There is much that I do not know and much that I can give testimony about. I can look back at the many months that have passed by and see how much change there has been. I was expressed something a little wihile ago--a week ago, as a matter of fact. For the things that have occurred, I can say that I am not so angry about anymore. I am hurt. The anger has been changed to something more manageable. I am hurt. I am looking forward to the healing to be that I am no longer hurting. I am hoping to move to a point where the hurt is just a dream and all this that has happened is now just a huge and dark memory. Yes, it is a dark memory, but the kind that lingers and has claws and has taken root.
My zones. I must always be concerned about my zones. I hate my shoulders being touched, rubbed and leaned upon. Well, this happened last week. I did not care for this to happend and so many people think that this is an open area for touch, activity and mayhem. Well, maybe not mayhem, but to me it is the same. I cannot explain to others. It would not be ok. But, I can find positions and postures that would indicate that my shoulders are off-limits.
So, this is a segway to other things. Moving along to things of greater importance. There is a threshold that must be examined. Post-care. What do I mean by post-care? I am to remember that what assaulted me and to continue to that which is restorative. I have come to the realization of many things--I am not alone in my journey to wellness from attacks of the unkind. In the process, I must look to find ways of restoration through something that I had never thought of--systems. The dynamics of systems theory is just that within a "system"--medical model, scientific model, criminal justice model--there is quite a bit of information, healing and application to be done. I have examine a system that is not very well applied--religious. This system has so much judgement and must never been exercised like that. Just the same, examining the entire aspect of these systems are equally important. I am boggled and amazed at the same time. I must look and I know that I will find.
What is it that I am looking for? And what is it that I am going to find? Answers! I have questions and I know that answers are there to be found. This will be a very interesting hunting expedition. In an very unexpected place, I saw me mirrored in a make-believe character--Tony Stark. I was watching Iron Man 2 and was amazed when Tony had said that he did not like to be touched. For whatever the reason (not mentioned), it was something that had a very familiar ring. I do not like to be touched. But, I am willing to be touched. I am willing to go the distance to be touched. I am willing to experience the sense of being touched. We know the reason(s) why touching is something that is very uncomfortable. Yes, I have gone so far as to explain the anatomy of a touch. Some may snicker; others might argue. I simple explained. Simple enough. I have to say that I do enjoy working in an environment where we must ask permission to be touched and to touch in return. I do like it. I do not have a phobia of being touched, rather I just must have a certain trust about being touched. The sting of domestic violence that is left behind and has created that sense in me that I do not want to be hurt again. Combined with the cancer/post chemo experience, I just hate the chances. Chemo really stirred me up. But, we shall not go through that again. This is going to be another aspect of walking in wellness. I am going to walk in wellness. I am going to seek wellness. I am well. And, no, this is no dream. It can happen.
Aren't I already well? Yes, certainly. But, I want to be able to move beyond the issue of touching or having difficulty in a small enclosed space that might feel compromising. I hate that feeling. I am not trying to create a situation that does not exist; rather, I am looking forward to examining these feelings and then to dissect and to tackle this to the best of my ability. It will happen. It has happend. It is happening now.
Systems approach for me is going to be incredible. How each aspect examines how to approach rape and sexual assault will be interesting. This is an area that does not get examined as it should and from there, too much is lost in translation. Because it is not discussed like it should, too many go away with so much hurt and problems that are unexplained. Getting to the root. Some end up in more domestic violence, substance abuse, neglect of themselves, personal harm, and locked in the criminal justice system as an offender. I can say, none of that has happened to me. Why? What makes me so different that I would not be part of that? I can say, that it has effected me. In many ways, I do not want to get into an intimate relationship. The cancer has a huge play in this. But, for the most part, I do not want to be in a relationship. I do not know how a man could accept someone like me with issues and scars. Would I create more troubles for this person? How would this change my life? I know that I have brought this up to someone else--she said, "you are not ready for that at this point". Oh! no I am not!! This I know. So, let's move on to things just like that. To discuss many things and to discuss what I need to be working on. I hope that these discussions and postins will be beneficial to those who are working on the issues of their life. It matters not who you are; it matters what has been done to you. You did not ask for this. I did not ask for this. No matter who the person is. Let us move on to what we know we should be doing.
Pushing on. Pressing in. Knowing more.
