In the shadows

I am here. But, where I sit is a place where I must look very carefully at what is going on around me. I am trying to be enigmatic; simply, I am trying to explain what I feel. Where am I supposed to be? What am I supposed to be doing that I am not doing already? I feel a lot of silence ahead of me and I am working diligently on accepting the silence that will be coming ahead. No, it is not that something is drastically going to happen; it is simply a matter of knowing who I can lean upon during this next aspect of my journey. I simply look back and to see what has been going on and what is awaiting for me.

I am looking back at the existance thus far. Trust; fear; indignance; accounability and yet so much more. I look at what I am doing now and see the level of trust and fear that I have been so familiar with--it is changing. My ability to trust is growing and the fear that I have kept so quietly within me is changing. So much is changing.  Healing. Guidance. Instruction. So much has been changing and I am so thankful for that. I still have so much left inside of me but, for the most part, so much as has been removed from me. I am thankful.

I am still looking at flashbacks and dreams. However, they are not as prevelant as they have been in the past. Ha! To think about these in the past tense is amazing. I have been told that I would get through this and be able to look back at all that has been going on and say that it is behind me. There are many things that are behind me; of course. I am very thankful.  How could I not be thankful.

I have mentioned before that I have seen inside this door, many bags. I have come to the threshold and looked inside to see many "bags".  Now, I am updating. It is time. I have felt very comfortable in the shadows and I must find a way to emerge out of the shadows. But, do I really want to do that? I am finding it very comfortable to live in the shadows and to invite others to the shadows versus moving out of the shadows. So, now, it is time to move ou of the shadows and to get that strength in doing so. I must continue, regardless of my efforts and [lack of] strengths.

I have an option. I am accepting the chore and the assignment and moving forward. I am looking into my "bags" and sorting through with as much ability that I can muster. I seek whatever guidance that I may get. I am going to a place where no "man" has gone before. I am excited, scared, eager, determined and hesitant. I know what will win over. See you there.

Pushing forward. Expecting onward. Seeing you there.