Knock, knock, who'se there?

Back again. There have been a lot of events that have happened this past couple of weeks since I have last made any entry. Seems more like "Enter the Dragon" than anything else. Knock, knock. Seems like I have needed permission to enter on some matters of the heart. Matters of the heart...the matters that concern the home as well as what has been going on within the home. I am facing some very busy days and I am looking foward to seeing them all come and go quickly. One constant matter is the concern of my own insecurity. I realize that many people do not seem to want to go that deep into their own private matters to seek and know their own inner troubles. I am unique in this matter. I am not afraid to handle what I need to do to get things done. I suppose that I have always been that way. I am not afraid to discuss what matters are true and deep to me. It is and has always been a matter of finding that right person to discuss it with. I wish that this had been here a long, long time ago. But, today, it is here and I get to discuss these matter and look forward to moving on. I supposed, it is quite enjoyable to say that I have a "clean house" and to know that what bothered me before does not so now.

In the meantime, my own insecurities are here once again. Seems that I am always discussing with myself that I have not made such a mess of things that they are not irrepairable. Yes, the matters of the heart are always repairable. I am one of those persons that does believe that things of the heart can and will always be able to be repaired. I do not believe in throwaway persons. Sure, there are so many different types of persons out there and the troubles may run deeper than others. But, for the moment, I am looking at the person in the mirror. Who do I say that I am? I say that I am healing and much better and not the worse for wear. I am not trying to create matters that are not there; I recognize that some matters have been placed on the back burner for some time and just need to get heated again to determine what the overall health is.

One particular is my issue of hate and anger. Although strong companions, they are interlinked and are designed to feed from each other. What is it that I allow them to surface to be able to have say about what is going on? I do know what matters to me. I feel passionately and understand many deep matters. I have an opinion on many current and past issues and I am not afraid to vocalize my concerns. I have an opinion and for much, can validate my position with fact and not fiction. I am not trying to say that I am bold and baligerant with resepct to my position; no, as a matter of fact, I am confident about my position. Try that I might, I seek opportunites to discuss my position, nearly to the ground. For some matters, my position can be discussed to the point of overdoing it. For some matters, I cannot push forward until I am thoroughly convinced that I am understood and validated. I suppose to a point of trouble.

Again, one annoying matter that I have been addressing is the aspect of others' ability, or lack thereof, for "reaching out". It bothers me to no end and I am really aggravated at this matter. Why I cannot leave it alone is beyond me; I have continuing matters going on and I am more able to mentally address these things. But, really, why am I so angry? I suppose for the events that I have had little say over that have impacted me so deeply, are at the core of my concerns. Just writing this, I am having a great difficulty in avoiding the term "issues". I really hate that word. It just seems to me to be an understatement for something that could easily be readdressed. For the things that have impacted me deeply, I become very angry about. I do understand that. These things persist and there does not appear to be any resolution. I am looking forward to resolution. I realize that I must be the bigger person and address the matters of resolution. This is the point of this blog. Resolution. I must seek it; hunt it out; wrestle with it; invite it; knock-knock. I must seek resolution. I am seeking resolution.

The day is coming when I will be able to put some matters asside and look to what I do know and understand as resolved. I look forward to no more troubles of the heart. I have more procedures coming up. I am looking at an endometrial biopsy and that does not appeal to me. I realize that the examination is looming and I am uncomfortable with the procedure. But, most importantly, I am uncomfortable with the aspec of being open. I am not looking to create matters that are not there; I merely want to recognize that these difficulties exist and I must be aware of them. When I am aware of them, I know that they have a label and a face and they are not unseen enemies. I can prepare for them and know that it is just for a small time of discomfort. I have to take that time to understand what plagues me. I must be willing to face what is there.

I am willing.

Pushing. Pressing. Knocking.

Today I did it ... I shared more

I do have to say that today was one of the most illustrious days that I have had in a very long time. I was courageous and shared again. I had told PD about my rape. Yea, to say that makes me really feel an emotional twist in my gut. He had taken me to lunch and he had said, so "tell me your story". Ok. That was a different way of putting it--"my story". Well, uh, it goes like this ... sure. Like I want to just reminisce. But, I did. I did open up and share. But, this is going to be a little more on the adult side of the blogs. We did discuss the forceable oral ... what do I call it? In this conversation, I was careful to not go some places. But, PD had pressed and drew out the conversation. I have to say that it was not the easiest conversation. But, quite necessary. It is getting easier to discuss this.

It as asked. When thsi aspect of the "relationship" was there, was there ever any function of me being the recipient of the oral sex? And to think about it, that was the aspect of the victimology--it was always about him. Certainly, did I ever want him to really offer that to me? NO! Not that mutual sexual experiences aren't satisfying, but that speaks volumes about the nature of the abuser. It is all about them. It is about their gratification. It is about them and only them. And for this person, the inability to perform sexually was the central issue. Despite the multiple times that I had said no, it always ended up in the same way. If I were to get out of the vehicle (which was where this always happend), I had to perform. How uncomfortable to discuss this; but, like I did say. This is very important to discuss. When I looked at him to discuss this, there was something that I was looking for. I am not sure that I had found it; I know that it was not as difficult. It was not easy; do not misunerstand me. It was very diffcult. But, the impact of what was said was not like it was when I had allowed PM to read my blog at the very beginning. This blog, for the most part, has served a very good purpose. I have discussed many things. But, details have been vagued. Today, these details are more defined and less vague. I would like the reader to understand what the importance of all of this to be. There are many of us out there with many sorts of issues and we all need you to be there to lend that ear or hand. We all are responsible for taking care of each other. Do take care.

I was asked many things. I was vague and then the questions were asked. Was there sex in the relationship? A couple of few times. But, that was not consistently. I had grown to be very ashamed at the prospects of having sex with him. Then later, things became more violent and more compromised. As I have said toward the beginning of this blog, he was becoming impotent. So, his need to be sexually active was growing. Patience was not an ability that was exercised. Restraint was something not addressed. Need was the main component. There was an unmet need and so he took every opportunity to get what he wanted. The relationship was never about reciprocating emotion. It was never about reciprocating comfort. It was solely about taking what was wanted by any means necessary. That is the center of violence and of rape/assault. It is not just assault. It is the violation of someone else's will. That was what had happened. There was no respect or perception of taking into consideration that the one that you are with was to be protected and cherished. The relationship was not healthy. For certain. When respect is gone, then there is an open season on violence. It mattered little to him. All that was wanted was what could be done for him and to him.

There is nothing worse than having to sit there and feel like you need to just perform. When PD asked, it was very diffuclt to express. But, I am available to answer the questions. I knew that the questions were to be asked and then from there to be ansswered. It is different when I use the word "rape". It is another matter when someone else uses the word. It is as though it really confirms that this horrible act really did exist and it is really the nightmare.

Certainly, there were aspects of the conversation that did not happen. I am glad that I did not have to explain how things were considered to be "forceable". Plain and simple. My head was held down. Today, I do not care for anyone to touch my head. I prefer if someone is to ask if I can be touched. When I am being prayed over, I prefer to be asked if they can touch me. That is appropriate for any person; but, for me, it is quite necessary. Too, I want to emphasize that I am not looking to continue this behavior; I am merely learned to identify it and to work through it as gingerly as possible for long lasting changes. Some things must be taken care of slowly and with caution. I have read that some of these behavior are life-long and seldom change. But, I disagree. I have also read that some outcomes of rape are sexual permiscuity, alcoholism, and other substance abuse. I have never engaged in that. For whatever reason why, it is uncertain. Is it my faith? I would like to think so. Is it my very will and the fact that I do not have an addictive personality disorder? Perhaps. But, I know that I have not had to include substance abuse to the mix from this horrible deed.

I have to say that I have gone into a realm that I am not familiar with. I have shared something with someone that I have not been certain to share with. I was very careful about the audience and I was proven that I had a listening and compassionate ear. I was not all that prepared for the personality in PD that would press in to ask such questions. No harm no foul? I am not sure that I could ask that and amply respond favorably. I do believe that no foul occurred. No harm? Now, I am worried about the fallout. How will I be perceived after this bit of information? How will I be treated now that this is known? I hope with nothing changed.

This has been a very mature conversation. This is something that is not easily shared, but needful. We out to think about how we treat one another. We should not be engaged in relationships that are harmful or possibly threatening. This is for both men and women. When I was askd if this was a mutual thing--if I had had oral sex upon me, I was shocked. Think about the manner of lead in the relationship. Think about how balanced the relationship is. I know that I was ashamed. I know that my guilt runs deep. I know that my anger towards myself has been a lasting and long standing issue. But, I know that my GOD is good and that I have really overcome quite a bit.

It is time to keep moving foward and know what is behind and what continues to lay behind.

Pressing forward. Looking beyond. Remembering what is.

Posting a position

I have been thinking quite a bit here lately. That is a good thing. I was thinking of my insecurities and how I feel I am handling them. How am I handling them? Well, I have been compensating as I usually do. I am looking forward to getting my bubble challenged so I can test the waters again. Yes, I am a nut. I want to be challenged. I want to get to a point where I do not feel as awkward and so separate from others.

What am I feeling insecure about? Yes, the touching matter is something. I have not been to church in several weeks. I have been working and very tired so I have not been able to get out there. I have been so concerned that I am so awkward that I have been keeping away from people. With all the things going on in my home, I have been very careful not to be getting into the way of others. I do not want to be rude or ignorant in my ways. I have been so blunt and my hurt and pain is very real and I do not want anyone asking me about what is going on in the home. So, I have been keeping my distance. I am noticing that I am enjoying my distance and I need to be very careful to not be too far away. This comfort is good for a time, but I have to be careful about it lasting too long. I like my distance, but too much is not healthy. Then, I worry. I worry about doing the wrong thing.  There are times that worry can be overwhelming; so, I find a focal point and press in from there. I have worried about so many things of this past year or so. I worry about what others have thought of me; but, most importantly, always doing the wrong thing. So, I pull away before someone can say anything to me. But, I do find that focal point.

Distance has always been an issue for me. I like my distance. I like to keep a strong and healthy distance from others when I am feeling a little on the edge. Simply put, I like to keep a certain distance when I am grumpy and full of all kinds of emotion. Not many do understand where I am coming from and so I am very careful about not pressing it too much with some people. But, distance also lets others know that I am not doing ok. Distance allows others to know that I do need some help. Strange that it might sound; I like others to know how awkward that I do feel and how important it is to have someone just draw near. This is the internal battle that happens. It is not easy to overcome, but it does occur. I do overcome.

Touching is always a certain aspect of angst for me. I know that I will have this issue for some time. This is something that I cannot push to get cleared. This is an emotion that must be respected. There is much wrapped up in this. There is anxiety and some panic. I do recognize that. I would have to be a fool to not recognize this. I have worked very intently to recognize this within myself. I have looked enough. And, I have equally come to the conclusion that a reasonable amount of progress has been made to see that all is well in this area. It is tough. It gets tougher some days because of the challenges that do occur. Yes, I have challenges and it will get better. They have been improving. It is not all lost.

On another time, I will be discussing the anatomy of a hug. I have been saying this but I will be putting my thoughts together and placing them down. In order for me to do that, I must be examining the whole aspect of what it means to get close and to experience the aspect of human touch. It can be done. It will be done.

Looking forward. Seeking within. Touching.

Just a little bit more

I always say, "I am reminded". I suppose that it is a great way of an introducation. I would like to say "I am reminded". Some things that I am reminded of are not always the most interesting or exciting. Some memories are just all that much more intoxicating. I have been taking the opportunity to share and educate one of my pastors regarding my assault/rape. To say it myself is not as harmful but when I hear someone else say it makes it all that much more brutal. I can say that I am more comfortable about saying it and hearing it. The aspect of the assualt has become easier to discuss. I am glad.

This upcoming week, I plan on discussing this with the associate pastor of my church. Why? Because they should know how to take care of people like myself. I have been a very intensive person for care during this time. So many have tried to talk to me and with an incredible response. With this in mind, it is very cetain that palliative care be an issue. Taking the time to chat with my pastor about the assault will be both needed and necessary. It is good that he has decided to want to listen. What is very kool is that he feels that it is good that I do share. I have told him that it has become much easier to share and that it is quite necessary to share. This is part of the healing process that does not allow me to be captivated by a dirty secret of my past. Rape is difficult to discuss. It is not only a violation of of the individual, but a crime against a person in the most arcane way. The abusers are equally important to be concerned about. These people have, for some reason, lost their ability to restrain themselves. Their violent nature has been created and fostered to grow through so many life experiences. For my abuser, I believe, was triggered through growing concerns of impotency. A previous girlfriend had become pregnant with his child and she had aborted the pregnancy. Since then, the rage and anger was unchecked and he needed to be able to move on to some healing. Instead, his behavior grew and created more victims. Sure, I do understand that this was not the only situation that had arisen to create the rage. It was a catalyst. These catalysts must not be overlooked. Did I understand this before? No. Was this rape my fault? No. Unfortunately, it was something that happened. Now, it is my choice. I must seek my own mental health or choose to hide and allow this to overcome me. As  you can see, I have chosen for it not to consume or overtake me. With incredible cost, I chose to share and to educate people about what happens to us. Unfortunately, my sharing comes through the battle of cancer. I had never imagined that I would be sharing all of this because of my cancer. But, here I am. I am priveledged to be able to share this with anyone who will read this. These words do not come easy, but they do come for the benefit of others.

I am confident about many things right now; one thing, for certain, is that no matter what the day is, I will not give up. I will continue to press forward and press in with respect to wellness. I suppose that many might be confused about this. Can a person regain their thoughts and self-concept after all of this? Yes. I am living proof that it is possible. I choose to move forward. I have the choice about running and hiding. While these things have been going on, I have wanted to hide. I have wanted to be left alone. There are days, yet, that I would like to just abandon all within me and to hide. But, that is only a temporary thought and I am working to move forward and to press in once again. I continue. If I can, you can too. It is possible to get that success. See you there.

Pressing in. Pushing forward. There again.

Not just coping

I have to say that I am learning more and more all the time. As I have been looking through my previous blogs, I have been stating that I will be learning more about the anatomy of manay things--a touch, a hug, fear, anxiety and etc. Yes, I am going to be continuing to do so. I am giong to be working on the anatomy of a hug and post it in the blog for everyone. I spoke with PD and he is very pleased to hear that I have been working on the anatomy of a hug. It really is something very awesome when I can look back and see just how far I have come; yet, there is so much more to go. I am excited. I supposed that "excited" is an interesting word to use when it comes to examining the things that haunt me. What tries to control me cannot be exciting; but, I choose to look at this as a positive thing that is not going to destroy me. It is going to be the best thing for me. One aspect of continuing in counseling is meant to be something that brings me to a point where I can make that decision to do one thing or another--I can jump off the precipice or turn around and go back. Well, I am not turning around and running back. I cannot. I am not going to be doing anything else other than jumping off and getting ready to journey into something that is going to challenge me. I do not want to be afraid. I do not want to run away. I want to stand and face my foe. That foe is fear, anxiety and insecurity. I do not want to be that person. I have not been that person for a long, long time. I realize that I have been captive in this for a long time and not realized what has been going on. I am not going to be that person any more. I feel very good in my skin these days. I know that at any time, these things can be stirred up and from that point, a more difficult day. I have been reading about flashbacks and the like. Very strange, but flashbacks are quite normal. It is proposed that the brain is trying to work out the issues and are bringing up the dreams/nightmares to help normalize the trauma. It is proposed that it is the brain's way of healing itself. This is good news! I do not look forward to having this for the rest of my life; however, I am prepared to be able to deal with them in the duration. NO matter what, fear can be healthy and is quite ok. But, fear shall not overtake me. Not like it has happened in the past.

What I am looking forward to is reading a book that I had found. This is going to be a very difficult book to read; but, it is going to be necessary. Resurrection after rape: A guide to transforming from victim to survivor. Written by Matt Atkinson and with contributions from many survivors. There are many awesome contributions in this book. I am looking forward.

I am going to be working things. One thing in particular, is getting the anatomy completed. As I continue to deal with the ideal of my own self-worth and value, I will be pressing forward. Sometimes, as I have noticed, is how I have vocalized my own self-value. I do not say it loudly because there are times that I have not felt it. I do not care for an argument from others with respect to what I see as my own self-actualization. Some things are meant to be wrestled quietly. Some things are meant to be vocalized loudly. Some things are meant to be observed in whatever means possible. As I look at who I am in the eyes of others, I am learning to read their thoughts. I am learning. I am eager to understand more. I realize that the need to be validated is a concern. I am working on that perception.

Looking forward. Pressing on. Looking inward.

Time is no better than this

I know. I must be able to say that I have all the time in the world. I really do not. I have this time and this is the best time. I have been thinking about so much (how can I not) and looking at a new book that I had purchased. It is a great time to look at the time that I have and do not have. I remember what has been said to me "I am proud of you for working so hard on your things". I will never forget that and will be sure to keep this buried deep inside of my heart. That means a lot to me. And, so, I must never stop seeking after what is important. Not because of "I am proud of you" but that it is important regardless.

I purchased a book on the subject of recovering after rape. Sure, it is good to continue to seek more personal information; but, it is equally important to not diminish what had happened. Recovery is where I have been for some time and it is good that I can recognize it for what it is. I had read in the book, too, that flashbacks are just the brain's way of saying that it is time to address the issue of the rape. I have been dealing with this for years and I never did equate it with the "time" issue. It is good time to address these things. This is the time to look at them at to not be afraid. It was also mentioned that it was good to write them down and discuss them so that they are discussed through. I know that I do not want to discuss the complete details here, but I will be discussing them as well. I know that I have talked about many things, but it is important to know how to go beyond. I am in the threshold. I am in the room. I am looking at all the garbage bags. Why is it that we always keep things that we need not to? For some reason, we have to collect bad memories and not forgive. Certainly, there are many reasons to hold onto something--it matches my anger; it matches my hate; it matches the "outfit" that I am wearing. Ok? What outfit am I wearing? Is it flattering to be looking the way that I am? Is it flattering to look the way that I feel? Is it flattering to say the things that I am saying?

Yes, my personal accountability. What is my personal accountability? And to whom do I have it? Why is it that I feel that I have an accountability to act the way that I do? In the book, it says that some may self-medicate from the flashbacks and the difficult dreams and feeling and thoughts. The accountability that is present to change or to do something. I have not self-medicated from these. However, I can understand why someone would. But, I can honestly say that I would not. However, I know that my silence in difficult times can be enough. I choose to be quiet and still and watch my words carefully and wistfully. I choose to be silent and not spill my thoughts out all at one time.

I have accountability. I choose to have accountability.

Looking. Listening. Learning.

Tenacity ... is there anything else?

I suppose that anyone who knows me can say that I am, at best, very tenacious. Yes, is there anything else? I must say, no. I am tenacious. I have to be tenacious. If I were not, then I believe that my outcomes would not be the same. If I want to attain the goal of wellness, I must be tenacious. This is for my betterment and not for my destruction. However, when I seek for the higher goal, I must be willing to make the trek. I am and will be doing so.

Over the past couple of years, since my diagnosis, I have been working diligently to get to the "spot". I have been working to get into the "door" and am at the threshold. I am glad that I have been focused on this goal and beleive that I have been there many times. What has happened to make things renewed for me to be in this place? I was told something at church. I have seen this before. It was PM who would work for me to hear "I love you". Now, it is PD to say that I am "pretty". Ok. Now I know that I have got to look at myself in a different mirror. Why? Why should I hear that? I suppose I have an issue with my own perception of beauty? Or a perception of my own identity? I have a strong identity; I believe that I have always had a strong identity. So, this is what has me thinking. Am I to fit the mold of someone else's idea of beauty? I know that since my surgery, I have a hard time with the different sizes of my breasts. That really does bother me. The different types of bras and the concern that I will not be able to look good in one of them other than in a sports bra. I hate it. I have been in the store with another person shopping for bras. It hurts that I may not be able to wear the kind of bra I would like without a prosthesis. I do not have one. I am so concerned that others would be able to tell the difference. I suppose that I will be the only person who will be able to tell the difference. But, I wonder. I am determined and so therefore I will not quit until I get some type of response or desired outcome. I want an outcome that is not what I have been told to receive. I want. I will. I am going to do it.

Too, another thing that I have been dealing with are the flashbacks and the thoughts. Some days are harder than others. I hate that I can be having a nice moment and then it is interrupted with something foul. Sometimes, an association can trigger it. Other times a comment or a precarious situation. Other times, I am steady as a rock. But, I have been pressed emotionally and so, things are bound to be surfacing. I have ordered a book as well. I will be reading more about recovery and assocation. I am not a victim any more; I am a survivor. I have not been a victim for a very long time. I am a survivor and have been one for many years. It is very frustrating to understand that much of this got stirred up during chemo. In so many ways, I am glad this happened. There is nothing like having something like this surface after many more years.

So, now, what are my tactics going to be? Well, I have to continue to do as I have been doing. I will continue to watch what I put into the old noggin' and to allow myself leeway on many things. I have to use positive self-talk and to allow my emotions to not be bottled up. I cannot allow these things to stop me from what I know what to do. I will continue to reach out and to continue to see what I know is right. I will continue to move forwrd. I will not allow nightmares to bother me; I know that there are some to come that I will not care for. But, I can do this. I have been doing this. This previous trauma will not stop me.

Pushing. Pressing. Not seeing.