My thoughts are not vexed; they are not worrisome. My dreams have been good. I know that the days that I have had with PM and PD are not moot. I am looking to continue and to think about the past couple of years, I am full of emotion. So much has gone on and there is nothing that can be done. What are my options now? What am I thinking? I was thinking of other options to continue. I will continue with this blog and will not stop it. I have found that it has been very rewarding to process my thoughts. There have been times when I have felt that I was dry and could not explain another feeling or express any more of my thoughts; but, I continued through. There is a lot in me that still needs to be discussed and I will continue to do that.
Trust. I still have an issue with trust that has been violated. I trusted to open up and to share the most personal of things at the cost of being treated as though something was very wrong with me. I trusted when there was no idea of how things were going to be accepted, they were laughed, mocked and scoffed. Not all the time or at every time, but my inner conflicts were made open and to my avail, not completely understood. I am tired.
To understand. How can anyone really understand what has happened? When all of this got stirred up, I had no idea what was going on with me. Then I started to get some answers and then the shock again and again and again. How is it I could live with this experience and bury it so much? I did. I buried it because not many understood what tainted me and why I was so different. I have treated with quite a bit. Then, I get told again and again to keep it buried and to trust very little with how they can help me. I still need to understand what is going on. The battle does continue and it continues at the expense still trying to get answers. But, I realize that I must continue and allow the answers to naturally come to me.
Why would I want to seek answers? Why would I want to seek a better way of existing and not having to worry about constant touching or being squished in tiny places or even dark, cluttered, trapped places? I think that if I pay attention to it too much, it will really bother me. Too, I do realize that these things must be addressed. They must be continued to be worked with.
I have been told many things and I am just as determined to meet these places and see them through. I am determined.
I watched a movie the other day that got me. I had gone home and it was very disturbing to me ... Sleeping with the Enemy. I was at work and it came on. When I had left for home, I felt so anxious. It had me upset for several hours and ... I know. I had to do the mental run-down. It is ok. Why it bothered me at this time I do not know. I have seen it before without such emotion.
Thinking and working. Working. Thinking.
No comments:
Post a Comment