Venturing once again

So, I have shared more once again. I am experiencing more comfort to some degree about my personal information. But, in many other aspects, my personal information is not to be shared. I have expressed to some this past week and with great trepidation, I am not all that sure that it was wise. But, in order for me to get beyond some things in my heart, I must learn to trust and to feel comfortable in my own skin.

I am looking back at this past year and can see just how much I have come and yet how far I really have to go. I am excited and very nervous at the same time. I am not all that eager for many to know what has gone on and the shame and the guilt are still very close to the surface. I hate the feeling of shame that I get when I address all of this. But, these emotions should not be my enemy. I cannot help but to think that these feelings are like my arch nemesis---moohaaaahaaa! shame is my name and pain is my game! Yea, right!

But, I have shared with PD. I will share more with him on Sunday and let him know some more distinctions. I do not want to share my prayer requests with anyone anymore because of what has happened and so when bad dreams happen, I will share my difficult days with others not at the church. I am so very leary and not willing to really trust at the time. Seems that there are a few steps backwards on this. I have to say that this is not the most warming or welcoming of things.

Yes, this week I did have a horrible dream again. I have not had one of these types of dreams in a long, long time. I had woken up and felt like something was seriously wrong. But, I trudged through. I did pray. But, I did call PM after and let him know that I had had one of those dreams again. It was a difficult thing since I have not had one of those in a very, very long time. I have no idea what triggered it, but it was very unsettling. I do not know who to tell about these dreams and I am not sure that I want to post them. But for certain, I must put them down somewhere. I will pray it through.

Pressing on. Pushing in. Thinking things through.

Falling down and hitting the ground

I want so much to hit the ground and just stay there and relax and let some things go by. I would love to be able to just relax during the next several weeks and months go. It has been a year since I have been sharing and letting everyone know my inner thoughts. This is very challenging. As I discuss this more and more with others, I can see just how much this has impacted me and they. I have seen so many changes with others, and within myself. I am looking at how these changes have been very positive and how they have made some significant changes. I want these changes to be good and to be able to allow me to move on. I have been through sharing the most sensitive and most intimate things in my life. How many people share these intimacies? I am not sure. So, what I have to start looking to is the journey of how this is going to make the impact for the rest of my life.

I am stuck at times. It is hard. It is hard to be able to share things that I know that are not well received. I run the risk of sharing things that are uncommon or uncomfortable and now, I am dealing with people who may have had enough time behind them that these issues might be forgotten. But, T has been a blessing to me. She understands the journey and the battle. I do have to say that good things are on the way as well. I am looking forward to this.

I am looking forward to not feeling so uncomfortable about things. I always say that. I have come so far. I can be touched more. I still cringe, but I can be touched a lot more. I was thinking of some things lately, and it made me cringe even more. I have been afraid of some things. I have been afraid of getting out and mingling in other groups so people that I am not familiar with. I have to explore more areas and to get out and about to work on my comfort zone. Today, for example, I was able to get into a car wash. I was feeling quite boxed in and started to get a little claustrophobic, but I was able to hang tough and finish the cycle. I do not know if that is what I would be willing to do again, but I know that it was ok and I can do it. It is amazing. Really it is.

Reaching out. Pressing in. Really feeling it.

For the most part

For the most part, all is well. For the most part, I understand. For the most part, I am looking and searching. For the most part. Today was a very long day. I was thinking long and hard about something that I have not been wanting to see. For the most part, I have not had flashbacks that have been difficult. There have been times when they have been so pervasive that I have had to look away or really clench my eyes tight. Today, I was concerned that I might have had to do that. I did not; there were several times when I have had to do that. Today, after service, I had a meeting with PM. Normally, I meet with PM after service with my kiddo. It has been a long and difficult year of things. Meeting with him has been helping, but there have been some emotional challenges that are very intense. One time during meeting, he had moved a certain way and bamb! Whatcha know, things were very difficult. I do not want to say what it was but just that it was very uncomfortable for me. How do I tell him? Should I tell him? Well, that would be most interesting. How do I tell him? He has already had some difficult times when I have shared with him.

Why am I so concerned about all of this? It really does bother me because I would like to get past all of this to move on to more healing. I really do not like that building. I do not like what it represents. I have had too many nightmares about that building and it has made me feel quite filthy. But, I refuse to allow it to bother me. I refuse to allow it to get me to a point where I am having such a difficult time. I refuse! I simply refuse! I know that the days can be difficult. It is a little less these days, but just the same, the triggers are there nonetheless. I want to let him know about my triggers. I think that it would be wise; but, just the same, if he never knew, I should still continue. I will continue.

I am learning that I must not be communicating with him for much. It has been a hard lesson to learn and it is even more difficult to understand that I need to not be concerned with it. I must learn. I do not want to be perceived as that kind of person that is adversarial. Go figure!

Looking on. Pushing on. Believing on.