Knock, Knock, and back again

Knock, knock, I am back again. Looking at the day, it has been very long and very demanding. I realize that my own personal biases are bothering me today. I am experiencing my own insecurities once again and I must realize that my own self-discussion must be good. I do realize that regardless the conversation, I must be able to understand that I am the one in control of it. There is no one else.

I feel a little boxed in today. I do not feel like I want to dare to do anything; I realize that I am very tired from so many long days of not getting the quality sleep that I have needed. But, I have done this for so long, I am very accustomed to doing this. But, I am feeling very boxed in and very alone. There is nothing that I have done to instigate anything; however, these are my emotions. These are my feelings. I have recognized that when I experience a little challenge to my daily business, I have a tendency to become very reflexive. I am experiencing this right now.

I have been in communication with PD and PM. I realize that work schedules are very busy; however, if I have been told that communication is welcomed and it is not reciprocated, then I do wonder and question. My emotions are charged; this is all that much more because I have been open and am vulnerable with my emotions. But, when I keep my emotions to myself, I am considered to be guarded and need to be in my own world. Then others do not feel comfortable with that. I am personally wracked with trying to know the balance of this communication when I do not care to be communicated with. So, I express to many; how can I sit and communicate with others when the things that are bothering me are so deep and so easily opened? Why would I like to sit across from the table with anyone and bring a damper to the table or conversation? Why would I want to bring someone else's day down? SO! The question is this now. Why wouldn't I? I wouldn't someone want to say, "let us make your day better and come and join us. We do not mind." I do not have that and so I do my best to not bother anyone.

I always think and wonder about things. I am always concerned if I have bothered someone or have done something wrong. Yes, I am aware that this is much like one of my weakensses. I do my best to work to overcome it. I am diligent to the cause.

Working on. Pressing forward. Knocking again.