Connecting the dots

Certainly, there are many aspects of my behavior that I have been working to connect the dots with. Today, I had one that was connected--self-preservation. One of my defense mechanisms is that I do not want to go through what I had experienced again and I feel that I have a certain aspect of self-preservation tht I must experience. This is normal. This is to be expected. However, I must be aware of just how much compensation that I express to maintain self-preservation. This self-preservation is innate to all of us; however, traumatic events usually preserve these feelings and may create an over-exaggeration of behavior. I recognize that my lack of willingness to be touched is just that. While I long to be touched, it is something that is conditional and the person must understand that touch is a priviledge and not just haphazzard.

I am reminded not to take on all of this at once. I know that I am the type of person that will run into things head on. However, over the years, I had learned to just suppress as much as possible. Now, I cannot. You know this already about me. I am working diligently on making sure that I address what is needed to take care of myself.  "Take on only a small bite of the issue a day. If yo ufeel overwhelmed, slow down. If you experience panic, discuss it with your therapist and work on coping skills related to panic attacks." This is very astute! I have experienced this many times and I have chosen to take small pieces at a time; hwover, when these "small bites" get stuck, there is no choice but to force right through it and to get to a point of emotional safety. I have done that with touching. I can only handle so much at a time. Too much over a certain amount of time is just too much.

Panic attacks. I do have them. I do recognize them. I get anxious and things just seem to speed up and do not slow down. Then, I have to recognize that is what is going on and from that point, make a plan of attack. These things will stop and I will recognize that some events are meant to just not be allowed to overwhelm me. Sometimes the whole aspect of having things spin out of control can be so aggravating; then, I realize that the only way for this to stop is when I do. So, I tell things around me to stop. Then, I figure out what has been going on to trigger it and then it gets better. I have learned to communicate what bothers me. I think that I am doing much better at it but I need to continue to press forward. This will not stop me. I will continue. I say it and I keep doing it.

The right rape counselor. So, PM and PD are gone and it has left a hole in me. So, I am in the process of looking for another person. This is not well undestood. I am looking forward to more discussions. The book that I am using has been very helpful as a guide. "Physican heal thyself". So, being more sedate knowing that not everyone is a good rape counselor, I must continue to search for what is needed. I feel that I have openned up and I am laid bare without an avenue to continue. I have been honest and I know that honesty is a greater cure than anything else. It is the honesty of one's own condition and not of mere accepting fault or blame. There is no fault or blame when it comes to being a victim. There is no fault or blame when someone chooses to create an assault. There is not fault or blame when it comes to someone who chooses to hurt you. Accepting the fact that no wrong has been done is difficult; but, it is important to my recovery. I still have a lot of blame and I still have a lot of shame from the act that was done. I know that I must continue to give myself strong positve feedback when I know that I have done nothing wrong. I do know that I deal with shame too much. I do want to get beyond this shame and to continue to a lot more peace. This shame is still so deep.

So, I am stuck. I am stuck at a point where I need to find someone very qualifed to meet my discussions. Thre is still so much to do and so far to go.

Looking on. Seeking further. Reaching out.

Hitting the ground and waiting

There have been so many long days that I have experienced. Hitting the ground and waiting for more things to come. The days are ok. They are long and they are full of expectation. Yes, I do miss PM and PD; however, what I do miss the most is being able to rely upon someone to help process these thoughts and emotions. But, I have come so far that I know that I will be able to address things on my own. The journey is not over yet. The journey is long and it is going to take a lot longer. I realize that because I am not really discussing things openly, I know that I must continue to pursue things for myself.

My thoughts are not vexed; they are not worrisome. My dreams have been good. I know that the days that I have had with PM and PD are not moot. I am looking to continue and to think about the past couple of years, I am full of emotion. So much has gone on and there is nothing that can be done. What are my options now? What am I thinking? I was thinking of other options to continue. I will continue with this blog and will not stop it. I have found that it has been very rewarding to process my thoughts. There have been times when I have felt that I was dry and could not explain another feeling or express any more of my thoughts; but, I continued through. There is a lot in me that still needs to be discussed and I will continue to do that. 

Trust. I still have an issue with trust that has been violated. I trusted to open up and to share the most personal of things at the cost of being treated as though something was very wrong with me. I trusted when there was no idea of how things were going to be accepted, they were laughed, mocked and scoffed. Not all the time or at every time, but my inner conflicts were made open and to my avail, not completely understood. I am tired. 

To understand. How can anyone really understand what has happened? When all of this got stirred up, I had no idea what was going on with me. Then I started to get some answers and then the shock again and again and again. How is it I could live with this experience and bury it so much? I did. I buried it because not many understood what tainted me and why I was so different. I have treated with quite a bit. Then, I get told again and again to keep it buried and to trust very little with how they can help me. I still need to understand what is going on. The battle does continue and it continues at the expense still trying to get answers. But, I realize that I must continue and allow the answers to naturally come to me. 

Why would I want to seek answers? Why would I want to seek a better way of existing and not having to worry about constant touching or being squished in tiny places or even dark, cluttered, trapped places? I think that if I pay attention to it too much, it will really bother me. Too, I do realize that these things must be addressed. They must be continued to be worked with. 

I have been told many things and I am just as determined to meet these places and see them through. I am determined. 

I watched a movie the other day that got me. I had gone home and it was very disturbing to me ... Sleeping with the Enemy. I was at work and it came on. When I had left for home, I felt so anxious. It had me upset for several hours and ... I know. I had to do the mental run-down. It is ok. Why it bothered me at this time I do not know. I have seen it before without such emotion. 

Thinking and working. Working. Thinking.