So, I had a conversation today with Another G. The conversation was very good and it was reassuring to discuss some things freely. So, the discussion of Sunday came up. I was hugging others. Yes, I was hugging others. But we discussed that when I openly hug others, it is because I will exchange for that. It is with incredible cost that I do that. That night, I had flashbacks. I was determined to get beyond the hugging and touching despite the flashbacks. Yea, I have been told that this appears to be giving mixed messages. I am working diligently to get beyond the boundaries of all of this but it exhausts me. Why do I worry about this so much? I do not want anyone to expect me to always be willing to be touched without a cost or without any kind of visible frustation. I am working on touching on my terms and time schedule. I am not trying to do this on anyone else's schedule. I realize this.
The touching issue runs very deep. I know that I have discussed this before, but it is always important to me. I can touch many people who are strangers. I have no expectation of being touched by them because everyone has their own personal boundaries. For the most part, many strangers do not care to be touched without permission. We look at each other with a recognition of touching. This can be either a touch on the shoulder, arm, a light touch or shrug. We all do this. The non-committal type of hug or touch is non-threatening. I engage in all of these because they are all acceptable. I do not have to worry about the obligation of the other person. Building relationships and friendships require more than just a non-committal kind of hug or touch. Then the obligation comes. The walls must be addressed and from there the boundaries become very defined. Sometimes the walls can move in closer and closer because of perceptions and concepts that might be overwhelming.
For me? It is all of the above. I do not want to get that close to a person for them to understand that I have been "tainted" by rape. This is my personal concept. But, too, the violation of rape creates the boundaries. I think intently about these things because it effects me severely. I do not care to have to relive some things and I do. The flashbacks, for example, are outcomes of the event. I remember the rape. I remember the feelings that I had. I do not relive the rape but I do remember the feelings of isolation, anger, hatred and frustration. I started to experience the feelings of shame not long after that. I remember that I had started to feel funny/wierd. I remember the days that I walked around and could not place the feelings. I remember the days that I just could not sit still at church. I did not understand what was going on; but, I do now. I remember the days that I could not just get involved with things. I did, for the most part, keep going. I recognized that this was rape and I had to push myself to move beyond the assault. I had to tell myself that it was not going to bother me and that it was not going to prevent me from being who I was. But, it did. Some things just remained dormant. I did not realize that the assault bothered me more than what I gave credit for it. Now, today, after so many years the cancer stirred things up. I am beginning to believe that these things were stirred up for a good long time. I do not need to be actively involved with something (some investment) and to sabbotage my career. I do not need that. I am happy to get through this. I need to get throught this.
I do realize that I have quite a bit still to get through. The anger is still there. There is still much that has not been discussed that I have just allowed to be just under the surface. I have accommodated this and have made adjustments according to the events of my life. This does not mean that I have addressed these things. But, I have worked to recognize the behavior. I know what to expect now. I have compensated the behaviors. I avoid certain events and circumstances. I avoid some people. I do not care to be in large groups that I do not have a way to escape. I do not care to be around a lot of men; however, I relate more with men than I do with women. I have worked hard alongside men to build my career.
Do I feel like I want to blame? I am not sure. I have never placed any blame except for myself. No one could have told me about this person. I did not want to believe it. But, when the behavior started, I was in deeper than what I believed. When the rape occurred, I hated him. That is something that I know that I will need to be addressing. I do not know if I have forgiven him; I know that it is important. I have never prayed for him. I have never cared to. I know that I avoid that issue with everything that is in me. I do realize that the day is coming that I will be needing to address this. When? I am not sure.
Pushing on. Pressing on. Realizing on.
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