Well, after quite a while, I am blogging again. I cannot believe that it has been that long since my last entry. Well, I am going to try and keep this moving and be sure to add more entries.
What is the reason for my entry? Well, just recently, within the past couple of weeks, I had an appointment with one of my colleagues regarding a diagnosis in my file. When I had first seen my primary, and had explained some things in my medical history, he added PTSD to my file without addressing it with me. It is always good to address things with the patient so they are able to understand what is to come. I remember when he had wanted to send me to a Psychiatrist regarding all of this; but, it was not what he said, but how he said it. He was dancing all around waving his arms saying, "Oh my GOD, what you need is a psychiatrist!" Sure! This is going to make me feel very welcomed and eager to just move on to the next Doctor So-n-So! Well, I had said no that it was not going to happen.
When I had seen that in my file, I had wondered if that really was a concern for me. After a while, I studied what it meant and so, I had mulled it around. I had noticed that he had started to treat me differently--not willing to touch me with fears of "triggering" something in me. When I had told him, repeatedly, that it would not get triggered, he did not listen. So, I took the opportunity to make some changes. Having my doctor unwilling to touch me was very hard to swallow, but have had to. While the whole aspect of touching is passing, and it feels like a nightmare ago, things are very much so subsiding. I am currently waiting on some calls about getting a new doctor. I have not had a call yet. I am hesitant to go back to this doctor in the meantime.
So, I had this appointment with my colleague and guess what? The inventory and assessment did not indicate PTSD. So, when this was finalized, I called my doctor's office and asked about having this removed from my file. I spoke with the medical records department and they put in a request to have this removed from my file. Doctor sent me an email message and was very intrigued about this. I realize that this is going to be a storm before it all calms down. But, I know one thing. I want this out of my file before I move onto another doctor. But, too, the letter that I will receive from my colleague will be in my file and that will be all the difference. No matter where I go, that letter will also be there in the file.
I was asked by my colleague how this would impact my relationship with my primary. Well, things have been challenging to begin with. I really liked this doctor but now? I am not sure and am very uncertain about when and how things will be changed. There have been many times that he has been afraid to touch me when examining me. His hesitancy has been noted. Sometimes I wonder if he was sick that day when they were teaching about patient care. Just the same, I am looking forward to resolving this matter. If I can, I will not return back to him. I hate to say that, but this is getting to me quite a bit.
Too, he never has discussed the rape with me. If he was so inclined to diagnose me, he has never thought to discuss this matter with me. I know, just like cancer, rape is not something that is just discussed over the dinner table. This was date rape and I knew my attacker. For many women around the world, they may not have known their attackers. I knew mine and that makes the victimization just a bit different. I do not trust like I used to. The violation is just that much different. If I had been attacked by an unknown assailant, that would make things worse, I am sure. I feel for the women who never knew their attackers. But, I knew mine. I am glad that I never have to see this person again. If I had to, I would move away and not ever return. But, my doctor. I wonder if he is afraid of discussing this with me. I don't like the idea that he is uncertain about this part of care.
My thoughts about him are very frustrating. I look forward to getting some clarity in these matters. I am looking forward to getting this letter and then from there being able to have it in my permanent record.
Listening. Waiting. Watching.
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