My thoughts today are very ... uncertain how to explain. While I have been doing very well, I have been pondering about a lot. My flashbacks are stirred up again; but, that is ok. Nothing out of the unusual has been happening. I have been tired from work and from school and this is to be expected. I have not had anything so disturbing that I cannot get through the day. I have been working a lot. The events in the home are being perpetuated and I have come to the resolution that they will continue for a while longer.
I have been thinking of the relationships that I have developed over the past several years. I am amazed at what I have been seeing in others as well as the things that have happened because of them. I am thankful for many things and people. But, they are on my mind. What is it that has happened that has kept them there? I do not know. But, I know that many are on my mind and I am learning to just sit and think about what it is that is keeping them there.
I was thinking about T and about PM. It is odd to refer to him as PM. I refer to him now as MB. It is very strange to not address in the same manner. I have not attended HLCC for some time now and it is getting easier to do. I have been attending CC for the duration. I had found CC last year and was getting to attend on a regular basis. When I have grave shifts, I am unable to make service like I would like to. I have been thinking of them at this new fellowship and wonder about what I want to share with them. What has been heavy on my mind is what JC has told me in times past. I have not called to speak with him at all the past week. There was something that was said to me at the last conversation: "why are you continuing to allow this to bother you?" Well, conversations like this are not all that good. I have been trying to be resolute about what I share and with whom. At times I feel as though the best persons to share with are your bartender and your counselor. But, choose your bartender well. I like to drink for the WELL--my LORD. So, HE is my bartender and serves me living water! SO, I share with HIM.
I realize that JC may no longer be qualified to counsel. I remember telling PD about something and how JC could not answer. He was amazed about it and had said that if he did not know what to say, he could not share otherwise. So, I am seeing things in a different paradigm. What do I say to others about what has happened in the past? Very little. There are those who just do not know what to say or really care to know what to say. But, then again, there are few people that you share your deepest matters with. Certainly. But, when they say that they are there for you, then you really do understand who they are when you do share. Is that any fault of my own or theirs? No. But, it really does make a person feel very poorly when that does not happen like it used to. This is where I am right now. I feel very poorly for sharing with others. I do not want to share with JC anymore. I do not share with MB or PD. And, going to CC now, I am careful about who I share things with as well.
We need to all process through the events of our lives. Yes, that is scriptural. It is called meditation. We must all allow events of our lives to be meditated upon. If we do not, then the events that are traumatic can cause more injury. When I was raped, I did not get the proper counseling. I did not see the importance of it all. The embarrassment of it all was too much. The shame and the guilt that still bubbles up from the whole aspect of what I did. It was not my fault; I did not ask for this horrible event to happen. And now? Many do not realize the importance of sharing now to get rid of it. That injury is there. The scars are visible; but, they are not open wounds anymore. Not anymore. I do not want to discuss these events with anyone new. I do miss having these discussions with MB/PM. I do miss that. Why? He was a safe zone and I was understood; but, even more so, I had developed a rapport and that gave me a level of confidence. However, that rapport was destroyed and it will never be the same again. I am needing that same feeling of comfort again. I would love to continue the discussions. I would love to be able to say just how much a new church is challenging me and how everyone wants to be so "reach out and touch someone". I do not care that much for it. But, no one knows about what I have been going through. And, I have been sharing less and less with others about the kiddo and the cancer stuff. This is not that easy. It is harder than what I would like to say, but it is getting much easier. One day, I know that I will be able to comfortably share and to have just that person to say, "I need to open up to you about things". Yes, I am here. I am doing well.
I have been told that I have done nothing wrong to share. I have been told that I have done nothing wrong in opening up with my inner difficulties. I know that I have not. I do not believe that I will ever feel as though I have done something wrong. But, I do feel hesitatant now because I do not want to take any more chances in losing anyone. It hurts too much.
Looking. Listening. Waiting.
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