It has been a few weeks since I have shared. I am working on trying to remain consistant about my contributions. For the most part, things are ok. My head days have been within tolerance and my heart days are much the same. But, I have been learning more about what I have been going through and learning about what it is to still be uncomfortable in certain situations. I was pondering my issues of touching today. Yes, touching will always be an issue for me and I do understand that. I remember chating with PD on Sunday last and how everyone is working diligently to encourage me to touch more and to be touched. I wonder about these things. I shudder at the thought of being caught in a group with too many people around. I really do not care to be in a place with so many around; however, I can handle it.
I am learning more about PTSD. It is not uncommon for sufferers to not care to be in enclosed spaces. I thought that I was the only person who did this; seriously, I thought that it was my own personal hangup. I realize that I am not alone in this aspect and look forward to being able to be comfortable in my own skin. I do to a certain degree, however, I look forward to this being just a haze or a shadow of what it should be. It is so uncomfortable to be worrying about things. I have been wandering more at church and am very uncomfortable about sitting down so much. Then again, last weekend I had had serious issues with bronchitis. I had coughed so hard that my chest hurt terribly. I sounded much like a beached elephant seal. Imagine that!
Another aspect that I have been very concerned about is just how much my anger and bitterness is lying just beneath the skin. Too, there have been so many other issues that have been bogging my mind. Having to sort through all the emotional baggage here lately has been a difficult job; but, I have to believe that I am doing what is right. Staying focused is one of the most important tasks for me and at times, I feel like I am going batty. But, I have to remind myself that sorting out emotions is never easy and that I should not be so hard on myself in the meantime.
I do remember being told "I am proud of you for working so hard". That means a lot to me and will always mean a lot to me. Yes, I have been working very hard on things and will not stop until I am happy with the changes that are going on. I am looking forward to some days where the flashbacks are not as bad or the attitude so rough. Some things should not be; yet, other things should prevail. I look forward to those things that prevail much.
Reaching. Planning. Pressing onward.
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