I know that I have said it many times that I hate these flashbacks, but I really do. For the most part, these flashbacks happen less frequently and are still very consistent. I have been experiencing them for far too long now and they are driving me nuts. Sometimes I feel like I am going nuts myself. I know that I am not. Just this past weekend, I had some more flashbacks and nightmares. They create sleeplessness thatI do not care for. I do not think anyone cares for such sleeplessness. I know that when these happen, they leave me feeling insecure, with shame and guilt, and anger. I do not care for the way that I feel dirty or nasty after they happen. I wonder at times if I should keep a log of when they happen, the material or the frequency. I can have them any time of the day or night. Just when I feel as though I can move forward with touching, I am vexed again with a flashback and the feeling of being touched creates a whole new issue for me. I try so hard to be able to get to touch some and then a flashback happens and I am pushed again to just feel like I am issolated once again. I do not care for this at all. I do not want to just retreat from all of this and just not be around anyone; this would be wrong. I have to practice a lot of self-discussion and to reassure myself of what is going on.
What am I going to do about all of this? I do a lot of self-discussion/talk. I am working on my spiritual discussion as well and to build my inner strength. The "inner sanctum" in which motivates me to do what is done needs to be protected. As I continue with the chemo and move on to the radiation, I have noticed that I am very anxious about things. Knowing the type of therapy this will be is making me very anxious. I have to ask a lot more questions regarding this and to be ready to push forward. I do not know how this this going to effect/affect me and so I must be prepared for the whole thing. I do not want to retreat but there will be days that it will be necessary. I am not looking forward to the questions and the looks from everyone. I am looking forward to feeling whole. I am not sure how I want to answer some questins from others. I know that some will not ask questions. I know there are some that will not undestand my emotions and so keeping an even keel will be essential. I must learn to practice covering up and hiding things more. The effects of chemo will be done and I will be mending from all of the side effects. I am looking forward to feeling whole once again.
I must remain fixed to the course on this journey. The feelings that I have been left with are very mixed and very unsettling. I have discussed trust, anger, hatred, fear, anxiety and more. I have indicated that some of these emotions I will be addressing again. I do feel that the discussin is coming once again. I have felt such an impending need to have a release of emotion and I know there is still so much buried beneath it all. As I continue to prayerfully move along, I am working on my plan of focus. I do not want to loose the ground that I have made; in the same respect, the ground that I have made does not feel like I have been successful. I have a sneaky feeling that is when I have made the most success.
I have been examining this through my "trust-o-meter" and my "touch-o-meter". I feel that they are equally balanced and linked. I know that there are certain zones of my body that I do not want to have touched. How do I make people realize that I do not want to be touched. I know that Another G understands. But, how do I make others understand that I do not care to be touched?
Pushing on. Pressing on. Waiting on.
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