Anxiety only comes when there are anxious moments

This is something I know for certain--anxiety. So, there are things that really bother me and get my anxiety stirred. Certainly cancer care and treatment can cause a lot of troubles and anxiety is one of them. I know for certain that I don't like bad appointments, multiple medical procedures, bad advice, and low blood sugars.

One huge anxiety that I have is "slipping through the cracks". This is simply the worst experience ever. In my experience, so far, there have been many professionals that just do not understand what to do. With the one doctor for my LNI, this was a horrendous injustice. Even this doctor's MAs had no understanding about what the laws said about the situation. This is something that does create anxiety, and did, because these young adults with minimal education and understanding are making medical decisions and providing medical opinions when they have no expertise, education or understanding.

I hate it when the doc will say, "I would like you to get some ...". This especially is a great piece of anxiety for me because my finances are very tight and I do not always have the extra money to purchase a higher quality supplement. For the most part, these supplements are very costly and to purchase them every/other month is quite demanding. I simply do not have the extra cash to do that. But, for my health, this is what I need to do.

Another frustration that I have that causes anxiety is when I have procedures that requires me to have IVs. I have regularly scheduled CTs. With those comes an IV for the contrast. If the tech cannot get a good enough draw, then they have to go for another one and continue until they either get one or I say enough is enough. This can result in many bruises that I have to cover up from work and so that no one will know what is going on. (BTW: that causes a lot of anxiety as well. I do not want anyone to know what is going on with me.). I simply cannot understand why someone would think that it is ok to think it wrong to be upset about what is going on. We are not supposed to be enjoying it. The last CT that I had was such an easy IV. I had to drink an enormous amount of water, plus double up on my K and Na to get the proper blood volume. I tell you, I had to drink about 72 fluid oz of water for the day. It was just miserable.

I really get bothered about bad advice. So, with the last doc's appointment with my PCP, he told me that he wanted me to get off all of my meds, except my cancer med, to determine what was causing my stomach pain and then to introduce them one at a time. Well, first of all, I knew why I was having stomach pains. This does not require a rocket scientist to figure out. If only the docs really wanted to know then they would be asking the right questions. They do not even figure things out. I had to write a letter to one of them about it. I simply do not have enough money to pay for supplements, food, bills and everything else. So, what goes to the way-side? Yes, food. I have not had enough gas money to get to the food bank and I am certainly not going to ask anyone for food money that I cannot pay back. I am not going to ask for food-stamps because I am paying for my car and the final few months of my lawyer. So, when they are all paid off, then I will be working to pay off the next few bills. Gotta love it! Right?!?! So, with this primary not asking me the right questions, then he would naturally assume that the medication that I am taking would be causing a lot of difficulty. He had also commented on "why the anxiety about all of these pills". Well, stop and think about it. I need to have these supplements for my health and for pain management. This doctor has no understanding about what he had said. Then again, he was very out of sorts when he had seen me as well. This was the week off the new stomach med and that both his RN and MA did not return important phone calls to me. Seriously, what are the odds that both of them did not contact me regarding a medication allergy. This is quite frustrating to me. I am not requiring a huge conversation; rather, simple acknowledgement that they will contact the provider and they got my message. Simple enough. But, that did not happen. With the amount of great discomfort that I have had, having the comfort of knowing that I was heard means a great amount. Anxiety? Yes. Pain has its own amount of anxiety.

I hate having low blood sugars. This creates a lot of anxiety in itself. It is part of the symptoms. But, do others recognize it for what it is worth? No. I wish that the providers would understand that I do not always eat on-time or regularly. I simply do not have the money for it. But, it is a catch-22. I need to eat for health. I take supplements that requires me to take them on a full stomach. Since I do not eat just anything, I will not eat something that will potentially make me sick. I do not eat soy products and so many types of foods are off my diet list. This can be quite frustrating because if I would like to eat a doughnut, that means that I would be eating something that can make me sicker than a dog. Soy is in most baked goods and it is used too widely.

I am learning. I must be very good at what I do. But, even more so, I must continue in the same way that I have been. I am eager to get beyond some medical providers.

Looking. Seeking. Hunting.

Sometimes there really is nothing to say but breathe

Today, my heart is really hurting. I feel at loss as to what to say. For the most part, I know that I am very upset and angry and am working carefully to not break down to tears. Honestly, I seriously am concerned about who I would break down with. This cancer trail has left me quite alone with very little friends to rest my head. As you already know, I have been working on trying to figure out all the meds and the docs. Several weekends ago, I had a very difficult time with a reaction and from that point in a lot of pain. I had called the Triage nurse and left messages. I had left messages with my MA as well. So, no responses back and I had brought this up with my Doc as well as the office. Today, of all days, my inquiries with the doc about my glucose strips and I get an email from the nurse that did not feel that it was important to give me a call back when I was in a lot of pain and discomfort. When I had seen the email, I was immediately inflamed. I just have no words to say that would adequately express how I feel. I am very upset and very angry. Having both my MA and RN not return my calls has been very hurtful. Not that they are my friends, because that is not what this is about. They are not friends; developing a strong therapeutic alliance with my medical team is very important. When they cannot fulfill a simple task that is necessary for my care, I get very worried and concerned. I am concerned that my care is too much for them and they are not able to take care of me. My greatest worry! I have had a lot of people leave because of this cancer. For them, there is a worry and concern that my dying will be very ugly and they would not be able to handle it. Some people just do not understand the loneliness behind this disease--this invasion.

When I am able to, I will certainly be asking my office personnel if my care is too much for them. Today, when I spoke with one of the office personnel, I did ask. Is my care too much for them? Certainly, I was told that it was something best answered by my doc. Certainly, I will ask and I am not afraid to hear the answer. When I told my Oncologist, she said that she hoped that the Primary would be a bit more "transparent". Yes, honesty goes a long, long way.

I know that my feelings run really deep. It would not matter if it was this doctor or another. I want a strong therapeutic alliance that I can trust and know that if something were to happen to me, I would be in good hands. At this point, I am not sure.

Sometimes there really is nothing to say but breathe.

Difficulties upon difficulties

First of all, my most recent appointment this week with Oncology was fantastic! I continue to be in remission and, for the most part, there is no detectable evidence of the cancer! Wooohoo! 

But, my stomach issues persist. For the past several weeks, my stomach has been very bad. So, like a good patient, I reported this to my doctor. And, like a good doctor, he prescribes an increased dosage of a medication that the insurance gives a difficult time in authorizing. So, from that point, another medication suggestion, over the counter (OTC), then another prescription, and then? Of course, a reaction. From that point, having to get into communication with the doctor's office has been like trying to put an elephant through the eye of the needle. Sure the reference is a camel, but in this instance? An elephant. For nearly three weeks, the difficulties persisted. I was seen in my primary's office yesterday and we discussed this. What is so profoundly frustrating is that no one had called me back. Not that I am asking for something unreasonable; but, I am asking for some simple recognition that something has gone wrong. When I related these events to my primary, there were some very interesting comments, body language and efforts to compensate for the lack of services. Laughter. Yes, laughter is a great medication! It is medicine that we need on a constant basis. But, it is also a sign of stress or when there is little understanding about how to handle a situation. I have seen this with my doctor on multiple occasions. I would really like to know one thing: Is my medical team able to handle my care? Will I need to look for a more qualified office? Come the beginning of the week, I will be taking some time to discuss matters with the Office Manager and ask some very blunt question. I would like answers. I will get them.

Now, my upcoming projects are really set in front of me. While my cancer is in remission, I have been told that I have shin splints So, my next project is to figure out what to do for them. My doctor is going to refer me for imagery and from there what to do. This will definitely impact my jobs and with as much walking as I do, I need to be doing some other exercises. So, I was thinking, should I do more exercises in bed to compensate for this and to be off my feet? One thing for certain, I am going to get down to the bottom of things and to be certain to get my exercises in as well. I am really not thrilled with what I see in my medical team with this one and I need to be able to feel confident that it will be ok.

Hoping. Wishing Caring.