Moving to the next thing

So, I had a conversation today with Another G. The conversation was very good and it was reassuring to discuss some things freely. So, the discussion of Sunday came up. I was hugging others. Yes, I was hugging others. But we discussed that when I openly hug others, it is because I will exchange for that. It is with incredible cost that I do that. That night, I had flashbacks. I was determined to get beyond the hugging and touching despite the flashbacks. Yea, I have been told that this appears to be giving mixed messages. I am working diligently to get beyond the boundaries of all of this but it exhausts me. Why do I worry about this so much? I do not want anyone to expect me to always be willing to be touched without a cost or without any kind of visible frustation. I am working on touching on my terms and time schedule. I am not trying to do this on anyone else's schedule. I realize this.

The touching issue runs very deep. I know that I have discussed this before, but it is always important to me. I can touch many people who are strangers. I have no expectation of being touched by them because everyone has their own personal boundaries. For the most part, many strangers do not care to be touched without permission. We look at each other with a recognition of touching. This can be either a touch on the shoulder, arm, a light touch or shrug. We all do this. The non-committal type of hug or touch is non-threatening. I engage in all of these because they are all acceptable. I do not have to worry about the obligation of the other person. Building relationships and friendships require more than just a non-committal kind of hug or touch. Then the obligation comes. The walls must be addressed and from there the boundaries become very defined. Sometimes the walls can move in closer and closer because of perceptions and concepts that might be overwhelming.

For me? It is all of the above. I do not want to get that close to a person for them to understand that I have been "tainted" by rape. This is my personal concept. But, too, the violation of rape creates the boundaries. I think intently about these things because it effects me severely. I do not care to have to relive some things and I do. The flashbacks, for example, are outcomes of the event. I remember the rape. I remember the feelings that I had. I do not relive the rape but I do remember the feelings of isolation, anger, hatred and frustration. I started to experience the feelings of shame not long after that. I remember that I had started to feel funny/wierd. I remember the days that I walked around and could not place the feelings. I remember the days that I just could not sit still at church. I did not understand what was going on; but, I do now. I remember the days that I could not just get involved with things. I did, for the most part, keep going. I recognized that this was rape and I had to push myself to move beyond the assault. I had to tell myself that it was not going to bother me and that it was not going to prevent me from being who I was. But, it did. Some things just remained dormant. I did not realize that the assault bothered me more than what I gave credit for it. Now, today, after so many years the cancer stirred things up. I am beginning to believe that these things were stirred up for a good long time. I do not need to be actively involved with something (some investment) and to sabbotage my career. I do not need that. I am happy to get through this. I need to get throught this.

I do realize that I have quite a bit still to get through. The anger is still there. There is still much that has not been discussed that I have just allowed to be just under the surface. I have accommodated this and have made adjustments according to the events of my life. This does not mean that I have addressed these things. But, I have worked to recognize the behavior. I know what to expect now. I have compensated the behaviors. I avoid certain events and circumstances. I avoid some people. I do not care to be in large groups that I do not have a way to escape. I do not care to be around a lot of men; however, I relate more with men than I do with women. I have worked hard alongside men to build my career.

Do I feel like I want to blame? I am not sure. I have never placed any blame except for myself. No one could have told me about this person. I did not want to believe it. But, when the behavior started, I was in deeper than what I believed. When the rape occurred, I hated him. That is something that I know that I will need to be addressing. I do not know if I have forgiven him; I know that it is important. I have never prayed for him. I have never cared to. I know that I avoid that issue with everything that is in me. I do realize that the day is coming that I will be needing to address this. When? I am not sure.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Realizing on.

When things happen again

I know that I have said it many times that I hate these flashbacks, but I really do. For the most part, these flashbacks happen less frequently and are still very consistent. I have been experiencing them for far too long now and they are driving me nuts. Sometimes I feel like I am going nuts myself. I know that I am not. Just this past weekend, I had some more flashbacks and nightmares. They create sleeplessness thatI do not care for. I do not think anyone cares for such sleeplessness. I know that when these happen, they leave me feeling insecure, with shame and guilt, and anger. I do not care for the way that I feel dirty or nasty after they happen. I wonder at times if I should keep a log of when they happen, the material or the frequency. I can have them any time of the day or night. Just when I feel as though I can move forward with touching, I am vexed again with a flashback and the feeling of being touched creates a whole new issue for me. I try so hard to be able to get to touch some and then a flashback happens and I am pushed again to just feel like I am issolated once again. I do not care for this at all. I do not want to just retreat from all of this and just not be around anyone; this would be wrong. I have to practice a lot of self-discussion and to reassure myself of what is going on.

What am I going to do about all of this? I do a lot of self-discussion/talk. I am working on my spiritual discussion as well and to build my inner strength. The "inner sanctum" in which motivates me to do what is done needs to be protected. As I continue with the chemo and move on to the radiation, I have noticed that I am very anxious about things. Knowing the type of therapy this will be is making me very anxious. I have to ask a lot more questions regarding this and to be ready to push forward. I do not know how this this going to effect/affect me and so I must be prepared for the whole thing. I do not want to retreat but there will be days that it will be necessary. I am not looking forward to the questions and the looks from everyone. I am looking forward to feeling whole. I am not sure how I want to answer some questins from others. I know that some will not ask questions. I know there are some that will not undestand my emotions and so keeping an even keel will be essential. I must learn to practice covering up and hiding things more. The effects of chemo will be done and I will be mending from all of the side effects. I am looking forward to feeling whole once again.

I must remain fixed to the course on this journey. The feelings that I have been left with are very mixed and very unsettling. I have discussed trust, anger, hatred, fear, anxiety and more. I have indicated that some of these emotions I will be addressing again. I do feel that the discussin is coming once again. I have felt such an impending need to have a release of emotion and I know there is still so much buried beneath it all. As I continue to prayerfully move along, I am working on my plan of focus. I do not want to loose the ground that I have made; in the same respect, the ground that I have made does not feel like I have been successful. I have a sneaky feeling that is when I have made the most success.

I have been examining this through my "trust-o-meter" and my "touch-o-meter". I feel that they are equally balanced and linked. I know that there are certain zones of my body that I do not want to have touched. How do I make people realize that I do not want to be touched. I know that Another G understands. But, how do I make others understand that I do not care to be touched?

Pushing on. Pressing on. Waiting on.