This past week, things have been very familiar. Earlier in the week, PD gave it up. I know that it was coming and it was with a lot of duress that this occurred. I am frustrated. I am angry and I am with complete resolve that this journey that I have set myself on will not stop or be prevented. For the last several weeks, I have been challenged with many things in my day-to-day things. One thing, in particular, has been with the aspect of being asked something that appeared to me to be taunting--"V or V?" So, you can tell by now that I will not be stopped with respect to my resolve. I will not be stopped.
Although this happened to me 20 years ago, I have never felt that I have been a victim. Certainly, I have moved on to other things and am willing to be challenged in many respects. But, with many things, yet, I cannot be challenged. It aggravates me what others think of me at times; other times, not at all. I do not care to be criticized with respect to my efforts of wellness. While others may not understand or appreciate what I have been doing, I cannot stop and cannot allow what others may not understand to be my undoing. I will continue.
I will continue. What the meaning of things are to me is what I plan on continuing with. I will continue to define them to to continue to keep an eye on my own behavior. I pray that someone else will come along and we will work this together. In the meantime, I am here and I am working on my difficulties with quietness and meekness. I know that I will be judged. I know that I will be harassed for what I believe; I will not be deterred.
What did this rape do to me? It really did create difficulties in relationships. While I walk around with all of this inside of me, I must be willing to accept that other will not understand what is going on. What angers me is that others who think that they can provide "help" are not qualified and want to do things according to their own agenda. This is wrong. It hurts and it is destructive. If these persons are not willing to get that training, then that assistance is more destructive. At this point in time, I feel further in some aspects than before. There are few who are qualified to help and provide assistance. Now, there is much more avoidance in my walk with others. I must be very careful to connect and to offer my thoughts carefully and prayerfully. I see in PM's face something that I detest. I see the personification of someone to be pitied. This angers me.
I know that I am not like others. Whether by the rape or by my own choices, I am different. I know that when I was raped, I did not belong like I had done before. It was like I was changed in the blink of an eye; but, I was the same. Today, I am a different woman. I do not accept things like I used to. I know that the cancer did a lot to me as well. But, to be told, "I am out" makes me sad. I felt as though someone ripped my heart out again. My issues of trust are placed in the valence once again. I hate this. I have worked so hard to go beyond this and now? I feel as though I cannot trust like I had moved out from. My heart is broken. Those individuals who think they are qualified, have a huge heart and good intentions may actually cause more harm than good. PD is one of those persons.
My next chore is to continue with what I have been willing to start with. It is continuing and I will continue to move forward.
Pressing in. Moving forward. Facing the wind.
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