Not many understand the importance of working hard. We live in a generation where there are so many people willing to do less for more. That should not be the case. Working hard comes in so many ways and the tasks are so variable. I have no choice but to work. No, it is not a matter of working through the restful times; rather, it is designed to always be aware that I have shortcomings that might be important to address. Just the same, there are times where rest supercedes the shortcomings. Yes, it seems that I have more than my cohort. But, these shortcomings can be strengths at times. I have a willing heart to address what needs to be addressed. I will address these things. These things can define me; however, I choose not for them to define me. I choose the definition and am willing to develop my strong hands more.
This past week, I have felt more comfortble in my skin than I have been in a very long time. I am finding that my silence is more reflective than anything else. I do not feel myself wanting to retreat; rather, I find that retreat is more peaceful. I am glad that I have found some peace in the meantime. This peace shows me that I have come a long way and have seen some awesome changes from the things that have warred inside of me. The storm is not as menacing; it may still loom in certain times. I am aware and do know that the storms will not go away. Some storms of my emotions are there to show me that I am on the right track. It is ok to have a balance of emotion that will not take me under. I am getting stronger and I can handle the ugly now. Well, at least a lot better than I had had in a long time. I am no longer stuffing things deep and within; I am allowing these things to surface and to allow myself to be cleansed. Could I say this a year ago? No. I could not. I had a difficult time approaching the threshold of all of this within. I was afraid to look inside the door and all of the mess that was within me. Now, I can easily walk around and know that when I have to address one of my own deep and darkest troubles, I can be reassured that the light that is within this room is not far from my reach. It really is the LORD's presence within me saying that I am not alone. Even more so, I can look around and have the confidence that the confidence that I carry is not my own but HIS. I am not alone and I know that I have HIS Eternal company. I know that when I open up the "garbage bags", the "boxes" of stored things, I know that the LORD has seen every single one of them and knows how I have inventoried every single one. And! Despite me, I can still look in there and see that much has been accomplished and more will be accomplished. I know that I have a willing heart and my fear is not just mine to carry. No where in Scripture does it say that we are not to be afraid alone. We are to take everything to HIM--fear, anger, hatred, spite, every foul emotion and bring it to HIM. Then it is HE who says that we are to walk through it together. And little by little, things are changed and what was lacking is made complete. I feel more complete these days; but I dare not say that I am completely whole. There is yet more to come and yet have come so far. I am excited about what is to come; I know that I am not alone and that I am all that much more watched and guarded. Yes, I do realize that more is to come. I pray that I am never victimized again. I pray that while I am working on my own wellness, that this peace stays with me forever. It feels good; looks good; smells good; is good.
Strengthening on. Building on. Willing on.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
What part of love
So, things are working and coming along. Things. I always say "things". What are things? I know; this is just another everyday word that people use when they are uncertain or unwilling to describe what is going on. Things--I am challenged again. I am challenged with the concert of emtion that is overwhelming me. I am angry. I am hurt. I am hateful. I am more than just what I would like to be. But in the meantime, I know better and am working diligently to keep a close eye on all of my "things".
My things. I am working on keeping a civil tongue in my mouth. Some people have really pushed the envelope with me and so I would like to take the time to return the favor. But, that would not be ok. I realize that my emotions are tumultous just the same and that I must be aware. When I feel the issue of touching rearing its ugly head, I am very careful about where to position myself. The overwhelming feelings of being encroached upon are not as powerful as they have been in times past; however, they are still there. I am looking intently to keeping my distance and to watch when others approach me. I still have little intent on being touched and encroached upon; I do realize that it is important to be touched. I realize, too, that I have come a long, long way to get to this point. One realization that I have come to this past week has been that I am not to stuff or stiffle my emotions or bury them. That is not the intention of overcoming any issue. I am not supposed to allow it to be unchecked as well. If I know there is an issue, I must address it as quickly as possible. Certainly, I know this. But, in any given person's life, there is an importance of addressing issues and to do that promptly.
"THINGS". They have names. These are those names. Emotions: hatred; anger; anxiety; misapplication; misrepresentation; lying; conjorting; and so much more. What have I done that is making me so involved and so desolate at times? I look at my trust issue again. It is always about trust because love is attached to it. What part of love is there that permits me to trust? What part of love is absent that prevents me from trusting? Is this self-love? Is this love of others that might invite them into my life and heart? Trust is a precious item and for me not a commodaty that I want to share. Trust has been taken from me. When will I be able to trust again? I do not trust when I am in particular settings. I do not trust certain people. I do not trust when I feel violated. Certainly, am I any different from others? But, what part of trust is broken when I have to second guess myself? What part of trust is working in my life that establishes my safety and security? What part of my inner most being am I broken which needs repair to be able to trust? Where is the injury? "THINGS". What are the key components? Disappointment? Am I disappointed in myself for what I feel that I had allow happen to me? These are key components to "things". I think a lot about it all.
I continue to press on. I continue to press in. I continue to go beyond "in the meantime".
My things. I am working on keeping a civil tongue in my mouth. Some people have really pushed the envelope with me and so I would like to take the time to return the favor. But, that would not be ok. I realize that my emotions are tumultous just the same and that I must be aware. When I feel the issue of touching rearing its ugly head, I am very careful about where to position myself. The overwhelming feelings of being encroached upon are not as powerful as they have been in times past; however, they are still there. I am looking intently to keeping my distance and to watch when others approach me. I still have little intent on being touched and encroached upon; I do realize that it is important to be touched. I realize, too, that I have come a long, long way to get to this point. One realization that I have come to this past week has been that I am not to stuff or stiffle my emotions or bury them. That is not the intention of overcoming any issue. I am not supposed to allow it to be unchecked as well. If I know there is an issue, I must address it as quickly as possible. Certainly, I know this. But, in any given person's life, there is an importance of addressing issues and to do that promptly.
"THINGS". They have names. These are those names. Emotions: hatred; anger; anxiety; misapplication; misrepresentation; lying; conjorting; and so much more. What have I done that is making me so involved and so desolate at times? I look at my trust issue again. It is always about trust because love is attached to it. What part of love is there that permits me to trust? What part of love is absent that prevents me from trusting? Is this self-love? Is this love of others that might invite them into my life and heart? Trust is a precious item and for me not a commodaty that I want to share. Trust has been taken from me. When will I be able to trust again? I do not trust when I am in particular settings. I do not trust certain people. I do not trust when I feel violated. Certainly, am I any different from others? But, what part of trust is broken when I have to second guess myself? What part of trust is working in my life that establishes my safety and security? What part of my inner most being am I broken which needs repair to be able to trust? Where is the injury? "THINGS". What are the key components? Disappointment? Am I disappointed in myself for what I feel that I had allow happen to me? These are key components to "things". I think a lot about it all.
I continue to press on. I continue to press in. I continue to go beyond "in the meantime".
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Imagining more
I have realized that much time has gone by since my last posting. I am trying to remain consistent with my postings. Things have been interesting here lately. I am walking around and working on just adjusting more. I think often of what PM has said to me with respect to working on things. He said that he was proud of me for working on things. I am glad. I found my MP3 player again and will be charging it and wearing it once again. It is broken, but I can still listen to it. That really frustrates me. I have been experiencing so much with my kiddo that I have been so stressed and my trust level is at an all-time low once again. This aggravates me like no other. I really do not like that I cannot get the trust that I once had. I hope that it is not all lost or for naught. I must say, trust is vital to me. There are times that I want to trust so much and it comes out dry.
So, comments were made to me tonight that were interesting. I had gone to a Christmas ornament party. Ok. It was interesting. And one of the ladies commented to me about a Bunko party. "It will be nice for you to be there." Yea, sure it will. I cannot help but to wonder if there are people that are just so excited that I am not included in things because I am so "challenging". I am getting quite tired of so much and would like to have these actions changed; however, I do understand that these sorts of things cannot change if the other person does not understand what needs to be changed. Yea, what a concept. Just the same, tonight at the party, I did realize that I did not feel very comfortable about venturing out into the great outdoors with a bunch of women who cannot stand in a cold breeze without getting blown over. Yea, I have ben through a lot and have a very bold, brassy and cocky attitude. I know that I should not. But, I do. I really do. The bitterness and anger that I have still deep inside of me must come out. My hostility should not be projected to others and at that point, I will be very careful to express it to anyone else. I am determined; I must be very careful about who I am around so I do not care to discuss matters with them as well as with my attitude. I work. I go home. I go home and clean. I go home to a hostile teenager. I go home and no one is there to help out. I must be willing and accepting of what is going on. When things improve, they will. But, in the meantime, I must work towards a solution. I will not be going to any more events if possible. I do not want any of my words or actions to be misundestood from anyone. That, I am sure, will happen. I must be very aware of what is going on. This is going to really bite. I must do it.
Looking forward. Pushing in. Pressing on.
So, comments were made to me tonight that were interesting. I had gone to a Christmas ornament party. Ok. It was interesting. And one of the ladies commented to me about a Bunko party. "It will be nice for you to be there." Yea, sure it will. I cannot help but to wonder if there are people that are just so excited that I am not included in things because I am so "challenging". I am getting quite tired of so much and would like to have these actions changed; however, I do understand that these sorts of things cannot change if the other person does not understand what needs to be changed. Yea, what a concept. Just the same, tonight at the party, I did realize that I did not feel very comfortable about venturing out into the great outdoors with a bunch of women who cannot stand in a cold breeze without getting blown over. Yea, I have ben through a lot and have a very bold, brassy and cocky attitude. I know that I should not. But, I do. I really do. The bitterness and anger that I have still deep inside of me must come out. My hostility should not be projected to others and at that point, I will be very careful to express it to anyone else. I am determined; I must be very careful about who I am around so I do not care to discuss matters with them as well as with my attitude. I work. I go home. I go home and clean. I go home to a hostile teenager. I go home and no one is there to help out. I must be willing and accepting of what is going on. When things improve, they will. But, in the meantime, I must work towards a solution. I will not be going to any more events if possible. I do not want any of my words or actions to be misundestood from anyone. That, I am sure, will happen. I must be very aware of what is going on. This is going to really bite. I must do it.
Looking forward. Pushing in. Pressing on.
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