Sometimes there really is nothing to say but breathe

Today, my heart is really hurting. I feel at loss as to what to say. For the most part, I know that I am very upset and angry and am working carefully to not break down to tears. Honestly, I seriously am concerned about who I would break down with. This cancer trail has left me quite alone with very little friends to rest my head. As you already know, I have been working on trying to figure out all the meds and the docs. Several weekends ago, I had a very difficult time with a reaction and from that point in a lot of pain. I had called the Triage nurse and left messages. I had left messages with my MA as well. So, no responses back and I had brought this up with my Doc as well as the office. Today, of all days, my inquiries with the doc about my glucose strips and I get an email from the nurse that did not feel that it was important to give me a call back when I was in a lot of pain and discomfort. When I had seen the email, I was immediately inflamed. I just have no words to say that would adequately express how I feel. I am very upset and very angry. Having both my MA and RN not return my calls has been very hurtful. Not that they are my friends, because that is not what this is about. They are not friends; developing a strong therapeutic alliance with my medical team is very important. When they cannot fulfill a simple task that is necessary for my care, I get very worried and concerned. I am concerned that my care is too much for them and they are not able to take care of me. My greatest worry! I have had a lot of people leave because of this cancer. For them, there is a worry and concern that my dying will be very ugly and they would not be able to handle it. Some people just do not understand the loneliness behind this disease--this invasion.

When I am able to, I will certainly be asking my office personnel if my care is too much for them. Today, when I spoke with one of the office personnel, I did ask. Is my care too much for them? Certainly, I was told that it was something best answered by my doc. Certainly, I will ask and I am not afraid to hear the answer. When I told my Oncologist, she said that she hoped that the Primary would be a bit more "transparent". Yes, honesty goes a long, long way.

I know that my feelings run really deep. It would not matter if it was this doctor or another. I want a strong therapeutic alliance that I can trust and know that if something were to happen to me, I would be in good hands. At this point, I am not sure.

Sometimes there really is nothing to say but breathe.