Continuing education

I have noticed that I have not made a post in a very long time. As I have been completing the most difficult part of treatment, I have been working diligently on the issues that have vexed me. There have been many things that have been ongoing. The flashbacks are ongoing. I have had some very difficult ones and at the most difficult time as well--during radiation treatment. For the most part, the intensity is less and frequency the same. I continue to pray, listen to my music and to use positive self-talk to dispell these.

Since my last posting, I have had many events happen. I have been experiencing some very interesting challenges to my trust-o-meter. I have been chatting more to one of the ladies in my church--N. I am not entirely sure how I feel about this new and budding relationship of trust. I have noticed that very few people do understand what is going on and what has happened. As more people are growing to understand what is going on, I have been asked some very awkward questions. I have seen others try too hard to make things "better". PM was/is one of them. I did express that I do have difficulty in being in enclosed spaces. Not every enclosed space is difficult. There are some circumstances where the reminder of violation just comes back and is overwhelming. PM had taken it upon himself to try and "lure" me to "baby steps". Hmmm. I had to express to him that I was not there to have anyone "fix me". Yes, I am damaged goods. However, not so that I would need to be felt that I needed to be "fixed". No, walk with me. Walk with me. Literally and figuratively. I do have difficulties in trusting and relying upon others for the things that I should need. However, a day of testation is always needed. I am reminded again and again of the days when we needed help in our long and difficult days and there was none. But, even more so, the looks from others when they know that they should have been helping out and did not. Trust?

Now that I am not challenged with the added issues of treatment, some things are less taxing. However, I can see that PM has been taxed by all of this. I have shared with him some very heavy stuff and leaned upon him for things most difficult. My discussions about all things have been shifted from PM to JC. Yes, little JC--the Rock of Gibraltar. I remember one day, I had asked a question of PM and his was response was very disconcerting. He had said that if he felt that I needed to be referred to anyone he would do so. Fair enough; however, not so. I know that I have had some difficult days; however, please do not make me feel any more like a headcase than I already feel. Thank goodness for JC.

I still have quite a bit of bitterness and anger locked in me from so much. I hate that I have been stained so. I hate that I have had to go through cancer treatment. I hate that I have been separated from others. I hate that this will never be over--I wil be locked in a way that I feel different from others. But, I can say that I am very happy that I have learned to do more than just compensate. I am looking forward to conquering.

Pressing on. Conquering on.