Just a smoke screen

For the past several weeks, I have had the most unbearable headaches/migraines. I certainly do hate them. This has been so powerful that I have had little function for too long. Yes, I have made it to work and back and headed back to bed or just vegged at the t.v. I know things are bothering me, but the migraines have been my smoke screen. I have had little effort to think about things in all of this. Did I say how much things are so busy again? Well, to be perfectly honest, they have been far too unbearable and the days have been so long and hard; but, I am here. I have been so physically tired that I have wanted to fall asleep driving; but, of course, I know it is not going to happen.

Since the end of December, my personal events have been trying. Yes, PM and PD have indicated that "we can no longer meet your needs". There is no need to rehash all that has been going on. It is not the point. The point is quite good actually. Strange and good at the same time. Some emails were sent out; one of which I did not read. I sent it to a friend, and she told me that it was not polite. After all of this; it comes to an end. I am glad about that. But, my journey will continue. I have an itinary that cannot stop and it will continue to the day that I feel that it is going well. It has been much better than it has for a while and that gives me a great reason to take a deep breathe and move on. I can breathe. But, I know that the journey to wellness is incremental. I am thankful that when this all started, I knew that I had to do something. I did not realize that 20 years ago I would be set on this journey. I did not realize the pursuit of all things normal would be a lifelong journey. It is going to be good.

I have noticed one thing. All is quiet. I have no one to challenge me or to challenge in return. I feel that I am "on hold" for the duration. I feel good; however, I am concerned about being stirred up again with respect to these matters. I know that my anger is still very deep. I know that my thoughts run very deep as well. And, I do know that my emotions are very much at the surface. These emotions are of what has been going on over the past couple of years since my cancer diagnosis. Some topics of discussion are ok and do not cause as much emotional turmoil. Some things I am looking at learning to walk away; others seem as though I am climbing a rocky cliff. Picturesque as it may be; I have much that needs to be discussed yet. I want to get to the core of all of this and I will. Why? I know that others can see differences in me and I would like to be able to feel normal. It can be quite tiring to always feel as though I am different. I am. But, I know I am the only one that feels that way. I have a different normal of restrictions. One thing that I am at ease about is that I do not have anyone trying to touch me a lot or even trying to be overly fondling. Sometimes I feel like Emperor Cuzco and "no touchee". I know what I can tolerate and I know what I need to be challenged with. There is no one to challenge me in this. I feel ok with this at the moment. But, I cannot get overly comfortable. I realize that my own limitations must be challenged and new boundaries created. I can do this! I must do this.

So, what boundaries must I examine? What smoke screen is there now? These migraines are the biggest hurdle at the moment. I have been challenged with a lot of them for too long. Where do they come from? Post chemo life has given me chronic migraines. But, there are triggers. When I am stressed and tired, I am easily triggered. Scents and colognes are the guilty culprits. Too many times I had asked PM to stop wearing the colognes. So, these migraines have been so profoundly bothersome. Too, they are so bad at times, I do not like anyone to get too close. I have to work extra hard to not bite off someone's head. I would love to just have the world go away.

But, all of this said, I look back and now I get to look forward. I am in my comfort zone and I think that is where I need to be for the time being. I am not going to fight it. I have been so tired from being sick. It is time to rest. It will be time to stretch soon enough.

Looking. Seeking. Finding. Stretching.