is a race with ditches, hedges and jumps. Just when I thought that I was about to get into the mix again, I realized that the obstacle course was redefined. I am looking forward to getting the layout of the terraine. It will be good though. It is good for me to be aware of the upcoming events that will cause a new challenge for me and to me. I must be willing to concede on things. But, what will I need to concede? What is it that I know that I must be willing to yield on? I am thinking and taking inventory. Taking inventory is never meant to be anything other than beneficial. What is allowable?

What is allowable? Allowable for what? I am to allow myself many things. I am to allow myself to feel emotion. I am to allow myself to feel toward myself. It is amazing. No one has ever said this to me. I am to permit myself to feel insecure; loved; afraid; desolate; fearful; uncertain; and any other emotion that may arise. Now, I am to allow myself to move beyond and to create an environment of healing and reassurace. I am allowed to give myself over to healing. Strange that it might sound; but, it is true. I am to give the necessary time or opportunity for healing. I look back and see that so many years of burying has happened. This original event happened nearly 20 years ago. It is hard to believe that so many years of pain and hurt were buried so deep within. And I did it to myself. I remember the days of not getting any emotional support and had just decided to get it buried and not to allow the emotion to come forth. I was so wrong. Being emotionally bottled up is not ok. It was not ok then and it is not ok now. But, now? Now so many have seen me cry. The added complexities of chemo did not help.

So, was chemo a blessing or a curse? In some ways, I can say that it was a blessing. I actually can be thankful that so much was dredged up. I needed to have some healing. Someone at work had said to me that she was thankful for the cancer. It made her a stronger person. Yes, I can say that it made me a stronger person; however, it took its toll. I am not sure that I want to say that I am strong because of such an ordeal. I can honestly say that for such a long time, it has been all that I knew. It seemed that I was going through the numbers and they were not good. But, they were. All my numbers were good. All my numbers are good now. Physically and emotionally. They are good and getting better. 

Looking. Seeking. Jumping.

So this much I know must continue

There is much that I do not know and much that I can give testimony about. I can look back at the many months that have passed by and see how much change there has been. I was expressed something a little wihile ago--a week ago, as a matter of fact. For the things that have occurred, I can say that I am not so angry about anymore. I am hurt. The anger has been changed to something more manageable. I am hurt. I am looking forward to the healing to be that I am no longer hurting. I am hoping to move to a point where the hurt is just a dream and all this that has happened is now just a huge and dark memory. Yes, it is a dark memory, but the kind that lingers and has claws and has taken root.

My zones. I must always be concerned about my zones. I hate my shoulders being touched, rubbed and leaned upon. Well, this happened last week. I did not care for this to happend and so many people think that this is an open area for touch, activity and mayhem. Well, maybe not mayhem, but to me it is the same. I cannot explain to others. It would not be ok. But, I can find positions and postures that would indicate that my shoulders are off-limits.

So, this is a segway to other things. Moving along to things of greater importance. There is a threshold that must be examined. Post-care. What do I mean by post-care? I am to remember that what assaulted me and to continue to that which is restorative. I have come to the realization of many things--I am not alone in my journey to wellness from attacks of the unkind. In the process, I must look to find ways of restoration through something that I had never thought of--systems. The dynamics of systems theory is just that within a "system"--medical model, scientific model, criminal justice model--there is quite a bit of information, healing and application to be done. I have examine a system that is not very well applied--religious. This system has so much judgement and must never been exercised like that. Just the same, examining the entire aspect of these systems are equally important. I am boggled and amazed at the same time. I must look and I know that I will find.

What is it that I am looking for? And what is it that I am going to find? Answers! I have questions and I know that answers are there to be found. This will be a very interesting hunting expedition. In an very unexpected place, I saw me mirrored in a make-believe character--Tony Stark. I was watching Iron Man 2 and was amazed when Tony had said that he did not like to be touched. For whatever the reason (not mentioned), it was something that had a very familiar ring. I do not like to be touched. But, I am willing to be touched. I am willing to go the distance to be touched. I am willing to experience the sense of being touched. We know the reason(s) why touching is something that is very uncomfortable. Yes, I have gone so far as to explain the anatomy of a touch. Some may snicker; others might argue. I simple explained. Simple enough. I have to say that I do enjoy working in an environment where we must ask permission to be touched and to touch in return. I do like it. I do not have a phobia of being touched, rather I just must have a certain trust about being touched. The sting of domestic violence that is left behind and has created that sense in me that I do not want to be hurt again. Combined with the cancer/post chemo experience, I just hate the chances. Chemo really stirred me up. But, we shall not go through that again. This is going to be another aspect of walking in wellness. I am going to walk in wellness. I am going to seek wellness. I am well. And, no, this is no dream. It can happen.

Aren't I already well? Yes, certainly. But, I want to be able to move beyond the issue of touching or having difficulty in a small enclosed space that might feel compromising. I hate that feeling. I am not trying to create a situation that does not exist; rather, I am looking forward to examining these feelings and then to dissect and to tackle this to the best of my ability. It will happen. It has happend. It is happening now.

Systems approach for me is going to be incredible. How each aspect examines how to approach rape and sexual assault will be interesting. This is an area that does not get examined as it should and from there, too much is lost in translation. Because it is not discussed like it should, too many go away with so much hurt and problems that are unexplained. Getting to the root. Some end up in more domestic violence, substance abuse, neglect of themselves, personal harm, and locked in the criminal justice system as an offender. I can say, none of that has happened to me. Why? What makes me so different that I would not be part of that? I can say, that it has effected me. In many ways, I do not want to get into an intimate relationship.  The cancer has a huge play in this. But, for the most part, I do not want to be in a relationship. I do not know how a man could accept someone like me with issues and scars. Would I create more troubles for this person? How would this change my life? I know that I have brought this up to someone else--she said, "you are not ready for that at this point".  Oh! no I am not!! This I know. So, let's move on to things just like that. To discuss many things and to discuss what I need to be working on. I hope that these discussions and postins will be beneficial to those who are working on the issues of their life. It matters not who you are; it matters what has been done to you. You did not ask for this. I did not ask for this. No matter who the person is. Let us move on to what we know we should be doing.

Pushing on. Pressing in. Knowing more.

Remembering, believing, and hoping

Always remembering. Ok. That is quite ok. What I am excited about is moving past the remembering parts and to look toward another aspect of the journey. Yesterday, I spoke with someone whose memories are far more wrenching than mine. I know another person whose memories are just the same. There are too many people out there whose lives have been changed by sexual violence.  Even more so, the cost that comes is quite crippling. There are few that press charges and there are few that care to discuss it. I can see just how much the stain of it all can last a lifetime. It really should not. Although the memories that I keep are less intimidating, I can see just how much it is very much so intimidating to others who are victims of the same montrous act. This should be. The day that sexual violence--all persons can be victims of sexual violence--is no more is a day when the LORD returns. There is no excuse for this type of violence; it creates so much harm and unleashes so much evil.

I know I have discussed it very much. What is there that has been unleashed? Well, I can certainly say that I am a little more open and vocal about things. My emotions have been rocky, for certain. But then again, that is menopause as well. Hot flashes galore!!! But, too, the emotions of what has been opened in me are there and I must recognize them and address them accordingly. Accordingly. What excuse do I have? I am adult who knows how to put myself through my own assessment. I must be able to work the situation out and to look for whatever behavior that may be offensive, grab it by the horns and then go from there. It is my responsibility to get that completed. It is my responsibility to examine myself and to find areas that could improve. I must improve them. How could I not?

Last Sunday was one of those days. I have been experiencing a lot of long days with my kiddo and have not been wanting to be bothered. I have noticed that I will be more aloof from others and to keep myself at a distance because of the issues that I must address. Just the same, V decided to come and talk with me and to give me a hug. Well, I certainly did not care to be encroached upon and decided to just step back. Amazing that some do not understand what is going on and continue to persue the issue. I ended up walking out to the parking lot and just wanted to get a breather and V continued with me.  I know that I have been very difficult this past year and things are very challenging at times.  I wish that others would just recognize matters as they are--tired, cranky, and other things. If I am moving around quickly, then that means that I am not able to sit comfortably. I am wrestling with things. But, needing to wear a bulletin? Ah, I know--sarcasm. I will be careful.

I am working on many things. I think about things a lot and seek an opportunity to be able to rest and relax. This year, I hope very much to be able to get that time to relax and put my feet up. I am looking forward to some outdoor time and getting some great pictures.  This would be great for my webpages and blogs.

Pushing on. Pressing in. Hunting on.

So much more than my feelings

I am very curious about the events of this past year and all. I have had many opportunities to write about my emotions and where I stand with some people. I am looking forward and looking backward from where I have come and where I am choosing to go. I am ready to move forward to more. I have been diligent toward this cause and I am willing to venture into more aspects of my personal care. Personal care. To say it means quite a bit. I am choosing to move forward outside of insecurity and to move toward days of strength and vitality. I am looking back at how much I have discussed things with PM and am not facing no more support. I had said a long time ago that he could not handle my share. I remember that he had said "you need to stop venting and you need to start sharing." I recall that I had emphatically said "you cannot handle my share". OH, sure, now he sees that he cannot handle my share. Certainly there are events that have transpired that has changed his daily walk. Sure, there are events that have occurred that has changed his perspective. Sure, I understand that daily activity will not be the same. I look back and I see that many aspects have changed.

When I look at the strength of my palliative care, I can see that much was lacking. I certainly hope that the aspect of palliative care can be redefined. The church does a very poor job about palliative care--not just ours, but the larger aspect of the church. I want to be able to help make a difference in that care. Sure, we cannot meet the needs of all, but we can sure make an effort to be outreach and care for the best of them.

I must say that I feel like I am losing something important. Perhaps it is time to allow this to go. But I have to say that I am very much so scared about not being able to discuss my thoughts and my feelings too. I have to look at what has happened this past year. This will not be difficult; this will be something that I can do. I must do it.

I know that I have discussed this many times; I suppose it will be discussed as many times as needed to feel comfortable with the loss. I know that I have shared so much and more is to be shared. For the most part, it feels as though I have shared the deepest of me and there cannot possibly be any more to share. There has been and there will be more to come. I want to feel comfortable with reaching in and digging for more.

In the meantime, I am feeling more comfortable with what I have shared. Knowing that many are out there readng my deepest thoughts is enough. I know. It will be ok; I know. I think about all of the other women out there that may not be as fortunate as I regarding people to talk to and to discuss things with. I look forward to a place in the church where there is a healing and recovery services for women like myself. I know that children will need the same services.

For the most part, I am doing much better than what I have been doing. But, I will be insisting upon many more things to come. For the purpose of continuity of care, I want to continue to share, but not at the extent of creating more harm than good. I want to be able to resist the desire to share. It would be pointless to want to share. I realize that sharing with PM would create more harm than good. It is quite interesting that when I was told to "share" I wanted to resist. Now, I have no choice. When asked, I do not want to share. I want to protect from any harm that could occur. This hurts quite a bit because the issues that I had to deal with, between the sexual assault and the cancer, was too much for PM to bear. How intersting it is that I must be very careful to not cause any more harm to him. When I had asked if "I had injured him", he had said "No", but with hesitancy to his voice. I knew then that what I had shared had been too much for him to handle. He has been hurt at the aspect of the pain that I have had to endure regarding this entire matter. Now, what he does not know will not hurt him or injure him. I must be certain not to share or place myself in the position of sharing. I know that when we share imporant feelings, we must be careful about the hearer. We must be responsible to share carefully. I believe that I have. I still look forward to muchmore to come.

Pushing on. Pressing in. Moving beyond.

This is what it is all about

I realize that what I have been working on is something that is very serious and difficult to discuss. I will always be willing to discuss and to move forward with it. I am not afraid or unwilling to continue. I have always said that I am willing and able to work on this. I am dismayed at some things and must say it. I have high expectations and am willing to express just how much these expectations do impact me. I do expect that others should know what to do and are willing to stand up and do the right thing. Certainly, we have heard of passer-bys that have watched people getting beaten or robbed and have not done anything to prevent or stop the assault from happening. This is not what we should be doing. I do have the expectation that if someone knows you are having a difficult time to be able to get up and assist. But! What are we supposed to do for teaching others to help out. We really do need someone to teach us to be human. I want to teach people how to be compassionate and to understand the human responsibility of what to do.

I am looking back at all the long days that I have had. Yes, there are many things that persist. I was at work today and felt very uncomfortable about a situation. No, no one knows about this situation. You are the first to understand and to read about my situation. Today, while at work, I had to go to another part of a client's home--the garage. I hate this part of the building because it is so cluttered and messy, but very enclosed. The worst thoughts entered my mind and I had a great difficulty in wanting to stay in the room. But, I do recognize that it is an unfounded fear and I will not be subject to such things that would prevent me from being able to complete my job sucessfully or completely. I did linger a little bit and was not going to be stymied about it. I am determined to not have these feelings become so overwhelming that I am not able to complete my tasks. I am bull-headed and stubborn to complete what I have set my mind to do.

I have been willing to look at things much deeper. As I have said, I have access to a room that I have not had for some time. I am looking into a room that has not been lit up well. I can see my baggage and garbage and it is not good. I can see cobwebs and the sort and it is not ok. I do not want to be complacent or to be unwilling to change. I am looking at the garbage bags and want to have them moved and removed from where they are. I realize that I do not need to have a label for each and every one of them. I do realize that I do want to understand that I can have them gone permanently. So, what are they? Could it be possible it is just more aspects of fear? Perhaps. Perhaps it is more. Unforgiveness? Wrongs? Past hurts? Possible and more.

What has this assault done to me? I have seen many years go by and see how the events in my life are impacted by the way that my life has been neglected. Yes, I can say neglected. I have been more diligent to work on the personal issues of my life. Is this easy? No. By any means, NO!! So, this does mean that I have been working on the things that have been making me a challenge. For example, what am I compulsive about? Am I compulsive? I may have another aspect about this, but to look at things with the ability to identify and to overcome. I am an overcomer and I will be able to look at the issues of my life and find the correlants. I am willing and able. I must also be very careful to not be too hard on myself in the process. Physician, heal thyself? Hmmmm

Pushing on. Pressing in. Digging on.

A new day is dawning

I wanted to take this opportunity and to comment about what has been going on. This is the beginning of a new year and to look back at what has been going on is so important. This time last year, I was really struggling with being touched and being around a lot of people at one time. This is still some of my issues today, but not as intense. I am looking back at what I used to be and finding out that this is not the same. I am curious--is this because I am less afraid or that others know what I have been through to be able to get beyond what I have had to contend with. I am not sure and I hope that my paradigm will change and continue to be healthy and beneficial to myself and others.

What I have noticed is that the emotions that I have battled are not as rigorous as they used to be. Certainly, chemo had a huge amount of responsibility, but not all of it. I can look back and see that the things that haunted me were very deep and that I needed to take the time to address it and to move along. I have done more than just "move along". I have addressed them and battled each and every one of them. I have addressed the fear of being touched. Yes, this still is an underlying issue for me but it is not something that will cause panic in the mix. I am leary about being touched to some degree, but it does not cause fear and unrest like it did before.

I have addressed the whole aspect of fear. One of the most incidious emotions that a person can leave with is fear. Fear of being told something that you don't want to hear. Fear of someone knowing the darkest things about a person. Fear about entering places that you may not want to go. Fear of the proverbial unknown. I have really addressed these matters. I hate having to look back and see just how much fear that I had existing inside of me; but, the best thing to say is that the fear does not hold me back as it used to. Do I have more inside of me? Yes, I do. I have so many more insecurities that I will be attacking this year and looking forward to overcoming them as well.

I have overcome a huge deal of enclosed spaces. I hate it very much but I am less afraid of it now. I can move around a little bit more. I am very curious if chemo just creates a mess that is not normally there? Just the same, I can feel more comfortable with some circumstances and places. I have been able to use more of my "tools" and have been able to look less compromised. I have to use more self-talk and am looking forward to moving beyond this as a concern.

I do have to say that I am still a little leary about being touched too much. I do guard my back still and am not looking forward to someone wanting to just give me that warm "touch on the shoulder". I am very careful about the new friends at the church not understanding the difficulties that I have had this past year or so. I don't want anyone to share that bit of news with them. It has been a long and difficult trek and I am glad that things are coming along nicely. But, I must say, I feel at times that the whole ordeal could easily be brought back up again if easily compromised. I really do not want to feel compromised. I am glad that PM understands a little more. I am glad that many understand more. What others think really does matter to me. I know that we tell others not to worry about what others might say. For the most part, I hold others' esteem valuable. What I mean by that, is what people that I know that are able to speak into my life. Just the average "Joe Blow"? No. I really do not care about that. But, I do have cares about what I am to be. I am looking forward and not all that behind. I am looking forward to what more I can change and what more I can be.

On a humorous note, PM says that I need to move forward in the pews and slowly move forward to the front. I have existed in the back pews for years and have never really cared to be part of the up-front. I have hidden in the back to do homework or to read or to be distracted from what the sermon was being preached. For years, I did not like the preaching because it was watered down and I could easily get a stronger message at BHW. Ok. That has changed and so now? What? We are going to see, aren't we. And? I was told that I might look good in a dress for Sunday. Hmmmmmm. I have not worn a dress for a long time. But, with my hair growing back and things looking very "butch", I am not sure how I want to venture out with that. I am looking forward to wearing one of my dresses. I think that I would like that. But, I have warn pants and my boots for a long time; I am very comfortable with that. We shall see.

Looking. Pushing. Pressing.