I am very curious about the events of this past year and all. I have had many opportunities to write about my emotions and where I stand with some people. I am looking forward and looking backward from where I have come and where I am choosing to go. I am ready to move forward to more. I have been diligent toward this cause and I am willing to venture into more aspects of my personal care. Personal care. To say it means quite a bit. I am choosing to move forward outside of insecurity and to move toward days of strength and vitality. I am looking back at how much I have discussed things with PM and am not facing no more support. I had said a long time ago that he could not handle my share. I remember that he had said "you need to stop venting and you need to start sharing." I recall that I had emphatically said "you cannot handle my share". OH, sure, now he sees that he cannot handle my share. Certainly there are events that have transpired that has changed his daily walk. Sure, there are events that have occurred that has changed his perspective. Sure, I understand that daily activity will not be the same. I look back and I see that many aspects have changed.
When I look at the strength of my palliative care, I can see that much was lacking. I certainly hope that the aspect of palliative care can be redefined. The church does a very poor job about palliative care--not just ours, but the larger aspect of the church. I want to be able to help make a difference in that care. Sure, we cannot meet the needs of all, but we can sure make an effort to be outreach and care for the best of them.
I must say that I feel like I am losing something important. Perhaps it is time to allow this to go. But I have to say that I am very much so scared about not being able to discuss my thoughts and my feelings too. I have to look at what has happened this past year. This will not be difficult; this will be something that I can do. I must do it.
I know that I have discussed this many times; I suppose it will be discussed as many times as needed to feel comfortable with the loss. I know that I have shared so much and more is to be shared. For the most part, it feels as though I have shared the deepest of me and there cannot possibly be any more to share. There has been and there will be more to come. I want to feel comfortable with reaching in and digging for more.
In the meantime, I am feeling more comfortable with what I have shared. Knowing that many are out there readng my deepest thoughts is enough. I know. It will be ok; I know. I think about all of the other women out there that may not be as fortunate as I regarding people to talk to and to discuss things with. I look forward to a place in the church where there is a healing and recovery services for women like myself. I know that children will need the same services.
For the most part, I am doing much better than what I have been doing. But, I will be insisting upon many more things to come. For the purpose of continuity of care, I want to continue to share, but not at the extent of creating more harm than good. I want to be able to resist the desire to share. It would be pointless to want to share. I realize that sharing with PM would create more harm than good. It is quite interesting that when I was told to "share" I wanted to resist. Now, I have no choice. When asked, I do not want to share. I want to protect from any harm that could occur. This hurts quite a bit because the issues that I had to deal with, between the sexual assault and the cancer, was too much for PM to bear. How intersting it is that I must be very careful to not cause any more harm to him. When I had asked if "I had injured him", he had said "No", but with hesitancy to his voice. I knew then that what I had shared had been too much for him to handle. He has been hurt at the aspect of the pain that I have had to endure regarding this entire matter. Now, what he does not know will not hurt him or injure him. I must be certain not to share or place myself in the position of sharing. I know that when we share imporant feelings, we must be careful about the hearer. We must be responsible to share carefully. I believe that I have. I still look forward to muchmore to come.
Pushing on. Pressing in. Moving beyond.
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