Once more around the block, please. Yes, this seems to be one more added thing these days. Over the past couple of years, there have beem many things going on. Yes, I see that. I look back and wonder about outcomes and inputs. So much has gone before me and I have discussed this with many. But, the discussions are taking its toll. I remember saying to PM that sharing would not be a good idea and that he could not handle my share. Yes, I was correct. I can see, hindsight being 20/20 that I was correct. So, what to be done now. Yes, my mind seems to be thinking about so much.
It has been nearly 6 months since I have been at HLCC. It has been nearly 3 months since I have communicated with PM--PD is different. For some reason, it does not seem to be something that is accepted. The judicial mandate coming down to the wire. I have been very careful to not approach some things with some persons. I will not give up. I will not accept the final decision of some things. I am experiencing some very intriguing thoughts and emotions. What people have been telling me is very conflicting, and my goal now is to go through what has been said and to get some correct answers. Soon, it will be time to start writing and to create some literature from all of this. Will this start tomorrow? Yes, but not the immediate. I still have so much more to go.
I have not been able to get into my handbook lately; this year has brought so much personal health difficutlies and so I have had to address those altogether. But, as I will continue, I will be sure and certain to start creating a manuscript about what has gone on. From the beginning, I had the attention. Now, things have been left to the wayside. For so many who have experienced these sorts of things, it is difficult for them to seive through and to determine what is right or wrong. So many in churches all around the country and globe are told some very interesting things; but, even more so, too many people are not qualified or capable of helping those individuals who have been victimized by their mates/spouces. We will conquor and we will be determined that this will do better than what it has been before.
I am tired. I have been tired for a long, long time. I can see that all of this is working hand in hand. I am tired of the struggle and how to compensate. Now that I attend a different church, I am compensating quite a bit. I do not like it. I wonder when I am going to stop compensating. I do not want anyone to know what I have been through at this new church. I have been attending it, now, for nearly a year. I was attending one service a week for a bit, then started to attend during more services. I have been accepted more and I am trying to get more involved and just allow some things (my emotions) to naturally extinguish. I find myself missing the old church and wanting to email or call. But, I have to really discipline myself and not do it. When I have found myself just feeling odd, and needing, I want to call or text. But, I find myself fighting that more and more. I look forward to not wanting to have any communication whatsoever. But, of all people, he understands the most. Really.
I have had more flashbacks this week as well. It has been very difficult. Usually the same thing. Remember, no matter what anyone says, speaking nasty sexual language to your partner to get them get into the moment is not ok. Remember, respect the intimacy and learn a love language. It will last longer and remain in your heart sweeter.
I have been stressed and so these flashbacks have worsened again. I would like to text PD but I am not sure. I would like to tell PJ and PC. But, I am not sure how that will sit. I have to be able to withstand and endure this. These conversations with new people may not be good. The conversations with the current ones may be getting too burdensome.
This is a huge concern with anyone who wants to pursue and overcome. The content of conversation is not always easy to handle and not many are well trained for such things. Know who your support may be. Know that with that support, there will not be a rush to get to the other side. Know that when you are in that journey, it will require the assistance of someone else. Know that it is ok to have those feelings and to understand that the journey is not meant for you to complete it alone. Be strong and of good cheer. It will get better.
Reminding. Seeking. Knowing.
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