What to think

I am uncertain about how to approach some matters now. Yesterday evening, at CCO, I was approached by someone and had expressed to me that she had been told that my breast cancer had come back. I am a bit miffed at this. First of all, this should not have happened. Approaching another person with "I heard from so-n-so" that you had ___. That is not the way to greet or approach anyone.

I do not know what, exactly to do. I am so tired of all this mess and what I would like to say and what should be said are two different things. I now that I really do not want to hear from anyone any type of pity or self-revel.

I must concentrate on matters and I am looking forward to finding ways for this not to bother me. So, should I make a comment to the person that told me this?

Today, I have a migraine. I am not all that thrilled at the concept of a migraine again, and again, and again. I was told to go without caffeine to help reduce the rebound headache. There have been times when the headache migraine can last up to a week. There are times when it just does not go away and so, taking medications to help is the only way. I was told that caffeine was a no-no. So, I have been drinking half-caff to help with the withdrawl symptoms. We shall see. I have to say, though, that I am very exhausted from this constant migraine. When the pain does not seem to be present, it just overwhelms me with exhaustion.

Moving along.

Marching on

Today, I was at the oncology center to ask a question of my doc. It seems that I have had a lot of cramps in my legs and my upper thigh. So, while I was there, one of my college friends had asked why I was there. Well just so happens that it is my local oncology center. As I had shared with him about my journey, he was really amazed. He was there to support his wife. She is a blessed woman to have a support system there for her while having to go through what she was going through.

My thoughts today are very overwhelming. While the stress of this life has changed in different ways, I have been trying to figure out how to express myself to know how to pray. I really have no way of expressing my thoughts so that I can pray. I have been praying and focusing on what I really need to. My emotions feel very plugged up. I have not been able to really have a good cry over all of this. I have had to be very careful about who sees my tears and for those to understand why I cry. I suppose that I cry out of frustration. I am very upset at my kiddo for what she had done. Too, I am very upset at the aspect that she ran. I am frustrated at the aspect that others seem to be very cavalier about the aspect that because the kiddo is of age that it should not bother me anymore.

I do have to say that I am very tired. So, keeping all of this in mind, I am still working on a lot of things. I am still knitting and crocheting. I am still studying and I am writing a book. Yes, I am going to continue to make a difference.

Continuing. Seeking. Looking.

What should I say?

Forgive me for not posting anything for a while. I have been so profoundly busy that it is unbearable. For the past year, the events of my life have been quite trying and difficult at the same time. Could there be anything else? Well, since I have been writing last, many events have been tearing at my life. First of all, my kiddo has been in and out of juvie; substance abuse has been her every moment and we have been in court every three months (on the average). This has been quite overwhelming. There have been three social workers involved and three foster families as well. Through this all, it has felt as though I have been chipped away slowly.

This all culminated to nearly 10 months in rehab and then when she was released? She was sent to another foster home, moved out and then ... I had told her one of the most difficult things ever. My cancer spread to my lung and within a matter of a week or so, she made plans to move to another state. My heart is deeply hurt and broken. I do not know how to express enough to have my thoughts vocalized. The thoughts that many have expressed to me are mixed with such disappointment and anger and many have been quite disappointed. Imagine that!

This has been a very long cancer battle. If the cancer itself does not kill me, family matters will.

I must remember that the stress of this must not overtake me. I must be willing to choose my poison.

Thinking. Hoping. Willing.