I am realizing many things here recently. Of course, these things are always in the back of my mind. I am understanding more and more all the time. I have seen many things this past year with respect to my emotions and how I mingle and interact with others. The days have been trying and to say that they have all been good to me is not so easy to say. But, I can say that I have been diligent and I have persevered. I have seen many more flashbacks and I have shared these with others as well. This is quite unique that others would share in what I hate the most. J, for example, was there for it. She actually said "thank you" for letting me see what I have gone through. It is very different to have someone see a piece of vulnerability that I do not like others to see.
I still deal with quite a bit of anger, bitterness and frustration when I discuss it. I know that I must get beyond this and move toward ease. A few days ago, I was sharing this with someone at the oncology clinic and when my blood pressure was taken, it was extremely high. Within a few minutes of breathing and relaxing, it was much lower by nearly 20 points. I knew then that this matter was still very alive in me and that there are so many areas that I must still address and seek to get resolution. There is no room in a person's heart for this much anger, hatred, resentment and unforgiveness. Where does all of this come from? It really has been within me deeper than I had realized. I do know that I have a lot of work to do to realize and know how my behaviors effect and affect others. I must be aware and learn to discipline myself. Too, I must be willing to allow others to see what I am experiencing. Some are able to handle this, others are not. C, for example, did not have very good thoughts for me when I was discussing with her about the need for reaching out. I do not believe that we are meant to walk in [all] trials and tribulations singularly. While it is true that someone cannot be along side us for everything, it is wrong for an individual to feel that they are alone and that no one cares about them. It is wrong to force the human condition to suffer alone. And to this aspect, I will fight and not be broken or deterred.
I realize that within me is a huge capacity of love and hate. I hate what was done. I love the journey of discovery. I hate that I have these feelings coming up. I love that they will be addressed in due time. I hate that these feelings will be with me for [possibly] all my life. I love that I know that I am not alone. I love that despite it all, there is hope. I love that others will learn from what I have been through and will be provided hope in healing and in love and compassion.
Pressing on. Pushing on. Providing hope.
