Imagining more

I have realized that much time has gone by since my last posting. I am trying to remain consistent with my postings. Things have been interesting here lately. I am walking around and working on just adjusting more. I think often of what PM has said to me with respect to working on things. He said that he was proud of me for working on things. I am glad. I found my MP3 player again and will be charging it and wearing it once again. It is broken, but I can still listen to it. That really frustrates me. I have been experiencing so much with my kiddo that I have been so stressed and my trust level is at an all-time low once again. This aggravates me like no other. I really do not like that I cannot get the trust that I once had. I hope that it is not all lost or for naught. I must say, trust is vital to me. There are times that I want to trust so much and it comes out dry.

So, comments were made to me tonight that were interesting. I had gone to a Christmas ornament party. Ok. It was interesting. And one of the ladies commented to me about a Bunko party. "It will be nice for you to be there." Yea, sure it will. I cannot help but to wonder if there are people that are just so excited that I am not included in things because I am so "challenging". I am getting quite tired of so much and would like to have these actions changed; however, I do understand that these sorts of things cannot change if the other person does not understand what needs to be changed. Yea, what a concept. Just the same, tonight at the party, I did realize that I did not feel very comfortable about venturing out into the great outdoors with a bunch of women who cannot stand in a cold breeze without getting blown over. Yea, I have ben through a lot and have a very bold, brassy and cocky attitude. I know that I should not. But, I do. I really do. The bitterness and anger that I have still deep inside of me must come out. My hostility should not be projected to others and at that point, I will be very careful to express it to anyone else. I am determined; I must be very careful about who I am around so I do not care to discuss matters with them as well as with my attitude. I work. I go home. I go home and clean. I go home to a hostile teenager. I go home and no one is there to help out. I must be willing and accepting of what is going on. When things improve, they will. But, in the meantime, I must work towards a solution. I will not be going to any more events if possible. I do not want any of my words or actions to be misundestood from anyone. That, I am sure, will happen. I must be very aware of what is going on. This is going to really bite. I must do it.

Looking forward. Pushing in. Pressing on.