The healing process continues

It has been a while since I have posted last. I do realize that much has been going on. School has started for me again and the process continues. I will not stop this process despite the difficutly it might bring me. I am learning and I will not stop.

The next sets of questions are going to be tackled.

16. What has prevented you (so far) from fully healing from your rape?

For the most part, I have answered this a long, long time ago. But, I am happy to address this once again. I had expressed that I would do this by myself. I would tackle this with both hands without the effort of anyone else. I had perceived, for far too long, that I could do this because there was no one available to help me with it. I was wrong. I was profoundly wrong. I was ashamed at the aspect of being raped and I did not want anyone to know that it had happened. It effected everything that I had done. But, most importantly, I did not realize how common rape was. Now, 20 years later, rape is very common. There are many men who think that it is ok for them to forceably take a woman and sexually abuse and assault her. Unfortunately, too many women, young and old, do not understand what it means to open up and understand that their assault was not their fault. I blamed myself for the assault and to some point, I still blame myself. I look forward to the day that I stop blaming myself and move onto more wellness.

I simply did not understand what was needed to be doing all of this. I did not have time to really think about what was necessary to feel well or to be walking in wellness. I have a right to walk in wellness and I had had a right to walk in wellness. I will press forward to my wellness.

To walk "fully" is not something that I can really fathom right now. I feel that there is such a place where this will never make me whole and that wholeness is more like holeness. I feel stained and I want to be able to feel that it will get better. I want to get to a place where this is not going to haunt me anymore. I look forward to being able to have more than just what  I have now. I want to understand "fully". It can happen and I want it to happen.

17. What good things (benefits) will happen for you if you work with your therapist/pastor about your rape?

This is an area where many do not want to go. I have been very concerned that this topic of discussion has not pushed him away. Not many understand the importance of this. Until purchasing this book, I did not realize how important this trek should be. All that much more, I feel that it is important. I felt that it was just a matter that I had done something wrong. No, I did not do anything wrong. I was at the wrong place at the wrong time, but I did not ask for this to happen. His mother was upstairs while all this was going on and this was very hard to understand.

Benefits? I want to be able to not have the thoughts in my mind of the assault. I do not want the vision of what I see in my thoughts. I hate feeling guilty for taking up time. I hate feeling out of control regarding all that I have had happen. I hate feeling that my insecurities are shameful and harmful. I hate being locked in a way that always wants to keep me safe. I hate compensating for what has been done.

18. Last question, part 1: are you willing to talk about this more with me (you therapist/pastor), even if it's tough?

I have been doing so and it has been tough. I have been sharing at the expense of having my Pastor walk away from this. PM was the first person. PD is the second person. But, the time devoted? I have felt so many emotions about all of this. First PM, then JC, then PM and now? I have no idea who to talk to. PM suggested that I talk to N. OH! NO!

Even though it is tough? I have shared the most personal with my Pastor and it has been with incredible difficulty. But, I can say one thing for certain. I have worked a long time to get past my attitudes. I have worked a long time to develop trust and for him to be the only one to be able to tell me how things are to be. I have worked a long time to develop trust and I do not want it violated or disrupted. I have discussed some very sensitive stuff. I have allowed my Pastor to read the beginning of these blogs. He does not read them anymore. He says that he has too much to do. I do understand.

But, I am uncertain about how things are progressing at this point. I wonder very much about him and his ability to continue thereafter. No matter what and no matter when, I will continue to move forward.  I may not be able to have him as my Face Man but I will always find a way to get this through.

Looking on. Pressing in. Facing forward.