There is much more to share with respect to all of this. Always. Regardless the content, I am working toward sharing and expressing my thoughts to the best of my ability. Continuing has been difficult in many aspects; I have been feeling the crunch of it all. But, as I have indicated in prior posts, I will not be deterred from this. It is far to important to me to not.
14. People who have been raped often find ways to prevent or "stuff" their emotions about what happened. Some people use drugs or alcohol, some may cut or hurt themselves, some have sex frequently with person they don't love, some become violent and "tough." What different behaviors have you used to stop your emotions about rape?
When I had read this, I had to literally stand in the mirror. When this had happened, I would cry, walk, and talk to other people about my difficulties. But because I was not understood or I had perceived that I was too intense or too much for people, I said that I would just keep it to myself and work my inner complexities myself and with the LORD. Sure, I would speak to JC time to time about things. But, I never had anticipated that I had so much hidden deep inside of me. I chose perfection. I chose to work hard on everything inside of me. I chose to make myself a better person by taking the time to take the time. What does that mean? I went to school. I continued to work on my goals and dreams and I continued to work on being so insecure and worried about what others thought of me. Frankly, I did not particularly care. I rationalized quite a bit and from there, just continued to not let outside things bother me.
I have never drank, done drugs, cut, or any self-injurious behavior. Perhaps working a lot was the issue. Then my kiddo came along and I had no to little choice about what I was supposed to be doing. I worked on me. But, along the way, I stayed to myself. I have not dated for a very long, long time. I had no intention of dating or cared to. I had been married twice before and from that point, said that I did not want to date anymore or to have any more men that I could not choose well with. "I do not have a good picker." My greatest deficit is that I have not dated. I have chosen not to and I do not plan to do so any time soon. Perhaps it has been lonely; but, I have chosen not to be close to another man. I have chosen not to be engaged in any relationship. I have never really thought of myself other than "slightly damaged goods" and so I have never anticipated being part of a relationship. PD had said to me that when this is all over, perhaps I might want to find someone to hold hands with. "No!" I emphatically said. If the reason why we are discussing this was because I would only be complete by having a "husband", then it is not for me. Then our conversations would be done and I would continue this walk of the journey by myself. Oddly enough, it seems that I will be chosing to do such.
The different behaviors that I might want to change from there is to be more open and inviting to others. As I look back, I have been inviting and welcoming, but I have been very staunch in the same regard. I have been working very hard on just being focused. I remember when I was dating A. This was in 1997 and I really had fallen for him. But, I was being taken advantage by him. I worked hard and he liked my rig, my income and liked to party. I took care of the bills and want-not. But, this is the issue. I would be attracted to men that were not attracted to me. At times, I have felt that I was "poor-white trash" when I was a single parent fighting with everything in me to stay afloat of bills and the kiddo. Then, I filled out paperwork for college and from there, ... well, here I am. I had said that I would never go through that again and he was the last person that I had dated. I have not dated since. It has been nearly 20 years since I have dated anyone. I just do not want to take any chances. The events of my life have been quite complicated and I simply do not want to add another person to the dynamics of my life. I would not find that fair. I have not prayed to have a husband nor do I care to ask about one. It is just not right or fair.
How can I change my emotion about the rape? For me, it happened 20 years ago. The behaviors that I am so accustomed to must be carefully picked at. I am not on an emotional hunting expedition; rather, I am looking forward to changing some behaviors that I know are very deep seated for me. The touching issue, for one. I also look forward to being able to be in a room with others without feeling so closed in. I will be working on that.
15. What question do you wish you could answer to yourself about your rape?
Why. I know this may seem quite common, but why? Why did this have to happen. I trusted him. And because of that, I do not trust being in a room with another man or by myself with another man or to trust my emotions with another man. I would like to know why this had to happen? Why is it that I could not stop this? Why was it that I just would not walk away? Now, I feel like this with PD and PM. Why is it that I just cannot walk away? This is much different. But, why is it that I just could not walk away? Why is it that I would go out in the car with him, hoping and believing that the date would go much better, hoping that the events of the night would not lead up to forced oral sex and then just get better? Why is it that I could not stop what was going on? Why is it that I would not just get out of the vehicle and ask for help? Why is it that this had to happen? Now, I do not trust what is going on with many. I do not open up and I do not allow myself to be placed in a situation where things could change. I simply do not trust. Now, with PD saying that he is here for me and "watching my back," I simply do not trust this. It is scary as all can be. Why? I do not want to continue and I am afraid of what is going to be coming up for me. I am afraid of doing this alone, but this has always been my concern. Doing this alone. I did not want to do chemo alone and for the most part, I have. I did not want to do any of this by myself and I have. What choice have I? Certainly, I cannot ask anyone to walk along with me. Not on this journey. No.
There are more questions to be asked. I will wait till the next time I post. I am getting quite emotional at the moment. I am concerned for one thing. I am concerned that I will be doing the next leg alone. I have been working very hard to figure so many events out and I have figured out two things: I am wondering about causes and I am wondering about how this has changed others who have said they would help. PM, for example, has been so changed in all of this. I have hated this tremendously. I believe that vicarious trauma has occurred. I believe that he has been injured in all of this--my diagnosis, chemo, radiation, the rape trauma, the kiddo. What else? What else can happen? I really do not want to think about it. I am concerned about so many things with respect to telling anyone else about my rape. Whenever the word "RAPE" is being used, it sends so much of a message to others. I do not want others to know about this. The only thing that I hear is "you need therapy." Ok. That is not why I have told you. That is not why I brought it up. The first thing that anyone says to me is: "have you gotten counseling". Well, I do not want to tell anyone if they look at me only as somone constantly in need. That just makes me not want to have anyone touch me all over again. If I am that disgusting to you, please, just stay away from me and do me a favor. DO NOT TOUCH ME! But, that will not do. I do not want to bring any more attention to myself than that which has already been done. I am working on one profound journey now. I do not want any attention drawn to me for the rape and I have to accept this walk again as my own.
I have accepted the fact that I have lost PM and now, I am willing to cut PD loose. I do not want to risk any more. This is something that I have been battling for some time. Since the death of my Deacon, my support system is lost. Or, I have perceived it to be lost. The widow, N, has a lot to be focusing on for herself. PM refuses to respond to me for anything and, he too, has lost a very important part of the church. PD has family in town and I am allowing this to be very quiet. I have expressed that he must be with family first before me. I cannot demand anything of his time. But, in this time, I have been thinking. PD does not believe that I have lost PM. In fact, PM has told me that all is "kool". But, this is before the death of D. Now, I think that this is just too much. What am I to believe? If I were to send him an email or to send him a text, it would not be responded to. What am I to think? How am I to proceed? What am I missing? Should I continue? I do not believe that I will continue. I must be brave and courageous about all of this. I must continue despite the odds.
Pushing on. Pressing in. Continuing despite the odds.
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