Feelings

For the most part, when I had first learned of my diagnosis of cancer, I was plunged into a world of multiple medical appointments and many people touching me and being shuffled around. I had begun to experience many emotions bubbling to the surface that I had not felt in a very long time. I suppose these feelings have been there lying dormant for some time. Looking back, I have always been a person that has never shared or expressed her feelings openly. My emotions were conditionally shared in safe environments. What are these and where did they come from?

Fear. I have been afraid to allow people to see my emotions . My emotions have been a very deep, strong force of mine. When I do experience my emotions, they are not something to be just tossed around. In my experience, emotions were considered manipulative and a "woman's way of getting back at men." (I must say that this is as far from the truth as it possibly can be. We should not allow others' issues to be our own. That is classic transference.) I had not been able to express these emotions freely. I suppose that they were crippled to a certain degree. However, I have expressed my feelings and when I did, a person that honed in on my vulnerability gained my trust and then catapulted me into what we have today.

Distrust. I have noticed that I have become distrustful. Emotions have a way of stirring up other thought processes and thought disorders that create separation. Distrust is one of the ugliest of them all. It can separate an individual when they are at their weakest and their most neediest time. However, distrust is broken when fear is salved and confidence restored through connection with other people. I am still working on that.

Lack of connection. I have fought with these emotions for such a long time, that I have been in a continuous state of assessing myself. There have been times where I have been very free and willing to just relax. However, when difficult times comes, I retreat to what I am comfortable with. This comfort level is being changed and I am willing to be challenged. I have asked to be challenged and this is the outcome of that challenge.

There is more to come.

Pressing on. Walking on. Approaching doors.