Today has been a day that I have been looking back at the past year once again. The days are hard and difficult, but I am bound and determined to continue forward. This time last year, the events of everything were becoming very overwhelming. Sure, the chemo was done and the radiation was complete, but the household was being torn up. Closeness? No. I have no closeness. The season has brought back a lot of memories. Not all that good and not all that I would like to remember.
There was an event that happened this past week that has made me think things all over again. I have addressed it once again. I am not sure if it is just the nature of what I am addressing or things that are just plain to see. Just the same, it is a matter again with PD. Last weekend, I sat, at church in an area where it was high traffic. Many people were going by and touching me. I was so profoundly challenged and I was being touched by so many. For such a long time, I have been doing very well with the touching and am very determined for many to not know my difficulty. But, it has been very difficult to not allow people to see my general discomfort or lack of desire to be touched. So, when PD was coming in to service, I was turning to see him and hoping to prevent him from touching me. Of course, that was what was going on. I turned, fell out of my chair, hit the floor and just walked out the back door. But, from that point, as I put my music back to my ear (that I had brought in) and started to walk out the back door. But, I could hear PD saying, "what is your problem" several times. I walked outside and he stated again, "what is your problem". I looked quietly at him and from that point, just simply stated that "I was having a difficult morning". At that point he looked at me and stated "you are lame". I waited for him to go back inside and then waited but just a few moments. While he was standing with N, I told him that what he said was by far inappropriate. I think that he said he was sorry. I went to get my belongings and left. I do not understand it. I waited the entire day, then the following day, I sent out an email. I called the following morning and we had spoken. It was apparent that things with him were very stressed. I could tell that his voice was broken. What is the problem with saying, "I am sorry for talking to you like I had done". There just does not seem to be any idea of others apologizing. But, regardless, I am lost now how to proceed. He says that he had thought that I did not respect him; I had to express to him that it was a misconception. Now, this is leaving me wondering about more things. Seems that I am always wondering about things.
Perhaps I should be more specific? I have emailed PM and PD numerous times. I am working diligently on being anything other than ... this frustrates me. So, because of the holiday season, I choose to not return back to church at HLCC for the month. I will be heading to the mother church--BHW. I will be attending someplace else for the time being. I have asked and asked. TA took some time to let PM that I was having some difficulties about things. No one has called me or other. But then again, I am noted for my long and irritating emails. I am so determined about things. But, what is very difficult is just accepting the silence.
I am determined. This is going to be a very long and difficult month. I am working diligently to get through the bad memories. I am looking forward to the new year.
Looking forward. Looking ahead. Looking beyond.
No comments:
Post a Comment