Here I am

So, here I am. I am looking at things once again with respect to my self-concept. Yes, I have been looking at quite a bit lately and realize that there are some places that I choose not to enter. Some doors are just a little more difficult than others. Entering some doors are just a little more difficult than others. I think that I have finally hit one that I do not care to enter. I am/not a freakazoid. But, I know one thing--I do not want to discuss it quite in its entirety. I know that some days I feel quite content with who and what I am. I know that there is a comfort that is there that has been for some time. It is what I am accustomed to. I realize that there is a certain amount of uncertainty about what to do with a new self-concept with discussing being a freakazoid. I have to be careful to not say it so loud. I understand that some might not understand my referral to being a freakazoid--une metisse. I suppose that it is not fair to say that.

I do realize that when I choose to discuss the origins it will not be easy; but, it is something that will have its day. I am not ready and I am not willing to disucss it at this time. I do realize that this has been affecting me. I have been a private person for a while and feel a need to rationalize this. Too, I do realize that being private has its benefits; however, I must keep it balanced with other things. In the meantime, getting past the concepts of others will be interesting. I am different. There is no doubt about that. What makes me different? That is a discussion for another day as well.

It is not easy to try to explain how things have been made different after rape. It is hard to explain to people how behaviors slowly change because perceptions have changed. What I find to be very difficult is trying to explain why rationalizations and accommodations have changed because of the fear of someone finding out that it happened, but even more so that the expectation to "just get over it" happens. No one can understand the accusations that can happen when you are told that "it was your fault" or "you should have fought harder" or "what do you expect" or "it is nothing" or "you are making things up". There is a certain hardness that sets in when after victimization you are mocked and scoffed for what happened. Learned responses happen; avoidance and the like are part of those learned behaviours. I learned to avoid people and places. I chose to find ways to better myself and to bury myself in work, school, church and other events. I had learned not to cry. I had buried my emotions deep and worked hard for them not to surface in front of others as well as myself. I had learned to hate emotions and to be tight with my feelings; yet, working hard not to allow them to surface. I had avoided intimacy with others because I did not want to share or to reveal much. Even one of my best friends did not believe what had happened. It is very difficult to reach out to people when your reception is less than favorable.

I know that I have a lot to discuss and a lot to overcome. I do know that there is no rush and that these matters will be resolved in their own time; I must be willing to address them. I must be willing to be probed and I must be willing to trust that when I choose to open up, it will be safe and GOD blessed.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Probing on.