For the most part

For the most part, all is well. For the most part, I understand. For the most part, I am looking and searching. For the most part. Today was a very long day. I was thinking long and hard about something that I have not been wanting to see. For the most part, I have not had flashbacks that have been difficult. There have been times when they have been so pervasive that I have had to look away or really clench my eyes tight. Today, I was concerned that I might have had to do that. I did not; there were several times when I have had to do that. Today, after service, I had a meeting with PM. Normally, I meet with PM after service with my kiddo. It has been a long and difficult year of things. Meeting with him has been helping, but there have been some emotional challenges that are very intense. One time during meeting, he had moved a certain way and bamb! Whatcha know, things were very difficult. I do not want to say what it was but just that it was very uncomfortable for me. How do I tell him? Should I tell him? Well, that would be most interesting. How do I tell him? He has already had some difficult times when I have shared with him.

Why am I so concerned about all of this? It really does bother me because I would like to get past all of this to move on to more healing. I really do not like that building. I do not like what it represents. I have had too many nightmares about that building and it has made me feel quite filthy. But, I refuse to allow it to bother me. I refuse to allow it to get me to a point where I am having such a difficult time. I refuse! I simply refuse! I know that the days can be difficult. It is a little less these days, but just the same, the triggers are there nonetheless. I want to let him know about my triggers. I think that it would be wise; but, just the same, if he never knew, I should still continue. I will continue.

I am learning that I must not be communicating with him for much. It has been a hard lesson to learn and it is even more difficult to understand that I need to not be concerned with it. I must learn. I do not want to be perceived as that kind of person that is adversarial. Go figure!

Looking on. Pushing on. Believing on.