So, the new church has been very good. There are some things that I have been wondering. But, one thing for certain is that I have spoken to one of the older pastors about my migraine and being touched. How can I say all of this? How do I explain that the reasons of not being touched runs much deeper? People really do not understand and how could I explain it to them for them to understand? I do not want to take the chances that I need to do. But, what do I do? Should I really explain? One thing of solace that I have had was that as I was trying to explain, this person had said that he was very glad that I was telling him; but, even more so that I was concerned for him and the others to understand despite my pain and difficulty. WOW! how that really touched my heart. At HLCC, that was not always the thoughts that were expressed. I was told that I was pushing people away; I am beginning to see some things more clearly the longer I am away. Do I miss everyone there? I am not sure. I am not sure that I want to think any more about it; but, I know that I have to process things through.
I was told by someone, not that important, that my bitterness should not show. Honestly, the bitterness that I had had before is not the same. I honestly do not feel bitter. I have felt more angry and sad about what has happened; but, I am not that way anymore. I have anger that is much different than what it was before. It is good to be able to understand my feelings and my thoughts; there is nothing wrong with being able to express the feelings deep within. What is wrong is allowing them to take over my life and to allow them to overrun my heart and my mind. The feelings will go away in time. They have thus far. I have received a lot more encouragement from others and that makes so much of a difference.
I have been worried though, about others from the new church knowing more and more. I have clients that attend this church and I must keep things under wraps. I hope that I may have the strength to keep this within me and just the pastors. I cannot afford having anyone else know; it is difficult enough at times.
I am more encouraged, though, about the touching. When I go up for prayer, there is always someone to touch. For several months now, I have been able to keep my thoughts and feelings to myself. I have been able to keep things boxed in and to understand where they are the most difficult. I am beginning to understand what keeps me at bay from others. Right now, it is hard to explain, but as I learn, I will explain more. I know that when I get the feeling of anxiousness, I know that I have reached the point of my limits. So, the goal is to be sure not to allow this to get to the point of anxiousness and to allow a healthy expression of emotions. This I am learning. Life after chemo is not the same and as I express this to others, it is good for them to understand that I just need to know new rules for myself.
I am learning and I am overcoming.
