It is that time again. I am looking at the anniversary of the day and I recognize that I am in a very challenged mood. I recognize that I am very short tempered and must be in control of my mood and my behavior. This upcoming week is not going to be easy for me and the closer I get to the day, the more frustrated I am going to get. I am hoping that all will be well and that I get through this at the best that I can. This week, I had done my best to explain to PD about what is going on. In retrospect, I can see just how much this has changed my life and how different and separated I am from others. When others do not have any idea what has gone on, they can look at me and see that I am a "unique" person, or "it is just Caren". Yea. That just makes me feel very comfortable and welcoming.
I am different from others. I wish that I did not have this difference from others. As this day gets closer, I am hoping to just keep going and not be available to do many things. However, I am looking at trying to keep busy. I did express to PD that I have every intention on being very tired and to work myself as much as possible to be able to just not think. I am looking very intently at just trying to get past this week. I am hoping to just not share with many people my mood or my thoughts. Not many do understand what has happened and I do not take much pleasure in trying to explain myself to be understood. Times, I really do want to be understood; but, it comes with a great price. That price is the perception that I am different from them and that I will be treated differently from others. For example, T had told me that she had been through something like this but she got over it. Well, that is fine; however, I do not believe that it is true. I find it very difficult to believe that someone could go through something like this and it not change them. When all of this had happened, I was forced to perform. I was forced for months. Despite my efforts, it did not stop and when I was saying no, it made no difference. NO DIFFERENCE. So, this is what matters to me right now. No matter what I say to others, it makes no difference. I tell some that I do not want to be bothered and they do bother me. I do my best to avoid being touched and everyone wants a hug or thinks that being all touchy-feely makes things better. It does not. It does not make me feel better to get that "warm and fuzzy" whatever. For some, the idea of a hug seems to just make it all better. No, a hug does not make it all feel better. As a matter of fact, a hug can only create more troubles. For me, it is more of an issue than a comfort. I have expressed to PD that I come willingly. I will give a hug conditionally. The condition is when I choose to give versus one always at me. I will provide one. But, that is when I know that the expectation is not there. I will surprise. But, I do not want anyone to expect it out of me all the time. It will not happen.
I have discussed before the concept of the anatomy of a hug. I will be explaining that very soon. It is important to understand what that is because it can mean so much to the person giving as well as receiving. Despite what is going on, I really do like to get a hug; but, that hug is a special kind of hug and that hug does not come easily. It is a hug that is not given by many and that is what I have been wanting. I do not believe that hugs are meant for every day [for me]; rather, I believe that hugs are meant for healing and for special and specific purposes. For some, the types of hugs can express a great conversation. For me, it has a specific purpose and plan. This is something very special and very important to me. This kind of hug is meant for healing. Some hugs are meant for greeting. I do not give those away that easily. But, when I do, it is meant as something that is very unique and special. When my head is a lot clearer, I will be working towards that very thing. I am looking forward to something that is very healing and when it is provided, it will not be with a concern of my gender. I hope that one day, there will be that type of hug that will be provided without any concern of the aftermath. I want a hug; I could use a hug. I want to be comforted in my distress.
I know that when I am hugged, it is a pesonal event and I do not care to have many people look and watch. I am a very private person and like to keep things very private. If anyone wants to know, then they can ask. But, in the meantime, my privacy is mine.
Looking on. Pressing in. In my mood.
