Back again. There have been a lot of events that have happened this past couple of weeks since I have last made any entry. Seems more like "Enter the Dragon" than anything else. Knock, knock. Seems like I have needed permission to enter on some matters of the heart. Matters of the heart...the matters that concern the home as well as what has been going on within the home. I am facing some very busy days and I am looking foward to seeing them all come and go quickly. One constant matter is the concern of my own insecurity. I realize that many people do not seem to want to go that deep into their own private matters to seek and know their own inner troubles. I am unique in this matter. I am not afraid to handle what I need to do to get things done. I suppose that I have always been that way. I am not afraid to discuss what matters are true and deep to me. It is and has always been a matter of finding that right person to discuss it with. I wish that this had been here a long, long time ago. But, today, it is here and I get to discuss these matter and look forward to moving on. I supposed, it is quite enjoyable to say that I have a "clean house" and to know that what bothered me before does not so now.
In the meantime, my own insecurities are here once again. Seems that I am always discussing with myself that I have not made such a mess of things that they are not irrepairable. Yes, the matters of the heart are always repairable. I am one of those persons that does believe that things of the heart can and will always be able to be repaired. I do not believe in throwaway persons. Sure, there are so many different types of persons out there and the troubles may run deeper than others. But, for the moment, I am looking at the person in the mirror. Who do I say that I am? I say that I am healing and much better and not the worse for wear. I am not trying to create matters that are not there; I recognize that some matters have been placed on the back burner for some time and just need to get heated again to determine what the overall health is.
One particular is my issue of hate and anger. Although strong companions, they are interlinked and are designed to feed from each other. What is it that I allow them to surface to be able to have say about what is going on? I do know what matters to me. I feel passionately and understand many deep matters. I have an opinion on many current and past issues and I am not afraid to vocalize my concerns. I have an opinion and for much, can validate my position with fact and not fiction. I am not trying to say that I am bold and baligerant with resepct to my position; no, as a matter of fact, I am confident about my position. Try that I might, I seek opportunites to discuss my position, nearly to the ground. For some matters, my position can be discussed to the point of overdoing it. For some matters, I cannot push forward until I am thoroughly convinced that I am understood and validated. I suppose to a point of trouble.
Again, one annoying matter that I have been addressing is the aspect of others' ability, or lack thereof, for "reaching out". It bothers me to no end and I am really aggravated at this matter. Why I cannot leave it alone is beyond me; I have continuing matters going on and I am more able to mentally address these things. But, really, why am I so angry? I suppose for the events that I have had little say over that have impacted me so deeply, are at the core of my concerns. Just writing this, I am having a great difficulty in avoiding the term "issues". I really hate that word. It just seems to me to be an understatement for something that could easily be readdressed. For the things that have impacted me deeply, I become very angry about. I do understand that. These things persist and there does not appear to be any resolution. I am looking forward to resolution. I realize that I must be the bigger person and address the matters of resolution. This is the point of this blog. Resolution. I must seek it; hunt it out; wrestle with it; invite it; knock-knock. I must seek resolution. I am seeking resolution.
The day is coming when I will be able to put some matters asside and look to what I do know and understand as resolved. I look forward to no more troubles of the heart. I have more procedures coming up. I am looking at an endometrial biopsy and that does not appeal to me. I realize that the examination is looming and I am uncomfortable with the procedure. But, most importantly, I am uncomfortable with the aspec of being open. I am not looking to create matters that are not there; I merely want to recognize that these difficulties exist and I must be aware of them. When I am aware of them, I know that they have a label and a face and they are not unseen enemies. I can prepare for them and know that it is just for a small time of discomfort. I have to take that time to understand what plagues me. I must be willing to face what is there.
I am willing.
Pushing. Pressing. Knocking.
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