How am I doing?

For the most part, I am fine. I have been distracted with many things and this has been very good. I am looking at things these days with a different perspective. While my cancer treatment continues and time has been moving along, I am looking at ease of mind and ease of issues. However, I do realize that there are some issues within that may be stirred up that might rear its ugly head. I am working on a directive just the same. I am working on moving into a place that is uncertain for me. I am moving into a place that is a little more solitary and to continue on with the journey to find some more educationa and classes regarding this ordeal.

As I have been understanding myself, I am looking at being my own post-rape care. I have not been able to really put my finger on it, but I have now. I must look to my own post care. I am not afraid of doing this. But, I am very concerned, yet, for PM. I have to say that I am uncertain as to say with regards to him. PM is a unique individual who internalizes many things. What are his objectives? What are my objectives? What objectives should I be holding in all of this? I know how I am doing. I am working diligently on the issues at hand to overcome but most importantly, to understand why I feel the way that I feel.

I am the survivor of sexual assault. This is not easy to overcome but it is easier to say. I know that I will be overcoming much because I have thus far. This includes being able to come out and say what I need to say with respect to the deeds that have been done. What has been created in me has been done so out of a very selfish act. This act created much trouble for me and for the things that should have been addressed a long, long time ago. I am very proud to say that I have been working diligently on the matters at hand with respect to the things that plague me. I am plagued, but I am victorious just the same. The issues of being touched are not the same; the feelings I experience when I am in a room that is too enclosed or encroached upon are not the same; the overall feelings and overwhelm when some men are around persist. But, I know that I am not alone. I have been thinking of the day that I was invited to PM's for a last minute BBQ. I had wanted some coffee and had gone to the wrong door. That was a little overwhelming for me. Then I had realized where to enter. I had gone inside and there PM was offering the coffee. He had stepped back from me and at that point made me feel all that much more uncomfortable. I really do not know if I would ever do the same thing again. It is wrong to be that overtly different because of what I have been through. I need ongoing support. I do not need to be feeling different or separate from others. I do not want others to know what has happened to me. But, they do. Too many know what has been going on. I plan on really keeping a close eye on me and my personal behavior with hopes that things will extinguish. I am looking forward to more healing. So, what do I do in the stead? By asking for ongoing support, does that perpetuate matters? No! It certainly does not. Actually, asking for ongoing support means that it is just that much closer to healing and not being that separated person from the crowd. I am looking forward to that. See you there!

Pushing on. Pressing in. Seeing you there.