So, here I am. I am looking at things once again with respect to my self-concept. Yes, I have been looking at quite a bit lately and realize that there are some places that I choose not to enter. Some doors are just a little more difficult than others. Entering some doors are just a little more difficult than others. I think that I have finally hit one that I do not care to enter. I am/not a freakazoid. But, I know one thing--I do not want to discuss it quite in its entirety. I know that some days I feel quite content with who and what I am. I know that there is a comfort that is there that has been for some time. It is what I am accustomed to. I realize that there is a certain amount of uncertainty about what to do with a new self-concept with discussing being a freakazoid. I have to be careful to not say it so loud. I understand that some might not understand my referral to being a freakazoid--une metisse. I suppose that it is not fair to say that.
I do realize that when I choose to discuss the origins it will not be easy; but, it is something that will have its day. I am not ready and I am not willing to disucss it at this time. I do realize that this has been affecting me. I have been a private person for a while and feel a need to rationalize this. Too, I do realize that being private has its benefits; however, I must keep it balanced with other things. In the meantime, getting past the concepts of others will be interesting. I am different. There is no doubt about that. What makes me different? That is a discussion for another day as well.
It is not easy to try to explain how things have been made different after rape. It is hard to explain to people how behaviors slowly change because perceptions have changed. What I find to be very difficult is trying to explain why rationalizations and accommodations have changed because of the fear of someone finding out that it happened, but even more so that the expectation to "just get over it" happens. No one can understand the accusations that can happen when you are told that "it was your fault" or "you should have fought harder" or "what do you expect" or "it is nothing" or "you are making things up". There is a certain hardness that sets in when after victimization you are mocked and scoffed for what happened. Learned responses happen; avoidance and the like are part of those learned behaviours. I learned to avoid people and places. I chose to find ways to better myself and to bury myself in work, school, church and other events. I had learned not to cry. I had buried my emotions deep and worked hard for them not to surface in front of others as well as myself. I had learned to hate emotions and to be tight with my feelings; yet, working hard not to allow them to surface. I had avoided intimacy with others because I did not want to share or to reveal much. Even one of my best friends did not believe what had happened. It is very difficult to reach out to people when your reception is less than favorable.
I know that I have a lot to discuss and a lot to overcome. I do know that there is no rush and that these matters will be resolved in their own time; I must be willing to address them. I must be willing to be probed and I must be willing to trust that when I choose to open up, it will be safe and GOD blessed.
Pushing on. Pressing on. Probing on.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Thursday, February 24, 2011
So the truth is out
So this is what I know for the day. I have had the longest day today battling the snow and the ice; I was on the freeway today and have spent the longest day behind the wheel of my rig. I had started the morning out with a revelation--I am a freakazoid. Yes, I have said it and the truth is out. Why do I consider myself a freakazoid? I was asked this today of my Pastor. Do I say this with pride or do I actually say this because this is the personification of what I truly feel? The truth is out. How do I feel and why do I feel this way? For the longest time, I have been discussing my feelings and what current state of mind that I am in. But, this is one of the deepest questions that I have been asked for some time. Why do I refer to myself as a freakazoid? Maybe I should call myself Nathaniel Hawthorne? It is hard to explain to another person the way a person can feel stained from the experience of sexual assault. Certainly, I have felt out of place from many because I feel like I am a geek as well. I am a nerd and love education and love the entire experience. I can easily hide in my books and my academia. But, the stain of sexual assault can stay with a person a whole lot longer than just hiding in books.
I cannot really say for how long I have felt like a freakazoid. I know that within the past several months since the cancer treatment that I have felt more deeply about things and how I have felt so out of place from others. Things have been stirred up--of course; I have discussed it. But, feeling like a different person from others is the pinch. I do not feel like others because of the stain from all of this. At times, I feel as though I have a huge "R" on my chest that says it all. I realize that not all know what is going on; however, that does not matter. I think differently from others. I am ever vigilant because of the assault. I do not trust like the next person. I question things more. I avoid certain situation and people. While I like to engage people in things, I do not want to be engaged--I like to be more in control over things so protect my heart. Yes, the truth is out. I like to have the comfort of being in my own control and to work within a comfort zone so that I do not put myself in the position of ever being victimized. I am a freakazoid.
I have had a lot of emotional releases. This is not my norm; however, I have never been through chemo before as well and so I can look back and say that I have been through the ringer with the emotions. These emotional upsets and outbursts also make me feel like a freakazoid. I have felt very imbalanced with these; too, I was told that I was pushed into chemo induced menopause. So, I understand the emotional mix. But what lies beneath the surface are emotions that were pushed to the top of everything because of the breaking point. Chemo created that breaking point. I hate crying. I hate being that vulnerable. I hate letting others know my emotions. I hate others seeing my emotions. I hate feeling as though I am being judged. My emotions have been on a roller coaster and for complete display. I am a freakazoid.
Now, the question is, should I feel like a freakazoid? I suppose that I should feel like anything that I want and nothing that I want. Feelings of inadequacy are hard to deal with. When I have felt so small at times and then so uncertain about things, it does not help. But, for the most part, the long lasting effects of the assault created a great breeding ground for all of this. I realize that I am different from others. Odd to say because I have felt this way for so long. These feelings have become a great bedfellow and I have grown accustomed to the way that I have felt. I am different. The rape made me different. The battle now is to recognize it and to tackle those feelings of difference. Where to start?
Pushing on. Pressing on. Freakazoid on?
I cannot really say for how long I have felt like a freakazoid. I know that within the past several months since the cancer treatment that I have felt more deeply about things and how I have felt so out of place from others. Things have been stirred up--of course; I have discussed it. But, feeling like a different person from others is the pinch. I do not feel like others because of the stain from all of this. At times, I feel as though I have a huge "R" on my chest that says it all. I realize that not all know what is going on; however, that does not matter. I think differently from others. I am ever vigilant because of the assault. I do not trust like the next person. I question things more. I avoid certain situation and people. While I like to engage people in things, I do not want to be engaged--I like to be more in control over things so protect my heart. Yes, the truth is out. I like to have the comfort of being in my own control and to work within a comfort zone so that I do not put myself in the position of ever being victimized. I am a freakazoid.
I have had a lot of emotional releases. This is not my norm; however, I have never been through chemo before as well and so I can look back and say that I have been through the ringer with the emotions. These emotional upsets and outbursts also make me feel like a freakazoid. I have felt very imbalanced with these; too, I was told that I was pushed into chemo induced menopause. So, I understand the emotional mix. But what lies beneath the surface are emotions that were pushed to the top of everything because of the breaking point. Chemo created that breaking point. I hate crying. I hate being that vulnerable. I hate letting others know my emotions. I hate others seeing my emotions. I hate feeling as though I am being judged. My emotions have been on a roller coaster and for complete display. I am a freakazoid.
Now, the question is, should I feel like a freakazoid? I suppose that I should feel like anything that I want and nothing that I want. Feelings of inadequacy are hard to deal with. When I have felt so small at times and then so uncertain about things, it does not help. But, for the most part, the long lasting effects of the assault created a great breeding ground for all of this. I realize that I am different from others. Odd to say because I have felt this way for so long. These feelings have become a great bedfellow and I have grown accustomed to the way that I have felt. I am different. The rape made me different. The battle now is to recognize it and to tackle those feelings of difference. Where to start?
Pushing on. Pressing on. Freakazoid on?
Saturday, February 19, 2011
What is in between
One of the most frustrating places to be is "not quite there". Although I feel many emotions, I do not feel like I have reached one place or another. I feel that I am approaching something that is going to take a set of emotions that I am not ready for. I know that I will have to address them without any worries or concerns. What I feel right now is a mixture of emotions that I commented about earlier. I know that these emotions are emerging because I am working on my own emotions and character. I really do not like the term "issues"--it appeals to a genre of inadequate descriptions. To the best of my efforts, I will not refer to my character needs as "issues".
For the most part, I am looking at several emotions. One of them is uncertainty. This uncertainty is preventing me from stepping into what I really need to be doing. While I am facing the overwhelming feelings of being touched in certain settings, I am uncertain as to whom I choose to allow to touch me. I think and rehearse who these persons might be and from that point, I am very apprehensive. I know that these feelings are very valid; in the same regard, these emotions should not be crippling. I am able to navigate through the mixture of things but with extreme restraint. I have never been a person to question myself; however, I find myself doing just that. I ask myself "should I do this" or "should I do that". I rehearse things to see what the best outcome would be. At work, I can choose whom to touch and the reverse. When I am out in public, I have no worry about being touched. It is the stranger perspective. But, for the general people that are closer to me, I have a greater difficulty.
Another in between is anger. Although there is two sets of triggers--the cancer treatment and the outcome of the rape, I need to distinguish them both. I do not like being sick and having my life turned upside down is not ok. But the outcome of the rape is the hardest. This has stayed with me the longest. As much as I try, I do not feel complete. I feel partial and that does make me angry. There are many things that anger me about the rape that cannot be explained. Feeling less than what I am is one of the worst. I do not feel comfortable in groups that I am unfamiliar with. I do not relate to some people because of it. There is self doubt. I question myself on things that I do not normally worry about. At times, I languor over thing that I should not. These changes about myself have been more predominant since the cancer and treatment; just the same, these are far more evident and it angers me. I recognize that these emotions and mechanisms have been here for some time and I have been able to compensate and not have others recognize that these behaviors have existed. I look forward to no one knowing about them again. They are fixed and it creates feelings of inadequacy. I look at others and think that what they know of me makes me feel miles away from them. I know that I should not feel like that; but I do. I suppose that these feelings and emotions have kept me separate from many for some time. This has been a comfort zone. I do realize, too, that I have allowed myself to go through the changes. These places of the "in between" are very scary.
Another feeling is resentment. I know that resentment is just an unchecked emotion that recognizes the lack and insufficiency. Resentment is a place where I know that I have to work on my own self-esteem and perspective. I must be able to look in the "mirror" and feel comfortable about what is inside and what is going on. I should not be worried or concerned about what the "other" is going through. It should not matter. But, the resentment is that others are appearing to be doing better over circumstances that I have not been able to gain any ground on. This is upsetting and stumbles me at times. I have to work on that some. Too, the resentment is centered toward myself at times. I resent myself for having gone through this and it is completely irritating. I must be careful about self-blame. This bubbles up time to time. "If I had never met this person" and the blame goes on. I resent him!
Pushing on. Pressing on. Working on.
For the most part, I am looking at several emotions. One of them is uncertainty. This uncertainty is preventing me from stepping into what I really need to be doing. While I am facing the overwhelming feelings of being touched in certain settings, I am uncertain as to whom I choose to allow to touch me. I think and rehearse who these persons might be and from that point, I am very apprehensive. I know that these feelings are very valid; in the same regard, these emotions should not be crippling. I am able to navigate through the mixture of things but with extreme restraint. I have never been a person to question myself; however, I find myself doing just that. I ask myself "should I do this" or "should I do that". I rehearse things to see what the best outcome would be. At work, I can choose whom to touch and the reverse. When I am out in public, I have no worry about being touched. It is the stranger perspective. But, for the general people that are closer to me, I have a greater difficulty.
Another in between is anger. Although there is two sets of triggers--the cancer treatment and the outcome of the rape, I need to distinguish them both. I do not like being sick and having my life turned upside down is not ok. But the outcome of the rape is the hardest. This has stayed with me the longest. As much as I try, I do not feel complete. I feel partial and that does make me angry. There are many things that anger me about the rape that cannot be explained. Feeling less than what I am is one of the worst. I do not feel comfortable in groups that I am unfamiliar with. I do not relate to some people because of it. There is self doubt. I question myself on things that I do not normally worry about. At times, I languor over thing that I should not. These changes about myself have been more predominant since the cancer and treatment; just the same, these are far more evident and it angers me. I recognize that these emotions and mechanisms have been here for some time and I have been able to compensate and not have others recognize that these behaviors have existed. I look forward to no one knowing about them again. They are fixed and it creates feelings of inadequacy. I look at others and think that what they know of me makes me feel miles away from them. I know that I should not feel like that; but I do. I suppose that these feelings and emotions have kept me separate from many for some time. This has been a comfort zone. I do realize, too, that I have allowed myself to go through the changes. These places of the "in between" are very scary.
Another feeling is resentment. I know that resentment is just an unchecked emotion that recognizes the lack and insufficiency. Resentment is a place where I know that I have to work on my own self-esteem and perspective. I must be able to look in the "mirror" and feel comfortable about what is inside and what is going on. I should not be worried or concerned about what the "other" is going through. It should not matter. But, the resentment is that others are appearing to be doing better over circumstances that I have not been able to gain any ground on. This is upsetting and stumbles me at times. I have to work on that some. Too, the resentment is centered toward myself at times. I resent myself for having gone through this and it is completely irritating. I must be careful about self-blame. This bubbles up time to time. "If I had never met this person" and the blame goes on. I resent him!
Pushing on. Pressing on. Working on.
And the beat ... continues
This has been a long week of sorts. I have been extremely tired but that is ok. I have been talking to many people about my nightmares and flashbacks and it is good to be "heard". I feel very comfortable with the idea that I am being understood and must accept this. My trust issue--I can feel that the boundaries are being stretched and worked. I am glad and leery at the same time. It is very uncomfortable to be sharing so much with some. I feel that my "zone" has been really encroached upon; however, I know that it is ok. There are so many times that I feel a retreat but that is just insecurity and knowing that it is fine and well to allow change. Some of this change is happening very quickly and I can feel the tug and pulls.
What I find to be very interesting is the manner in which information that I share is viewed by others. So much of what I have shared is by my own choice. I have lived for some time comfortable about what others do not know about me. And to some degree, I am looking forward to that again. But what is stirred up in me is what needs to be. As I will continue to be stirred up and allow to have come to the surface will be interesting. I am not entirely sure how I would like to have some things brought up. I realize that it must be done with a measure of safety for my own heart and emotions. I have been a private person for a very long time and to ask others to listen is pressing in on my flight reflexes. There are some things that are pressing harder than others: anger, resentment, bitterness, forgiveness, trust. I suppose the biggest of it all is trust. The crux of it all is whether or not I trust the hearer with things. But do I even have the trust to get to the "front door"? I am not that sure. I fight with this quite a bit and get to a point and feel like I am turning back to the starting line of sorts. I am not that keen on some things.
I know that I wrestle with quite a bit but this is just one of the biggest. I am in a comfortable zone at the moment and this is wearing well for the time being. I am not all that excited about moving forward but I know that I must. I know that I want to take my time with some things and push to just stay right where I am. I can honestly say that it scares me to move to a place where I have never been and do not care to be. I know that this is normal and to be expected. I know that things must change and from that point, it must be done carefully and willingly.
The places that I will go are not where I want to go. I know that I will have guidance but I am not sure that I want the company with it. This is very difficult to know that having others around, close, will be ok. At least, others that have all the details about the inner parts. I am realizing that the physical touching and the emotional touching are very much the same--incredibly trying. But, I am trying.
Pushing on. Pressing on. Trying on.
What I find to be very interesting is the manner in which information that I share is viewed by others. So much of what I have shared is by my own choice. I have lived for some time comfortable about what others do not know about me. And to some degree, I am looking forward to that again. But what is stirred up in me is what needs to be. As I will continue to be stirred up and allow to have come to the surface will be interesting. I am not entirely sure how I would like to have some things brought up. I realize that it must be done with a measure of safety for my own heart and emotions. I have been a private person for a very long time and to ask others to listen is pressing in on my flight reflexes. There are some things that are pressing harder than others: anger, resentment, bitterness, forgiveness, trust. I suppose the biggest of it all is trust. The crux of it all is whether or not I trust the hearer with things. But do I even have the trust to get to the "front door"? I am not that sure. I fight with this quite a bit and get to a point and feel like I am turning back to the starting line of sorts. I am not that keen on some things.
I know that I wrestle with quite a bit but this is just one of the biggest. I am in a comfortable zone at the moment and this is wearing well for the time being. I am not all that excited about moving forward but I know that I must. I know that I want to take my time with some things and push to just stay right where I am. I can honestly say that it scares me to move to a place where I have never been and do not care to be. I know that this is normal and to be expected. I know that things must change and from that point, it must be done carefully and willingly.
The places that I will go are not where I want to go. I know that I will have guidance but I am not sure that I want the company with it. This is very difficult to know that having others around, close, will be ok. At least, others that have all the details about the inner parts. I am realizing that the physical touching and the emotional touching are very much the same--incredibly trying. But, I am trying.
Pushing on. Pressing on. Trying on.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
What continues my way
For the most part, things are moving along. Today has been a day where I have been questioning myself and feeling overly insecure. I realize that the emotions of the chemo will really take effect; however, I am very vulnerable right now. I have spoken with Another G and she has said that we can meet at her house to chat about things. I am grateful. But, in the same regard, revealing this to another person is going to be quite interesting. My trust has go to be growing and I must relax and know that things are going to improve.
I am continuing to have great difficulty with the idea of being touched. I am resting on the fact that I do not have to be placed in a position where so many people are going to be around me. I know that I have explained before what it means to me to be touched. While it is important to be touched, it is where the touching will be. Handshakes are not issue. Being touched on the shoulder or the back is the issue. My work does not compound the issues; in fact, it is welcomed. I love to be touched by my clients and others who know what type of journey this is. They are respectful of what is going on. Not everyone knows about what is going on and so it is fine to be living in a comfort zone. I like my comfort zone. I have lived in this comfort zone for a very long time and I am very pleased to stay there. For the most part, I have been a very discreet woman and care to live by modesty. I do not like to live flamboyantly and reveal much. When my modesty was violated, it was hard to establish again. In the same regard, the chemo has really pushed the limits on my boundaries. I suppose all modesty is out the window when you have breast cancer.
Another G has reassured me that it is ok to be able to feel the way that I feel. I know that it is in a good season to be able to feel the emotions that I have. I do not care to let anyone know what is going on and I will be doing my best to refrain from answering any questions that I do not want to answer. It is hard to answer questions when I do not believe that the other person is legitimately interested.
I am feeling quite challenged. While I have been working hard to get through these dreams and flashbacks, I am finding myself becoming more withdrawn. I feel as though others are aware but they are not. I am getting tired of others being uncomfortable around me and I am and willing to chose to not be around as many so that they will feel comfortable again with themselves. I do not want to be around a whole lot of people for that matter. I get anxious, too, that if anyone is sick, I might catch something. I do not want that either.
I feel ashamed at times for even thinking that I will want to be living in a zone. But that is what it has to be. I will avoid. I will refrain from some activities and I will refrain from getting into activities that I am invited to. I am a freakazoid and I am not afraid to live like I need to.
I have to get through radiation. I have to get through being touched all over again in places that I have worked hard to keep covered. I should not be ashamed but I feel it. I simply do not want to be touched and I am willing to make sacrifices to prevent being touched. The nightmares and flashbacks have added to my angst and I am working hard to just get through it. I know that I can and I hope that it will be without a lot of questions. We shall hope. I want to be discreet and hopefully undetected. Hopefully, when everyone understands that the chemo is done, then they will leave me alone. I do not want anyone to know about the radiation. Hopefully, I can keep that quiet.
Pushing on. Pressing on. Hoping on.
I am continuing to have great difficulty with the idea of being touched. I am resting on the fact that I do not have to be placed in a position where so many people are going to be around me. I know that I have explained before what it means to me to be touched. While it is important to be touched, it is where the touching will be. Handshakes are not issue. Being touched on the shoulder or the back is the issue. My work does not compound the issues; in fact, it is welcomed. I love to be touched by my clients and others who know what type of journey this is. They are respectful of what is going on. Not everyone knows about what is going on and so it is fine to be living in a comfort zone. I like my comfort zone. I have lived in this comfort zone for a very long time and I am very pleased to stay there. For the most part, I have been a very discreet woman and care to live by modesty. I do not like to live flamboyantly and reveal much. When my modesty was violated, it was hard to establish again. In the same regard, the chemo has really pushed the limits on my boundaries. I suppose all modesty is out the window when you have breast cancer.
Another G has reassured me that it is ok to be able to feel the way that I feel. I know that it is in a good season to be able to feel the emotions that I have. I do not care to let anyone know what is going on and I will be doing my best to refrain from answering any questions that I do not want to answer. It is hard to answer questions when I do not believe that the other person is legitimately interested.
I am feeling quite challenged. While I have been working hard to get through these dreams and flashbacks, I am finding myself becoming more withdrawn. I feel as though others are aware but they are not. I am getting tired of others being uncomfortable around me and I am and willing to chose to not be around as many so that they will feel comfortable again with themselves. I do not want to be around a whole lot of people for that matter. I get anxious, too, that if anyone is sick, I might catch something. I do not want that either.
I feel ashamed at times for even thinking that I will want to be living in a zone. But that is what it has to be. I will avoid. I will refrain from some activities and I will refrain from getting into activities that I am invited to. I am a freakazoid and I am not afraid to live like I need to.
I have to get through radiation. I have to get through being touched all over again in places that I have worked hard to keep covered. I should not be ashamed but I feel it. I simply do not want to be touched and I am willing to make sacrifices to prevent being touched. The nightmares and flashbacks have added to my angst and I am working hard to just get through it. I know that I can and I hope that it will be without a lot of questions. We shall hope. I want to be discreet and hopefully undetected. Hopefully, when everyone understands that the chemo is done, then they will leave me alone. I do not want anyone to know about the radiation. Hopefully, I can keep that quiet.
Pushing on. Pressing on. Hoping on.
Friday, February 11, 2011
How I am feeling
I know many things but many things I do not know. I know that I am feeling very emotional today. Yes, after chemo I usually am feeling more and more emotional. I have been needing to keep my tongue on many things because of how I am feeling. I have learned a long time ago in this to not make phone calls to people to speak to them personally. I have been leaving short messages. But, I have to say, even that is uncomfortable. I feel like an outsider in all of this and wonder about things. I have been pushed into a place that I am having to work through again. I am feeling very encroached upon and feel like I do not want to answer questions or to be in close proximity of people that I will have to answer questions. I would rather someone just talk to me and avoid some things and let the discussion flow as it might. I am tired.
These feelings of not wanting to be touched have surfaced really hard since the nightmares have gotten continuous. I do not want to come out and say it to everyone again because they do not understand what it means. I have been white knuckling it now and I am working hard to just bury these behaviors so no one will know. I have been mocked and scoffed by people that do not understand. Another G told me that she did understand and I am very thankful for her. I will not have to explain if I do not want to be hugged or touched. I will be walking more in a few days and then the following service I will be walking outside again to avoid be touched. I am fearful of what will be coming in radiation. I will have to be exposed to everyone in the lab/treatment room and I am wondering how that will work. I can feel shame bubbling up and that is just not what I need right now. This shame of shame is hard. Shame to be touched and fear of being touched. They seem to be working on a fulcrum.
How do I get past all of this? At times I say I do not know. But I do know. It is with patience and diligence that I do this. I must know my threshold and to know who I can talk to about what I am feeling. I need to know who my allies are and at this point, I just do not know. I constantly wonder if I am the resident freak on parade at the church. "Oh, let me watch this one go again this week". ARG! That makes me feel shameful too. I am looking forward to getting through this.
Pushing on. Pressing on. Knowing on.
These feelings of not wanting to be touched have surfaced really hard since the nightmares have gotten continuous. I do not want to come out and say it to everyone again because they do not understand what it means. I have been white knuckling it now and I am working hard to just bury these behaviors so no one will know. I have been mocked and scoffed by people that do not understand. Another G told me that she did understand and I am very thankful for her. I will not have to explain if I do not want to be hugged or touched. I will be walking more in a few days and then the following service I will be walking outside again to avoid be touched. I am fearful of what will be coming in radiation. I will have to be exposed to everyone in the lab/treatment room and I am wondering how that will work. I can feel shame bubbling up and that is just not what I need right now. This shame of shame is hard. Shame to be touched and fear of being touched. They seem to be working on a fulcrum.
How do I get past all of this? At times I say I do not know. But I do know. It is with patience and diligence that I do this. I must know my threshold and to know who I can talk to about what I am feeling. I need to know who my allies are and at this point, I just do not know. I constantly wonder if I am the resident freak on parade at the church. "Oh, let me watch this one go again this week". ARG! That makes me feel shameful too. I am looking forward to getting through this.
Pushing on. Pressing on. Knowing on.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
A new discussion
I had a very interesting discussion with one of the ladies from my church--another G. I was very glad to have spoken with her. She completely understood my thoughts about my barriers and what some of my anxieties are. I am trying very hard to get beyond some of these things but I feel like I am just stuck. I told her that I have been experiencing the same recurring dream/flashback that I have had for a couple months now. I told her that I will tell her about it because I cannot tell anyone else about it. It is haunting me and I just cannot bear this anymore. I hate these flashbacks.
Another G told me that she could tell how tense I get when I am hugged or touched. I am so sorry, but it does happen. I had to express to her that it is getting much more difficult to push myself to get to church and know that I will be touched by so many. I cannot handle this. I told her that it is coming to a point that I just cannot do it and I do not want to lose myself in trying to get this done.
I am a freakazoid! So many do not understand what is going on and yet the questions keep coming and I really do not want to answer anymore of them. If no one is going to want to just help out, then why ask the questions. Perhaps, I should just tell everyone to go to the front table and get the latest bulletin on me! Or maybe, I should send them to Pastor and he can answer all of my questions. Maybe, I should make something up for some good juicy stuff for everyone to chat about. Either way, I am having a growing difficulty and not being able to just ease though it is getting tougher. What is going to happen when the radiation starts? I have no idea, but I know that I will be open for everyone to see and that will create issues for me. I do not want to be touched!!! I do not know how loud I need to be in order for things to be understood. I wish that I could turn the time back and everyone just think whatever they wanted of me. I really regret sharing! This lonely battle is mine and mine alone. It has been proven again and again.
I am working things out for myself. I have to get these issues identified and to work on them myself. My schedule has changed again and it is going to keep me busy in the afternoons. I am looking forward to be busy and keeping my mind busy. I am not looking forward to anything else other than sleep and quality rest. My body and my mind could use it.
Pushing on. Pressing on. Resting on.
Another G told me that she could tell how tense I get when I am hugged or touched. I am so sorry, but it does happen. I had to express to her that it is getting much more difficult to push myself to get to church and know that I will be touched by so many. I cannot handle this. I told her that it is coming to a point that I just cannot do it and I do not want to lose myself in trying to get this done.
I am a freakazoid! So many do not understand what is going on and yet the questions keep coming and I really do not want to answer anymore of them. If no one is going to want to just help out, then why ask the questions. Perhaps, I should just tell everyone to go to the front table and get the latest bulletin on me! Or maybe, I should send them to Pastor and he can answer all of my questions. Maybe, I should make something up for some good juicy stuff for everyone to chat about. Either way, I am having a growing difficulty and not being able to just ease though it is getting tougher. What is going to happen when the radiation starts? I have no idea, but I know that I will be open for everyone to see and that will create issues for me. I do not want to be touched!!! I do not know how loud I need to be in order for things to be understood. I wish that I could turn the time back and everyone just think whatever they wanted of me. I really regret sharing! This lonely battle is mine and mine alone. It has been proven again and again.
I am working things out for myself. I have to get these issues identified and to work on them myself. My schedule has changed again and it is going to keep me busy in the afternoons. I am looking forward to be busy and keeping my mind busy. I am not looking forward to anything else other than sleep and quality rest. My body and my mind could use it.
Pushing on. Pressing on. Resting on.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Opening more doors
As usual, I am willing to talk about many things, but many things I am not willing to address. Today, I realize that some things are going to be need to be discussed even longer. Anxiety. This is one emotion that has a threshold that has more triggers than others. I feel anxious about more things and yet, this anxiety is not what I want to even touch. Odd to say. I am anxious about some conversations. I am finding that I am using more coping skills and mechanisms to avoid some topics. I know that some of these topics are very raw for me. I have never discussed these deep things and so I am not necessarily willing to discuss them. This anxiety is linked to fear, lack of trust, resentment and hatred. I do not particularly care to exist with these emotions but I am going to be addressing them once again.
Anxiety. This is an emotion that prevents me from being around some people, places and situations. I have been assessing myself to see what this really means to me and I have been at a loss to be able to examine it for some time. I am now able to say something. This anxiety appears to be a mechanism that is triggered when I perceive some personal harm or the threat of some harm. I know that when I am feeling as though I am going to be touched, I do not want to be around. I would rather just escape and sit from a distance. No one understands this and so i just avoid situations. I have seen that this has been a part of me for some time--years. I remember a day when Pastor touched my shoulders to give me a rub. He did not know--I wanted to react so. It is no one person's fault; rather, it is just my emotion.
Too, this anxiety is really peaked when I feel or perceive that some closeness or proximity is being encroached upon. I do not care to have people too close. I get nearly claustrophobic but without being. I am choosy about my place and my persons. I suppose this might look like I am "controling". I believe that I am getting to understand a little more about what some people might say; however, it is not for them to be working on that. If some people only knew how I felt they would just leave me alone and not be so worried about what is going on. But, I have to understand that not everyone is up to speed with life. Some are actually selfish and self-centered. But, this anxiety needs to be grappled. I know that when I am anxious, I have a way out. I can simply express that I am not willing to do something and know that it is understood. There is comfort in that.
Pushing on. Pressing on. Actually on!
Anxiety. This is an emotion that prevents me from being around some people, places and situations. I have been assessing myself to see what this really means to me and I have been at a loss to be able to examine it for some time. I am now able to say something. This anxiety appears to be a mechanism that is triggered when I perceive some personal harm or the threat of some harm. I know that when I am feeling as though I am going to be touched, I do not want to be around. I would rather just escape and sit from a distance. No one understands this and so i just avoid situations. I have seen that this has been a part of me for some time--years. I remember a day when Pastor touched my shoulders to give me a rub. He did not know--I wanted to react so. It is no one person's fault; rather, it is just my emotion.
Too, this anxiety is really peaked when I feel or perceive that some closeness or proximity is being encroached upon. I do not care to have people too close. I get nearly claustrophobic but without being. I am choosy about my place and my persons. I suppose this might look like I am "controling". I believe that I am getting to understand a little more about what some people might say; however, it is not for them to be working on that. If some people only knew how I felt they would just leave me alone and not be so worried about what is going on. But, I have to understand that not everyone is up to speed with life. Some are actually selfish and self-centered. But, this anxiety needs to be grappled. I know that when I am anxious, I have a way out. I can simply express that I am not willing to do something and know that it is understood. There is comfort in that.
Pushing on. Pressing on. Actually on!
Monday, February 7, 2011
Looking back from the weekend
I have made it through the weekend. However, I do not feel that I was all that successful. I had the worst nightmare of them all and that kept me from feeling as whole as I could be. I ended up emailing my Pastor to ask him to pray--he did. But, this left me feeling back to square one with feeling dirty and out of order. I know that I am not and I know that this was just a dream. Today, after getting home from work, I took advantage of some energy and cleaned my carpets and prayed. I listened to some of my most favorite music to concentrate on what I needed to do. By the end of the day, I was exercising and working on my dojo. These feelings are not going to be the best of me.
I realize that the issues of my rape are not gone. I know that things may feel waxed over, but they are really not that far from the surface; however, they are not all that menacing anymore. I realize that I have a lot of emotions that I will be needing to sort and to put into place but where to start some days is just the issue. Sometimes, I feel guilty and ashamed about saying that I do not want to be touched and that bothers me immensely. But, I know that it is understandable that these feelings are there and they are valid. These insecurities are only for a short time and then they will be addressed and placed where they need to be.
How can I make someone understand my feelings? I cannot. If these emotions and feelings are not expressed, they will fester and from there, more anger and resentment will exist and become an issue that should not be. This will be something that I will have to pick and chose with my Pastor and anyone else who wants to listen to me. Why should I feel these things? Why should I validate myself for someone else? To ask for their patience and their understanding. Not everyone is going to understand. I know that not everyone is going to want to listen. I certainly have been experiencing the widest range of emotions from many people and I do not know how to address this or handle this. I feel silly and ashamed to ask but I know that asking is one of the best things that can be done.
I have a threshold as well. I am reaching that threshold. I have accomplished expressing to my Pastor many things; however, there are many things yet to be addressed. I am not sure that I want to venture that deep. I am a freakazoid in the flock and that makes me feel very strange. How to I get over that feeling? It seems that everyone knows that I am one just that; I should not feel that way.
I am excited to get past this. I am looking forward to all of this being done. But, for this season, it is good to have this out in the open.
Pushing on. Pressing on. Opening up!
I realize that the issues of my rape are not gone. I know that things may feel waxed over, but they are really not that far from the surface; however, they are not all that menacing anymore. I realize that I have a lot of emotions that I will be needing to sort and to put into place but where to start some days is just the issue. Sometimes, I feel guilty and ashamed about saying that I do not want to be touched and that bothers me immensely. But, I know that it is understandable that these feelings are there and they are valid. These insecurities are only for a short time and then they will be addressed and placed where they need to be.
How can I make someone understand my feelings? I cannot. If these emotions and feelings are not expressed, they will fester and from there, more anger and resentment will exist and become an issue that should not be. This will be something that I will have to pick and chose with my Pastor and anyone else who wants to listen to me. Why should I feel these things? Why should I validate myself for someone else? To ask for their patience and their understanding. Not everyone is going to understand. I know that not everyone is going to want to listen. I certainly have been experiencing the widest range of emotions from many people and I do not know how to address this or handle this. I feel silly and ashamed to ask but I know that asking is one of the best things that can be done.
I have a threshold as well. I am reaching that threshold. I have accomplished expressing to my Pastor many things; however, there are many things yet to be addressed. I am not sure that I want to venture that deep. I am a freakazoid in the flock and that makes me feel very strange. How to I get over that feeling? It seems that everyone knows that I am one just that; I should not feel that way.
I am excited to get past this. I am looking forward to all of this being done. But, for this season, it is good to have this out in the open.
Pushing on. Pressing on. Opening up!
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Trusting again for what I need
The weekend has hit and I am working hard at sorting my feelings out. I have been looking forward to many things this weekend and it has been challenging me. My migraine has not been helping with sorting my feelings out. I am really challenged. Today, I have been feeling quite a bit of lack of trust. My "trust-o-meter" seems to be really out of whack. I spoke with N today on the phone regarding church and how I am feeling. I think about the day of face-to-face with my Pastor and just cringe. What do I say? Trust is a strong issue that I am fighting. For the longest time, I could say that it was far off and that face-to-face was far enough away that I could relax. Now, that day is coming closer and I do not want it. I know that it is inevitable. I know that I am going to need to muster up every bit of energy and composure to do this.
Regardless, this is going to be a hard one for me. I am fighting trust of others and this is not ok. This insecurity of mine is nagging at me. I know that I do not feel all that good and I am going to be asked to go up for prayer. But, I cannot handle the idea that I will be touched. I do understand that there will be a day when things will resolve and be like they used to be. But for the time being, it is what it is. I do not want to be touched and this is just how I feel. At times, I wish that I could get that magic hug that would make everything all better; but it never comes. This battle continues and the fight in my heart and my mind endure.
I am finding things uncomfortable as well. There are some shows on TV now that I just cannot watch. The shows that I used to be able to watch are not something that disturbs me. I have not been able to watch cable shows for so long because I did not pay for cable; now, I can. There are so many shows that really bother me. I have to change the channel because of some subject matter. I know that for some episodes, they used to irritate me; now, they really bother me to the point of changing the channel. Certain news can upset me as well. And my dreams? They are changing again. I had one dream that was so realistic that I woke the same time my alarm was to go off. So much has gotten under my skin that I need to really get a handle on it. I want to have all of this to come to an end. One song that I listen from Petra encourages me--No doubt. I must endure for this season and be encouraged that what GOD has started in me, HE is sure and faithful to complete in me until the day of perfection.
Pushing on. Pressing on. Trusting on.
Regardless, this is going to be a hard one for me. I am fighting trust of others and this is not ok. This insecurity of mine is nagging at me. I know that I do not feel all that good and I am going to be asked to go up for prayer. But, I cannot handle the idea that I will be touched. I do understand that there will be a day when things will resolve and be like they used to be. But for the time being, it is what it is. I do not want to be touched and this is just how I feel. At times, I wish that I could get that magic hug that would make everything all better; but it never comes. This battle continues and the fight in my heart and my mind endure.
I am finding things uncomfortable as well. There are some shows on TV now that I just cannot watch. The shows that I used to be able to watch are not something that disturbs me. I have not been able to watch cable shows for so long because I did not pay for cable; now, I can. There are so many shows that really bother me. I have to change the channel because of some subject matter. I know that for some episodes, they used to irritate me; now, they really bother me to the point of changing the channel. Certain news can upset me as well. And my dreams? They are changing again. I had one dream that was so realistic that I woke the same time my alarm was to go off. So much has gotten under my skin that I need to really get a handle on it. I want to have all of this to come to an end. One song that I listen from Petra encourages me--No doubt. I must endure for this season and be encouraged that what GOD has started in me, HE is sure and faithful to complete in me until the day of perfection.
Pushing on. Pressing on. Trusting on.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Stirred up
As the day has continued, I have had so many conflicting thoughts. I have been so tired today that I could not wait to get home and just relax. Of course, I get home and I see a dirty and out of order home. I have to put my feeling aside and focus on what I need to do to get the housework completed. But my feelings are just so jumbled. I hate to say this. I am just so stirred up. I am angry that I have no one to talk to at this point, and I am angry that I do not want to talk to anyone because I do not want to have a meltdown. To add, I do not want to be touched. This is coming up again and again and it is really upsetting me. I want to get moving on these emotions, but I do not want to be mingling and being around many people. For the most part, I cannot really just mingle and be around many because I cannot afford to be sick. In the same regard, I am anxious about being around. I do not want to be touched and I do not want to touch anyone. I am feeling caged in and I want to be in the great outdoors where there is no one around for miles. I do not want any human interaction, yet I want someone to talk to. I want someone to listen and to understand that these feelings that I have are valid.
I am watching my back and watching how close people are coming to me. This is so frustrating. I do not want to make people talk to me but in the same regard, how are they going to know what is going on with me. I am so looking forward to this weekend. I really do not want to do anything other than read, study and pray. I hope that someone will come by and chat. I hope that I do not have to wait and beg for someone to say hello. I do realize that it may very well be what I have to do.
Pressing on. Pushing on. Feeling on,
I am watching my back and watching how close people are coming to me. This is so frustrating. I do not want to make people talk to me but in the same regard, how are they going to know what is going on with me. I am so looking forward to this weekend. I really do not want to do anything other than read, study and pray. I hope that someone will come by and chat. I hope that I do not have to wait and beg for someone to say hello. I do realize that it may very well be what I have to do.
Pressing on. Pushing on. Feeling on,
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
I am continuing
For many reasons, I am continuing. This may seem as though it is just redundant; however, most importantly it is not. These emotions come back to me again and again and it is the most difficult thing to address at times. Just the same, they are getting addressed. Although the nightmares are easing in intensity, the flashbacks are still remaining. I am wrestling with being touched and feel myself giving in to it again. I know that it is ok to be touched and it is equally ok to not be touched. This week, I have felt caged in and so experiencing the range of emotions this week has been tiring. I have a migraine because of some things. I know that my diet has been good and that I have been exercising some. My sleep has been disturbed for some time and that may be a great culprit of it. Tonight, I am working my on-call and will be putting in a 36 hour day. This does not help.
It is very odd that I have been watching a lot of tv with sexual assault themes. I do not watch these shows that much and when the themes come up, it makes me very uncomfortable. This has not been so much in the past, rather it has effected me but not to any point of discomfort. But, I am very uncomfortable about it now. I find myself avoiding such themes. There seems to be a lot of these events on the news about sexual assault. This makes me feel very uncomfortable. Some of my dreams have been effected by this.
I have been reading more journal articles about this as well. I have been reading that rape trauma syndrom and PTSD can be treated through emotional revisitiation. This does not excite me. However, I am seeing the importance of bringing a person to the threshold of the event and to be able to discuss it as well as to recall the difficult emotions. For many, some aspects of the rape has been blocked out in amnesia. For me, that is not the instance. I can remember the events in their entirety. For nearly two decades, I have been able to remember every aspect of it. However, for this time, the shame, guilt and anger have been something that I have not spoken of for years. I have always said that I know what is in me and I know what issues that need to be addressed. Not until the cancer have things really been that challenged. Sometimes, the emotions that vex me do not have an agenda and other times, I wonder. Just when I thought that I have faced fear, it rears again and fear grips me and controls me. For example, the fear of being touched. I have not begun to want to say how much being touched really makes my skin crawl. I am willing to be touched conditionally; however, how do I express this to people? I think that more energy will be expressed just trying to avoid some things. But, I do not know how much energy will be expressed when I am trying to just withstand some touching. To me, this is nothing less than a white-knuckle event. I realize that discussing this is very important and when that time comes with my Pastor, I will be ready. I have to be ready and I am willing to be ready. I know that I must have an escape route as well. I have to learn to trust. At this point, saying it seems right. Being face-to-face is going to be something else. I will need strength and grace for the events.
Discussion is good. I know that discussing the elements of the whole rape is going to be necessary; I will continue to discuss it here before my and during my face-to-face.
Pushing on. Pressing on. Facing on.
It is very odd that I have been watching a lot of tv with sexual assault themes. I do not watch these shows that much and when the themes come up, it makes me very uncomfortable. This has not been so much in the past, rather it has effected me but not to any point of discomfort. But, I am very uncomfortable about it now. I find myself avoiding such themes. There seems to be a lot of these events on the news about sexual assault. This makes me feel very uncomfortable. Some of my dreams have been effected by this.
I have been reading more journal articles about this as well. I have been reading that rape trauma syndrom and PTSD can be treated through emotional revisitiation. This does not excite me. However, I am seeing the importance of bringing a person to the threshold of the event and to be able to discuss it as well as to recall the difficult emotions. For many, some aspects of the rape has been blocked out in amnesia. For me, that is not the instance. I can remember the events in their entirety. For nearly two decades, I have been able to remember every aspect of it. However, for this time, the shame, guilt and anger have been something that I have not spoken of for years. I have always said that I know what is in me and I know what issues that need to be addressed. Not until the cancer have things really been that challenged. Sometimes, the emotions that vex me do not have an agenda and other times, I wonder. Just when I thought that I have faced fear, it rears again and fear grips me and controls me. For example, the fear of being touched. I have not begun to want to say how much being touched really makes my skin crawl. I am willing to be touched conditionally; however, how do I express this to people? I think that more energy will be expressed just trying to avoid some things. But, I do not know how much energy will be expressed when I am trying to just withstand some touching. To me, this is nothing less than a white-knuckle event. I realize that discussing this is very important and when that time comes with my Pastor, I will be ready. I have to be ready and I am willing to be ready. I know that I must have an escape route as well. I have to learn to trust. At this point, saying it seems right. Being face-to-face is going to be something else. I will need strength and grace for the events.
Discussion is good. I know that discussing the elements of the whole rape is going to be necessary; I will continue to discuss it here before my and during my face-to-face.
Pushing on. Pressing on. Facing on.
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