Although this sexual assault happened many years ago, I had not taken the time to really address it. Many of my friends quickly dismissed it and would not discuss it. Their demeanor towards this was very apparent and being open about things would never happen. Perhaps I started to change; this I am not certain of. I know that from that point onward, I worked harder on me and digging into my classwork and coursework. I was registered at a local community college at the time and was taking classes in Criminal Justice and Political Science. I had also been attending regular services at my church and becoming very active within our singles group. I was beginning to really feel some freedoms that I had not experienced in some time. Coming out of a bad marriage left me with quite a bit of distrust in myself and uncertainty about the "big bad world".
Along with a long-time friend, we were starting to "let our hair down" and play around. She was the flirtatious one; I was the quiet and head strong one. Almost the voice of wisdom and logic. Just the same, we started to really have a lot of fun with some of the other singles. I had met a man who I would have a long-time friendship with until his death a couple of years ago. I met another man who was just the hoot; however, he was not what I was looking for in a husband. He had proposed to me several times before my divorce and then volunteered to go to Germany when the first Gulf War was gearing up. He ended up marrying another one of my friends who had dated my would-be rapist. How intertwined this had become.
Months passed and I soon fell into a "brat pack" of guys. I have always related more toward the guys than the gals. I was called Caren Marie by many and I loved it. I have not been called that since then. Looking back, it seems like a lifetime ago. I used to get called by many nick-names and terms of endearment; I do not anymore. That camaraderie is not there anymore. There are times that I wish it were there. There was a certain amount of comfort knowing that terms of endearment are given to you from close friends and family. I have not had that experience in too long. For the most part, the guys knew that I was "true blue" but that I was a little sister--really. Everyone is taller than me.
The dynamics of the singles group had started to change. This person came from another church and the rumor that had been coming along was that he had come with some issues of his own. Although I am not a one for rumors and gossips, I paid no attention to what I had heard. I had gotten closer to him in friendship. He gained my trust when I would leave the church to cry or to walk around the parking lot; this was very apparent that I was having some issues not understanding my emotions. Holidays were hard because there was no one to share them with. But even more so, I was just mending from a bad marriage. Little did I know that this was the time most crucial about gaining my confidence and establishing a presence to develop a relationship. I would not know what was going to come and I was not careful about it either.
More to share and more to digest. Pressing on. Pushing on. Opening doors.
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