Knock, Knock, and back again

Knock, knock, I am back again. Looking at the day, it has been very long and very demanding. I realize that my own personal biases are bothering me today. I am experiencing my own insecurities once again and I must realize that my own self-discussion must be good. I do realize that regardless the conversation, I must be able to understand that I am the one in control of it. There is no one else.

I feel a little boxed in today. I do not feel like I want to dare to do anything; I realize that I am very tired from so many long days of not getting the quality sleep that I have needed. But, I have done this for so long, I am very accustomed to doing this. But, I am feeling very boxed in and very alone. There is nothing that I have done to instigate anything; however, these are my emotions. These are my feelings. I have recognized that when I experience a little challenge to my daily business, I have a tendency to become very reflexive. I am experiencing this right now.

I have been in communication with PD and PM. I realize that work schedules are very busy; however, if I have been told that communication is welcomed and it is not reciprocated, then I do wonder and question. My emotions are charged; this is all that much more because I have been open and am vulnerable with my emotions. But, when I keep my emotions to myself, I am considered to be guarded and need to be in my own world. Then others do not feel comfortable with that. I am personally wracked with trying to know the balance of this communication when I do not care to be communicated with. So, I express to many; how can I sit and communicate with others when the things that are bothering me are so deep and so easily opened? Why would I like to sit across from the table with anyone and bring a damper to the table or conversation? Why would I want to bring someone else's day down? SO! The question is this now. Why wouldn't I? I wouldn't someone want to say, "let us make your day better and come and join us. We do not mind." I do not have that and so I do my best to not bother anyone.

I always think and wonder about things. I am always concerned if I have bothered someone or have done something wrong. Yes, I am aware that this is much like one of my weakensses. I do my best to work to overcome it. I am diligent to the cause.

Working on. Pressing forward. Knocking again.

In the shadows

I am here. But, where I sit is a place where I must look very carefully at what is going on around me. I am trying to be enigmatic; simply, I am trying to explain what I feel. Where am I supposed to be? What am I supposed to be doing that I am not doing already? I feel a lot of silence ahead of me and I am working diligently on accepting the silence that will be coming ahead. No, it is not that something is drastically going to happen; it is simply a matter of knowing who I can lean upon during this next aspect of my journey. I simply look back and to see what has been going on and what is awaiting for me.

I am looking back at the existance thus far. Trust; fear; indignance; accounability and yet so much more. I look at what I am doing now and see the level of trust and fear that I have been so familiar with--it is changing. My ability to trust is growing and the fear that I have kept so quietly within me is changing. So much is changing.  Healing. Guidance. Instruction. So much has been changing and I am so thankful for that. I still have so much left inside of me but, for the most part, so much as has been removed from me. I am thankful.

I am still looking at flashbacks and dreams. However, they are not as prevelant as they have been in the past. Ha! To think about these in the past tense is amazing. I have been told that I would get through this and be able to look back at all that has been going on and say that it is behind me. There are many things that are behind me; of course. I am very thankful.  How could I not be thankful.

I have mentioned before that I have seen inside this door, many bags. I have come to the threshold and looked inside to see many "bags".  Now, I am updating. It is time. I have felt very comfortable in the shadows and I must find a way to emerge out of the shadows. But, do I really want to do that? I am finding it very comfortable to live in the shadows and to invite others to the shadows versus moving out of the shadows. So, now, it is time to move ou of the shadows and to get that strength in doing so. I must continue, regardless of my efforts and [lack of] strengths.

I have an option. I am accepting the chore and the assignment and moving forward. I am looking into my "bags" and sorting through with as much ability that I can muster. I seek whatever guidance that I may get. I am going to a place where no "man" has gone before. I am excited, scared, eager, determined and hesitant. I know what will win over. See you there.

Pushing forward. Expecting onward. Seeing you there.