Now, I know what comes my way. It has come. Last week, I was able to discuss with PM about things. It has been a couple weeks since my last post. I have been somewhat busy. Finals and all that wonderful stuff. But, nothing so incredibly impacting than what was said last week. Yes, I am forward and outspoken. Yes, I say what is on my mind. Yes, the past couple of years have been incredible for me. In November, I had sent one of the final emails of honesty and heart wrenching thoughts to both PM and PD. This has been it. I knew something was on the way and now I know. Last week, after all of this, there has been a parting of the ways. I was told, last week, that HLCC can no longer "meet my needs".
What can I say about all of this? What have I been saying about all of this from the beginning? "You need to share" is what I remember that started all of this and I had responded with "you cannot handle my share". Yes, I was outspoken. No, I did not hold my tongue. Pushed and pressed, I have said what I have said. What gets me to no end was that at this point, PM wanted "all of us" to meet at the office and to discuss this. Well, it was going to be a three to one meeting. No. I can hardly see that happening. I cannot see that this is something that would be making me happy or comfortable. But, to make matters better, "I can email you with the issues". Certainly, I do not plan to have that emailed to me. It matters to me no more. So, I did email him to let him know that it did not matter what was going on and that I wished him the best in the events of HLCC. It was his suggestion that he email me with the issues because I communicate better online than I do face-to-face.
As I look back, I look at what has been going on. Yes, you know everything that has been going on and of course, there are things that will always be seen easier. My thoughts are running through my heart in ways that I cannot express. I was leery about many things and I was uncertain about things. "Trust me." Why? Sharing what I have been sharing is not easy. It is not something that I particularly care to have many around me, close to me, to know. I have hid these things for a very long time and I have been certain about so many things; now, I am certain about even more. Caution must be emphasized when addressing all of this with anyone else.
Now, I go to church in the adjacent county. I was told that the current church is not the place for me. What are the issues? You can imagine--texting, calling, emailing. Oh, yea. I did tell PM and PD that the policies of the church were not good and too rigid and that they needed to change. Yes, I was forward and ballsy. But, I will not change in that regard. I have been told many things and I have said many things. These things are not going to be apologized for any time soon.
I know that I must continue to work on many things and will not stop. Yes, the past several months have been most difficult and must not be something that will stop me from wanting to move forward with. I have seen so much the past couple of years that no one should ever have to go through. But, even more so, there are things that I will not ever stop believing. There are things that I am more determined to complete than ever. Yes, I will consider visiting time to time, but not anytime soon. I must be willing to deal with what has been done and to move forward without hatred or animosity. That is not what it is all about.
Believing. Pushing. Pressing in.
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