Feelings

For the most part, when I had first learned of my diagnosis of cancer, I was plunged into a world of multiple medical appointments and many people touching me and being shuffled around. I had begun to experience many emotions bubbling to the surface that I had not felt in a very long time. I suppose these feelings have been there lying dormant for some time. Looking back, I have always been a person that has never shared or expressed her feelings openly. My emotions were conditionally shared in safe environments. What are these and where did they come from?

Fear. I have been afraid to allow people to see my emotions . My emotions have been a very deep, strong force of mine. When I do experience my emotions, they are not something to be just tossed around. In my experience, emotions were considered manipulative and a "woman's way of getting back at men." (I must say that this is as far from the truth as it possibly can be. We should not allow others' issues to be our own. That is classic transference.) I had not been able to express these emotions freely. I suppose that they were crippled to a certain degree. However, I have expressed my feelings and when I did, a person that honed in on my vulnerability gained my trust and then catapulted me into what we have today.

Distrust. I have noticed that I have become distrustful. Emotions have a way of stirring up other thought processes and thought disorders that create separation. Distrust is one of the ugliest of them all. It can separate an individual when they are at their weakest and their most neediest time. However, distrust is broken when fear is salved and confidence restored through connection with other people. I am still working on that.

Lack of connection. I have fought with these emotions for such a long time, that I have been in a continuous state of assessing myself. There have been times where I have been very free and willing to just relax. However, when difficult times comes, I retreat to what I am comfortable with. This comfort level is being changed and I am willing to be challenged. I have asked to be challenged and this is the outcome of that challenge.

There is more to come.

Pressing on. Walking on. Approaching doors.

Insufficiencies within victimization

Although this sexual assault happened many years ago, I had not taken the time to really address it. Many of my friends quickly dismissed it and would not discuss it. Their demeanor towards this was very apparent and being open about things would never happen. Perhaps I started to change; this I am not certain of. I know that from that point onward, I worked harder on me and digging into my classwork and coursework. I was registered at a local community college at the time and was taking classes in Criminal Justice and Political Science. I had also been attending regular services at my church and becoming very active within our singles group. I was beginning to really feel some freedoms that I had not experienced in some time. Coming out of a bad marriage left me with quite a bit of distrust in myself and uncertainty about the "big bad world".

Along with a long-time friend, we were starting to "let our hair down" and play around. She was the flirtatious one; I was the quiet and head strong one. Almost the voice of wisdom and logic. Just the same, we started to really have a lot of fun with some of the other singles. I had met a man who I would have a long-time friendship with until his death a couple of years ago. I met another man who was just the hoot; however, he was not what I was looking for in a husband. He had proposed to me several times before my divorce and then volunteered to go to Germany when the first Gulf War was gearing up. He ended up marrying another one of my friends who had dated my would-be rapist. How intertwined this had become.

Months passed and I soon fell into a "brat pack" of guys. I have always related more toward the guys than the gals. I was called Caren Marie by many and I loved it. I have not been called that since then. Looking back, it seems like a lifetime ago. I used to get called by many nick-names and terms of endearment; I do not anymore. That camaraderie is not there anymore. There are times that I wish it were there. There was a certain amount of comfort knowing that terms of endearment are given to you from close friends and family. I have not had that experience in too long. For the most part, the guys knew that I was "true blue" but that I was a little sister--really. Everyone is taller than me.

The dynamics of the singles group had started to change. This person came from another church and the rumor that had been coming along was that he had come with some issues of his own. Although I am not a one for rumors and gossips, I paid no attention to what I had heard. I had gotten closer to him in friendship. He gained my trust when I would leave the church to cry or to walk around the parking lot; this was very apparent that I was having some issues not understanding my emotions. Holidays were hard because there was no one to share them with. But even more so, I was just mending from a bad marriage. Little did I know that this was the time most crucial about gaining my confidence and establishing a presence to develop a relationship. I would not know what was going to come and I was not careful about it either.

More to share and more to digest. Pressing on. Pushing on. Opening doors.

Things

I have mentioned "things" multiple times and it is time to define "things". This section of my blog is going to be designated to defining the emotional "things" that I have been reluctant to speak of publicly. It is time. While I am not a fan of the term "baggage", it is best to define a course of action. I prefer "rooms". The human mind and heart has a way of closing off "rooms" to protect itself from trauma and the resurgence that trauma can do--Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is just one of the examples of such. While some may have unopened doors to these rooms, some rooms come with great cautions of never to be opened. We will discuss that succinctly. Some details may be omitted for personal reasons; however, the discussion will be the same. There is no greater importance than to address the emotional sides of healing and to be sure that there is a moderator to see the journey through. Do you have one? We shall begin.

Marching on! Pressing on! Unlocking doors!

What is the next step

So, the next step is what? There are many things to do. I have purchased oils, lotions, ointments and to continue with what I know. My health literacy began this previous summer. There are many things that I am learning and things that I am addressing that I have not wanted to address. This battle has really affected my emotions and this is my next big battle. During this, a family member passed away and I am helpless to be part of the family healing. I ask "what about me?" Sure, I am a strong woman, but I hurt just so much with the loss of my Aunt. But, grieving should not stop me from moving forward.

I have been experiencing rolls of emotions that must be identified and then attacked one by one. I know one that has been--violation. This violation years ago has left a deep stain that many do not understand. I was told "girl, get over it!". I have never told anyone the full details and I wonder about what the impact will be when I do share these things. What will happen when I share these things. Fault, blame, shame, humiliation and the evil cousins of this are coming out from the shadows. Let us move along on these things.

Today, my body really hurts. I am really looking forward to a great long soak in the bathtub and to relax.

Rocking on!