Working

The beginning of the week has been set for me. I have started this day out with a bang--very tired and ready to go. Today, I have been preparing for this week. I could feel some emotions coming up and while I was mingling at church, these feelings came. Although I have not had any meltdowns for weeks, I have felt bottled up. I have been concentrating on the things of the kiddo and trying to focus my energy on taking care of those issues. This is exhausting.

I have been wrestling though. What has been bubbling to the surface again is hatred and bitterness. I realize that there will be many long days ahead that I will be working on these emotions and this will not be the last. For the most part, these emotions have not been overtaking me and they will not. I have been very good to keep a very close reign on myself and to recognize when I want to blow my stack. Again, I have not had a meltdown for several weeks and a "nuclear explosion" for just a bit longer. I feel that some things are getting easier to recognize and that my resolution and my control are getting just that much better. However, I am realizing that with such restraint, will come a release. I am working on better recognizing that release. I want to be able to find a great avenue to be able to release it without it becoming a problem for someone else. I am feeling very aggressive and am enjoying the feeling. But, looking around at others, I cannot find that outlet that I need or want. I am wondering very much.

I know, too, that with this kind of anger and resentment is coming some fear again. For some time, I have been very cautious about anyone coming behind me. These insecurities are very difficult to work with some times. I have been experiencing feelings of great overwhelm and need to keep walking around to remain focused. Too many people at one time is enough. But, too, I am feeling odd. I need to keep my feelings at a tight reign because I do not want to be venting or sharing anything any time soon. It has been enough for people to have been looking at me strangely because of the cancer, I do not want anyone looking at me strangely period. With the chemo nearly complete, radiation will start soon and this will really engage my emotions. I do not think that I can withstand going through the feelings of this and radiation. This will really trigger my rape trauma. I do have to say that I am worried and this has me a little upset and anxious. And this is not even about people looking at me strangely; rather, it is about people just not being there. That is what really has been eating away at me. There is a lot eating away at me. There is just so much going on right now that I could just take a long vacation and not want to come back; but, I know that running away is not the answer. These feelings are just so much and I do not want to visit any of them.

I have to remind myself that I should not be anxious about anything. I have to remind myself again and again that it will be ok. I have to encourage myself that it is ok to feel my feelings and to experience what I am experiencing. I hope that I can keep these feelings locked away for a little bit longer. I hope to get through these last couple of chemos and then I will be free for a little bit. When it is time for radiation, I hope that I will be able to keep this away from many and it will be just a matter of passe for them. I do not want anyone to know what is going on. This will take more out of me to keep things silent than to tell everyone. I cannot handle the lack of communication from people. If I have to keep things quiet and away, I will do so.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Working on.

Another moment in time

I have to say that today was very good. I got to see T at church and it was good to see him. I am reminded and reassured that the things that I have been working with are not dross. I am reminded that the radiation that I will be receiving in the next several months will not be so bad; however, I am very concerned just the same. This is going to be a different kind of journey altogether. I will not be hooked up to an infusion, rather be "zapped" with radiation. This is going to be potentially difficult.

Too, it was good to see T because he understands the flashbacks. I have been experiencing these for several weeks now consistently and it is driving me nuts. For nearly two months, I have been experiencing dreams, nightmares and flashbacks that have haunted me. In the same aspect, when I wake up from them, the LORD has given me music to hold me. I am very blessed on that regard. I have to use my SOS as well. My anxiety has been challenged and I need to rely upon the LORD for that SOS.

So far so good, though. When I got to church, I was expecting so much. When I was there, it was good to be able to absorb things slowly. My kiddo's boyfriend was not there to distract her and so she was very attached to me for the entire service. This was good. I did not have many come up to me and try to hug me or do anything else. I wanted to sprint on many occasions; however, I was good and did not. I walked quite a bit to keep from looking like I wanted to be still a lot. However, this was inside and I did not want my kiddo to be worried. It was very hard to sit still. I am working hard on this.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Timing on?

And what is next

I have been working today to get many things done. Considering that I have little to not help with chores, I am the only person to get things done. I am happy today that I was the only one doing that. I have been battling flashbacks today and it has been quite a bit to keep me focused on what chores I have needed to be gotten done. After I got home, I was able to take a nap and get some sleep from the long week. Just the same, I am preparing for church. I have been comfortable with my personal zone and am not looking forward to having many approach when they have no idea what I am going through. Last weekend, I was so tired that I was not able to make service. I love going to church. But, I have to say that I am very happy to say that my comfort zone was not impeached. This week, I am very concerned.

I have been experiencing fear today. I am uncertain about what to expect and what there is to be experienced. I have been rehearsing in my mind what will happen when I arrive at the church and who will want to touch and get close. I am only working so much to get things done; I am not sure how much I will be able to withstand. I know that I will not be able to handle much and I do not want to get into a panic/anxiety attack. I have been experiencing these this week with anticipation that I will be trapped in with a lot of people. I know that there is a certain amount of anxiety and panic from not wanting to be exposed to people that might make me sick. This is tough for me.

I am looking forward to some more conversations as well. I need to get some things ironed out. There is a lot going on and I am afraid that if anyone asks me how things are, I will be having a meltdown. When I spoke with G today, he was good to relieve me of some emotion. But, there are some that will really compromise me and I will need to take control of the conversation before I loose it. I have not had a melt-down in several weeks and I am not looking forward to one tomorrow. I am going to focus on not having a meltdown, but if I do, I am going to be needing to keep it private and away. I do not want anyone to know. This will make things more difficult.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Hoping on.

Walking slowly

Today has been a day that I have had to force myself to keep busy. I have found myself in tears from being too tired. Although my self-talk is positive and encouraging, I do not feel that way. I know that what I feel has little bearing on what I actually feel; however, I am very tired. I have battled all week with flashbacks and got very little sleep last night from these. Too, my hot flashes have not helped and I have worked diligently to stay comfortable. One thing that I have have been very successful to do is to remain positive and focused. My exhaustion level is very consistent and I cannot say how much I would love to be able to get some quality sleep.

I have felt a lot of emotion stirring up that I have been wrestling with--anger and bitterness. I have discussed this before and will be discussing it more. I have realized that these feelings are quite comparative and my perceptions are skewed. I have been feeling quite angry that I am not entirely a whole person; rather, I am a stained person that will not see things the same again for some time. I know that many other women around me must be experiencing the same thing with respect to their assault and violation. Today, I have felt very aware of these things. As I have been working on overcoming the feeling of being touched, I am aware that these feelings are those that I must take control over. I am becoming more choosy about which stores to frequent and to which tellers to stay with. I choose them intently. I am aware that I have a "zone" and I am very comfortable to remain in that. I am too tired to be working on getting out of it and choose to remain where I am for the time being. I am comfortable with this area. I am becoming more aware that I am becoming more sensitive to things. I know that I still am feeling that I do not want to be touched. This is becoming a certainty more and more. I am choosy as to who may touch me and when. However, when I am touched, I am wiped and keeping my resolve is very important.

This anger and resentment that I am struggling with has been tiring me. I do not want to be rude or obnoxious; however, there are some events that I have to address that have been making me release this energy. I have been very much so welcoming the energy from it. However, I am very tired.

I have been confessing as well that the LORD has my heart. I am also trying not to worry about my emotions so much because HE is my heart. I know that I can relax in HIM. Experiencing the feelings of not being touched is quite ok for this time.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Feeling on.

And uncertainty remains

I was reading a journal article today for school and the first thing that the article stated was that "rape is a horrifying experience". Yes, it is. What it leaves behind is trauma that many do not understand. I was reminded about many emotions today as I had to work through the day and some personal chores. I feel uncertain about some things. What I know is that my days are long and involved. I know that these emotions are playing havoc with my heart and I am getting aware of just how much it is causing. I am finding myself more alert to some things going on around me and there are other things that I just feel that I will tackle for another day. My flashbacks are staying pretty much the same and that is ok. Understanding them is the biggest battle.

In this 2002 article, it was stated that nearly 500,000 rapes and sexual assaults are reported by women yearly. This is staggering. Yet there is little mention of people like me that will not report the rape for lack of evidence or it being a date rape. This article continues to go on about how rape trauma can be worked through. As I have looked through it, I can see just what I have been doing all these years and that it has been what I have been supposed to be doing all this time.

I especially have been very intrigued about how it is suggested that the survivor move toward exposure. I have been doing this for years and have been pushing myself to circumstances and to move toward "getting beyond" this all. The days where events or places are so difficult that I could cry have come. There are times when going into certain buildings does not bother me; however, the prospect of going to certain offices bothers me significantly. Sometimes the smell of things can trigger some uncomfortable feelings that I did not care to have. Yet, I press on. Real-life situations can be hard at times; but, not all the time. There are certain circumstances that I choose not to engage in.

As I continue to learn more about what vexes me, I am very pleased that there is a lot of information for me to read. I am excited.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Learning more.

Looking upon things

For the most part, this week has been moving along like I have expected. I have had sleepless nights from hot flashes and my "head days" are doing ok. I have had some flashbacks, but I have been very diligent to have excellent self-discussion. I have been experiencing some loneliness and some general insecurities that I usually experience after chemo. But this week, I have been a little dry; I was not able to make it to church and to get to see other people. In the same aspect, I have been very grateful that I have not been able to see many too. I do not like having to show my complete range of emotions in front of others when my trust does not seem to be evident. Trusting others with my emotional display is very trying. I do not care to explain my thoughts to many if any. Today, I was told that I was "coming out of my shell". Whatever that may mean. I have never thought that I was in a shell; rather that I have been very good to keep my personal issues from others. I stand my ground with that. I do not care to have many know the personal things that are very challenging. But, then again, when I think about the personal issues that vex me, I need to have a good balance as to what can be shared and with whom. Trust is always at the gates and that will always be a decidant factor.

I feel that there is a time coming again that my "shell" will be fortified again. I feel that I have been far too emotional and I do not know what to do with all of this emotion. I know that the chemo has a great amount to contribute to my emotional roller-coaster and from that point, I am working hard to keep my center and focus. These emotions that I have been experiencing have been unsteady and cannot be trusted. No matter what, I do realize that things are going to be ok and that I am experiencing normal emotions. I am very excited as well that what I have been understanding about my emotions is a great journey. I know what to expect and I know how to address them.

One aspect that I did not expect to kick in was that I do not care to have anyone walk behind me. I am more aware of my "rear flanks". I really am feeling quite walled in when I have some people walk behind me. I am also careful about doors being open and an escape route if necessary. I am still working through the idea of this "face-to-face" and that has been stirring me up quite a bit. I have been working a lot of self-talk about it and it is not helping. But! My SOS is kicking in and this has been helping me out quite a bit. I am looking forward to putting this into action. I am curious....

I know that as I walk around and maneuver myself among others, I am still very aware of my comfort zone. I still do not want to be touched by many and I still do not care to be placed in a situation that I might need to just take off. What my anxieties are with respect to this are many. I am working diligently to be more comfortable with others; however, I am still very aware that this will be a very exhausting event. I am trying very hard; however, it seems that certain days make no difference at all. The mere anticipation of something very compromising can be enough.

Pressing on. Pushing on. Putting on.

And the beat goes on

After a long weekend of a lack of energy, I have been wrestling with very little. I am very thankful. Although I have been having to be picky about what to watch on TV, I am very tired. I can say that my anxieties have been low but my emotions have been rocky just the same. I have not had to deal with a lot of flashbacks this weekend. I was concerned that things might be getting stirred up; however, I did not go to church today because of the lack of energy. Some days are harder than others; yet, more enjoyable. I have had to wake up and reassure myself of some things. I must remember that when these flashbacks come, I must remind myself of many thoughts--this is not what it is and I am well and safe. Sometimes, the energy that I must use for all of this is more than I would like to bargain for. Just the same, it is possible to overcome.

With respect to other emotions, I am finding that I am at some peace; just the same, this weekend has been with little interaction and demand. I am thankful that there have been little demands on me this weekend; I will be able to be rested up for the week and to get things prioritized. I have to say that I really am beginning to feel like a freakazoid--things are just so rocky and I wonder how I am perceived. Some days I wonder. Ah! Sitting and wondering--can be a lot of fun.

Pressing on. Pushing on. Wondering on.