Once more around the block

Once more around the block, please. Yes, this seems to be one more added thing these days. Over the past couple of years, there have beem many things going on. Yes, I see that. I look back and wonder about outcomes and inputs. So much has gone before me and I have discussed this with many. But, the discussions are taking its toll. I remember saying to PM that sharing would not be a good idea and that he could not handle my share. Yes, I was correct. I can see, hindsight being 20/20 that I was correct. So, what to be done now. Yes, my mind seems to be thinking about so much.

It has been nearly 6 months since I have been at HLCC. It has been nearly 3 months since I have communicated with PM--PD is different. For some reason, it does not seem to be something that is accepted. The judicial mandate coming down to the wire. I have been very careful to not approach some things with some persons. I will not give up. I will not accept the final decision of some things. I am experiencing some very intriguing thoughts and emotions. What people have been telling me is very conflicting, and my goal now is to go through what has been said and to get some correct answers. Soon, it will be time to start writing and to create some literature from all of this. Will this start tomorrow? Yes, but not the immediate. I still have so much more to go.

I have not been able to get into my handbook lately; this year has brought so much personal health difficutlies and so I have had to address those altogether. But, as I will continue, I will be sure and certain to start creating a manuscript about what has gone on. From the beginning, I had the attention. Now, things have been left to the wayside. For so many who have experienced these sorts of things, it is difficult for them to seive through and to determine what is right or wrong. So many in churches all around the country and globe are told some very interesting things; but, even more so, too many people are not qualified or capable of helping those individuals who have been victimized by their mates/spouces. We will conquor and we will be determined that this will do better than what it has been before.

I am tired. I have been tired for a long, long time. I can see that all of this is working hand in hand. I am tired of the struggle and how to compensate. Now that I attend a different church, I am compensating quite a bit. I do not like it. I wonder when I am going to stop compensating. I do not want anyone to know what I have been through at this new church. I have been attending it, now, for nearly a year. I was attending one service a week for a bit, then started to attend during more services. I have been accepted more and I am trying to get more involved and just allow some things (my emotions) to naturally extinguish. I find myself missing the old church and wanting to email or call. But, I have to really discipline myself and not do it. When I have found myself just feeling odd, and needing, I want to call or text. But, I find myself fighting that more and more. I look forward to not wanting to have any communication whatsoever. But, of all people, he understands the most. Really.

I have had more flashbacks this week as well. It has been very difficult. Usually the same thing. Remember, no matter what anyone says, speaking nasty sexual language to your partner to get them get into the moment is not ok. Remember, respect the intimacy and learn a love language. It will last longer and remain in your heart sweeter.

I have been stressed and so these flashbacks have worsened again. I would like to text PD but I am not sure. I would like to tell PJ and PC. But, I am not sure how that will sit. I have to be able to withstand and endure this. These conversations with new people may not be good. The conversations with the current ones may be getting too burdensome.

This is a huge concern with anyone who wants to pursue and overcome. The content of conversation is not always easy to handle and not many are well trained for such things. Know who your support may be. Know that with that support, there will not be a rush to get to the other side. Know that when you are in that journey, it will require the assistance of someone else. Know that it is ok to have those feelings and to understand that the journey is not meant for you to complete it alone. Be strong and of good cheer. It will get better.

Reminding. Seeking. Knowing.

Roller derby

Without a doubt, I have been keeping myself busy. For a great certainty, I have been continuing on as though I were in a roller derby. I seem to continue in circles around a rink; there are other members of my "team" that are keeping a close eye on the opposing team and we link up to make sure that no one passes. But, when someone does pass, it becomes an issue to skate faster, link up and knock them out of the game and over the railing. But, the issue is to not get too close to the railing or I will end up over it. I feel that I need to get to the inside of the rink and to continue to look out for what is coming behind.

I am driven. I have been told this a couple of times now. I am driven. Sure! I am. I am determined to continue to be more than just what I am right now. So, what am I? Am I a survivor or am I an overcomer? Both! These days I have not felt too much of a sting of things; but, I do feel them. I have not been challenged much and I am very careful and certain to keep away from things that might challenge me. Since I have been told, "we can no longer meet your needs", I have been happy to accept some quiet. However, one day, several weeks ago, I had been approached from behind at church. I was sitting down and one of the men came up slowly, carefully, and from that point announced himself and then touched. Well! That is more like it! He did not know what my issues were, but I did see him coming up, and then was prepared for the initiation of the conversation. I like that. I wish that PD and PM could have understood that. But, unfortunately, not so much for them.

I am working on many things, still. I must. It is an important factor of the life. There will always be something that will stick with me; but, they do not have to overwhelm me. My fears are still there. My insecurities are still there. I do cry. I do hate what has been stirred up in me. But, I cannot allow this to incapacitate me. I will not allow it to happen. I have been allowing more touching. I have been allowing more closeness. I can work on this more carefully with no one knowing my issues. The other church is gone and no one can understand what I have been enduring during the duration. I choose not to allow others to understand. This is my walk and my journey.

So, as I have discussed in the past, I will continue. Much like the room that I am in, my emotions are very open and available to be seen. Sometimes I get very embarrassed at them and sometimes I do not care. Having such incredible hormone running around in me like craziness after chemo, I am still working to get a grip on my tears. For so long, I kept them in. Now, I have to allow them to come out very carefully and very succinctly. I am working diligently on making sure that these things are allowed to surface carefully. I am doing this. I will do this. I can do this.

My dreams are ok as well. I had one dream the other night that was a little stressful; but, not overwhleming or mindboggling. Things feel much better today. I know that stormy weather is coming and I am prepared for it.

Looking. Waiting. Sailing.