Something this way comes ... and I am not sure what it is. For the longest time, I have worked very diligently on many things. This you already know. I have discussed some very intricate things that I would not just share with anyone. So many now are here for the long ride. So, now, this means that I am walking into something that I have been unfamiliar with. I can do this. I have many that are understanding that life after rape is not easy. There is always questions and doubts and confusions. I seem to always be guessing at things going on. I wonder about things so much. I know ... it is my own inner insecurity. Always expending energy about who to trust; what to say; how to say it; wondering if it should be said. But, I have to admit that I am very thankful for what has been going on in the meantime. No. I am not an alcoholic. No. I am not a substance abuser. No. I do not practice self-harm. No. I am safe.
So? What is it then? This constant battle of insecurity. I have discussed anger and hatred and touching and so much. But, I have not really discussed my insecurity. There are things that are recognizably difficult for me and I have pushed through the whole bit of it. I am pressing in with the most of my effort.
The most recent events with PD and PM are at my constant threshold. It matters to me what some may think regarding some matters; for the most part, some not at all. But, I am willing and able to see it through. I know, for the greater part of things, that to share these things means that I am willing to open up and discuss the greatest of these things. I am working to process through my own matters and my own inner difficulties. I am doing it and I am willing to continue. Since my event with PD, it is recognizable that I do not care to be touched. It is very evident that I do not care to have someone that close again for a bit. The matters of personal closeness in proximity and emotional discourse are directly linked. It is a matter of feeling vulnerable. So, I realize that I must accept that things create vulnerability in me and that it is ok to be so. It is ok to have my feelings hurt and to have things said. Now, what do I do with that? What accountability do I have with respect to my own internal turmoil? This is my crux. So, the handbook suggests many things. One of which is art. Creating collages and the like has been introduced as a means to be able to artisticly discuss my thoughts. The collages that were made were very interesting. In the handbook, there were collages made with a lot of sexual theme. One of which I remember were panties. Although I am not willing to create a collage with this theme any time soon, I do realize and recognize that the artistic communication is really important. So, how do I artistically express my inability to hug? or touch? or be close to someone? This will be a challenge for me that I am willing to wait and see how that turns out.
My responsibility. My accontability. I hope to not avoid. I am working on eye contact. I am working on proximity. I am working on not retreating into my own world. However, I do not want verbal abuse. I am concerned about that. I am working on not placing myself in a postion of such a thing; however, I am not responsible for someone having a bad day. And this is something that I do not understand. Men do not know how to apologize. Women have a better way of conveying remorse. So, then, how do I draw that out of PD? We shall see.
I am continuing. I am working dilligently. I am seeking. I am looking. I am asking. I am waiting. It will happen; I know it will.
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