I have been thinking ...

Well, I have been thinking ... I am always reflecting upon daily events and what I am to do next. So, this past week, I have been thinking about all of my doctor's appointments. There is always so much to do and to keep things organized is so very important. I have a new filing tub for my papers and will be working on organizing one tub specifically for my cancer material. There are a lot of things to organize in them and how to place things in order is what I will be working on. Lab work. Post visit summaries. Notes, notes, notes. Where to begin.

I have been thinking. My thoughts have been on my family and what they are doing. I have not heard from anyone: no emails, phone calls, letters, texts. I think about that time to time. I try not to let that dominate my thoughts; it would be quite depressing if I did. I hate having to be the one that is always making that extra step to keep everyone informed. I hate always having to talk about my thoughts and feelings to the family when they really do not want to know.

On the positive side: I know that times can be quite frustrating and making sure that I have "On the Positive Note" always ready. I have been getting organized. For me, this is very important. While my bedroom also doubles for my "office", it can get quite busy in here. I have having my office in my bedroom because when I want to sleep, I think about the chores that I need to be getting done. For the most part, I try very carefully to shut my mind down from all the things that I want to get done. I joke around and say that life after chemo is not the same--I am more OCD than I was before. Yea, I said it. So, I have to allow my thoughts to be honest and succinct.

I know that one thing that I have learned over the past several years is to be honest about things with myself and others. At the beginning of being re-diagnosed, I had a hard time learning about what this cancer was all about. I had to quickly get over it because learning about this disease means that I must be ready to help myself when others are not available to help me out. I have learned to really just grapple with honesty to the fullest. So, when I go into the doctors' offices, I must be willing to describe every bit of symptom and side effect. It is NOT easy; I have to stay on top of my terminology and understand what they are talking about.

One thing that I have been wondering about is just how much I do not know about what is going on with me. Yes, while I must know what is, I know what is not. I know that I am not an RN, or MD, or DO, or ND, or ARNP. There are things that I must learn to ask. I also have to be easy on myself when I do not get something correct. So, I have the grace with some. But I have been at this now for some time and they, meaning docs and nurses, have seen me in some very difficult days. One difficulty that I have is to always be calm despite the amount of stress the procedures and tests may create. I must be very aware of how vocal I can be about what is going on. Sometimes, I can be rude and I must be careful about not getting rude. Certainly, while treating cancer patients, there is a serious need for strong control. But, when you are around death all the time, it can make things very trying. So, I must be very careful about what I say. I have no excuse to be rude or intentionally difficult.

I have been thinking ...

Looking out. Looking in. Looking forward.