Roller derby

Without a doubt, I have been keeping myself busy. For a great certainty, I have been continuing on as though I were in a roller derby. I seem to continue in circles around a rink; there are other members of my "team" that are keeping a close eye on the opposing team and we link up to make sure that no one passes. But, when someone does pass, it becomes an issue to skate faster, link up and knock them out of the game and over the railing. But, the issue is to not get too close to the railing or I will end up over it. I feel that I need to get to the inside of the rink and to continue to look out for what is coming behind.

I am driven. I have been told this a couple of times now. I am driven. Sure! I am. I am determined to continue to be more than just what I am right now. So, what am I? Am I a survivor or am I an overcomer? Both! These days I have not felt too much of a sting of things; but, I do feel them. I have not been challenged much and I am very careful and certain to keep away from things that might challenge me. Since I have been told, "we can no longer meet your needs", I have been happy to accept some quiet. However, one day, several weeks ago, I had been approached from behind at church. I was sitting down and one of the men came up slowly, carefully, and from that point announced himself and then touched. Well! That is more like it! He did not know what my issues were, but I did see him coming up, and then was prepared for the initiation of the conversation. I like that. I wish that PD and PM could have understood that. But, unfortunately, not so much for them.

I am working on many things, still. I must. It is an important factor of the life. There will always be something that will stick with me; but, they do not have to overwhelm me. My fears are still there. My insecurities are still there. I do cry. I do hate what has been stirred up in me. But, I cannot allow this to incapacitate me. I will not allow it to happen. I have been allowing more touching. I have been allowing more closeness. I can work on this more carefully with no one knowing my issues. The other church is gone and no one can understand what I have been enduring during the duration. I choose not to allow others to understand. This is my walk and my journey.

So, as I have discussed in the past, I will continue. Much like the room that I am in, my emotions are very open and available to be seen. Sometimes I get very embarrassed at them and sometimes I do not care. Having such incredible hormone running around in me like craziness after chemo, I am still working to get a grip on my tears. For so long, I kept them in. Now, I have to allow them to come out very carefully and very succinctly. I am working diligently on making sure that these things are allowed to surface carefully. I am doing this. I will do this. I can do this.

My dreams are ok as well. I had one dream the other night that was a little stressful; but, not overwhleming or mindboggling. Things feel much better today. I know that stormy weather is coming and I am prepared for it.

Looking. Waiting. Sailing.