Now I know what may come ... it has arrived

Now, I know what comes my way. It has come. Last week, I was able to discuss with PM about things. It has been a couple weeks since my last post. I have been somewhat busy. Finals and all that wonderful stuff. But, nothing so incredibly impacting than what was said last week. Yes, I am forward and outspoken. Yes, I say what is on my mind. Yes, the past couple of years have been incredible for me. In November, I had sent one of the final emails of honesty and heart wrenching thoughts to both PM and PD. This has been it. I knew something was on the way and now I know. Last week, after all of this, there has been a parting of the ways. I was told, last week, that HLCC can no longer "meet my needs". 

What can I say about all of this? What have I been saying about all of this from the beginning? "You need to share" is what I remember that started all of this and I had responded with "you cannot handle my share". Yes, I was outspoken. No, I did not hold my tongue. Pushed and pressed, I have said what I have said. What gets me to no end was that at this point, PM wanted "all of us" to meet at the office and to discuss this. Well, it was going to be a three to one meeting. No. I can hardly see that happening. I cannot see that this is something that would be making me happy or comfortable. But, to make matters better, "I can email you with the issues". Certainly, I do not plan to have that emailed to me. It matters to me no more. So, I did email him to let him know that it did not matter what was going on and that I wished him the best in the events of HLCC. It was his suggestion that he email me with the issues because I communicate better online than I do face-to-face. 

As I look back, I look at what has been going on. Yes, you know everything that has been going on and of course, there are things that will always be seen easier. My thoughts are running through my heart in ways that I cannot express. I was leery about many things and I was uncertain about things. "Trust me." Why? Sharing what I have been sharing is not easy. It is not something that I particularly care to have many around me, close to me, to know. I have hid these things for a very long time and I have been certain about so many things; now, I am certain about even more. Caution must be emphasized when addressing all of this with anyone else. 

Now, I go to church in the adjacent county. I was told that the current church is not the place for me. What are the issues? You can imagine--texting, calling, emailing. Oh, yea. I did tell PM and PD that the policies of the church were not good and too rigid and that they needed to change. Yes, I was forward and ballsy. But, I will not change in that regard. I have been told many things and I have said many things. These things are not going to be apologized for any time soon. 

I know that I must continue to work on many things and will not stop. Yes, the past several months have been most difficult and must not be something that will stop me from wanting to move forward with. I have seen so much the past couple of years that no one should ever have to go through. But, even more so, there are things that I will not ever stop believing. There are things that I am more determined to complete than ever. Yes, I will consider visiting time to time, but not anytime soon. I must be willing to deal with what has been done and to move forward without hatred or animosity. That is not what it is all about.

Believing. Pushing. Pressing in. 

Something this way comes ... and I am not sure

Something this way comes ... and I am not sure what it is. For the longest time, I have worked very diligently on many things. This you already know. I have discussed some very intricate things that I would not just share with anyone. So many now are here for the long ride. So, now, this means that I am walking into something that I have been unfamiliar with. I can do this. I have many that are understanding that life after rape is not easy. There is always questions and doubts and confusions. I seem to always be guessing at things going on. I wonder about things so much. I know ... it is my own inner insecurity. Always expending energy about who to trust; what to say; how to say it; wondering if it should be said. But, I have to admit that I am very thankful for what has been going on in the meantime. No. I am not an alcoholic. No. I am not a substance abuser. No. I do not practice self-harm. No. I am safe.

So? What is it then? This constant battle of insecurity. I have discussed anger and hatred and touching and so much. But, I have not really discussed my insecurity. There are things that are recognizably difficult for me and I have pushed through the whole bit of it. I am pressing in with the most of my effort.

The most recent events with PD and PM are at my constant threshold. It matters to me what some may think regarding some matters; for the most part, some not at all. But, I am willing and able to see it through. I know, for the greater part of things, that to share these things means that I am willing to open up and discuss the greatest of these things. I am working to process through my own matters and my own inner difficulties. I am doing it and I am willing to continue. Since my event with PD, it is recognizable that I do not care to be touched. It is very evident that I do not care to have someone that close again for a bit. The matters of personal closeness in proximity and emotional discourse are directly linked. It is a matter of feeling vulnerable. So, I realize that I must accept that things create vulnerability in me and that it is ok to be so. It is ok to have my feelings hurt and to have things said. Now, what do I do with that? What accountability do I have with respect to my own internal turmoil? This is my crux. So, the handbook suggests many things. One of which is art. Creating collages and the like has been introduced as a means to be able to artisticly discuss my thoughts. The collages that were made were very interesting. In the handbook, there were collages made with a lot of sexual theme. One of which I remember were panties. Although I am not willing to create a collage with this theme any time soon, I do realize and recognize that the artistic communication is really important. So, how do I artistically express my inability to hug? or touch? or be close to someone? This will be a challenge for me that I am willing to wait and see how that turns out.

My responsibility. My accontability. I hope to not avoid. I am working on eye contact. I am working on proximity. I am working on not retreating into my own world. However, I do not want verbal abuse. I am concerned about that. I am working on not placing myself in a postion of such a thing; however, I am not responsible for someone having a bad day. And this is something that I do not understand. Men do not know how to apologize. Women have a better way of conveying remorse. So, then, how do I draw that out of PD? We shall see.

I am continuing. I am working dilligently. I am seeking. I am looking. I am asking. I am waiting. It will happen; I know it will.

Today I am continuing again

Today has been a day that I have been looking back at the past year once again. The days are hard and difficult, but I am bound and determined to continue forward. This time last year, the events of everything were becoming very overwhelming. Sure, the chemo was done and the radiation was complete, but the household was being torn up. Closeness? No. I have no closeness. The season has brought back a lot of memories. Not all that good and not all that I would like to remember.

There was an event that happened this past week that has made me think things all over again. I have addressed it once again. I am not sure if it is just the nature of what I am addressing or things that are just plain to see. Just the same, it is a matter again with PD. Last weekend, I sat, at church in an area where it was high traffic. Many people were going by and touching me. I was so profoundly challenged and I was being touched by so many. For such a long time, I have been doing very well with the touching and am very determined for many to not know my difficulty. But, it has been very difficult to not allow people to see my general discomfort or lack of desire to be touched. So, when PD was coming in to service, I was turning to see him and hoping to prevent him from touching me. Of course, that was what was going on. I turned, fell out of my chair, hit the floor and just walked out the back door. But, from that point, as I put my music back to my ear (that I had brought in) and started to walk out the back door. But, I could hear PD saying, "what is your problem" several times. I walked outside and he stated again, "what is your problem". I looked quietly at him and from that point, just simply stated that "I was having a difficult morning". At that point he looked at me and stated "you are lame". I waited for him to go back inside and then waited but just a few moments. While he was standing with N, I told him that what he said was by far inappropriate. I think that he said he was sorry. I went to get my belongings and left. I do not understand it. I waited the entire day, then the following day, I sent out an email. I called the following morning and we had spoken. It was apparent that things with him were very stressed. I could tell that his voice was broken. What is the problem with saying, "I am sorry for talking to you like I had done". There just does not seem to be any idea of others apologizing. But, regardless, I am lost now how to proceed. He says that he had  thought that I did not respect him; I had to express to him that it was a misconception. Now, this is leaving me wondering about more things. Seems that I am always wondering about things. 

Perhaps I should be more specific? I have emailed PM and PD numerous times. I am working diligently on being anything other than ... this frustrates me. So, because of the holiday season, I choose to not return back to church at HLCC for the month. I will be heading to the mother church--BHW. I will be attending someplace else for the time being. I have asked and asked. TA took some time to let PM that I was having some difficulties about things. No one has called me or other. But then again, I am noted for my long and irritating emails. I am so determined about things. But, what is very difficult is just accepting the silence. 

I am determined. This is going to be a very long and difficult month. I am working diligently to get through the bad memories. I am looking forward to the new year.

Looking forward. Looking ahead. Looking beyond.